Too many fckdup stories, just not enough time…

Well the News recently has been a veritable banquet of rich pickings to investigate if you’re inclined like me to wonder about the state of mankind as a whole, especially when it’s so dubiously presented, so ridiculously ripe full of stories which can’t help raise an eyebrow or two about the content and the things which actually either happen or are reported on these days!

Firstly there was several articles covering the ‘Moat’ story in the UK. For those of you unaware of it recently, some real head-case went crazy after coming out of prison, went on a rampage and had everyone except Bin Laden looking for him. Apparently 16 Police forces across Britain were involved, the S.A.S, several Marksmen unit’s and then to top it off, a Tornado Jet…!

WTF… How fast could this guy travel and what was he driving around in – a Chieftain Tank…?

I’m not sure of the specifics but a Tornado travelling at 850 mph would probably have as much chance of spotting him as I would with the Hubble telescope!

As for the man power being used to apprehend one guy, then it’s slightly worrying to say the least because if any more than three maniacs went on the rampage it seems like England would have to resort to the Draft to enlist a small Army of people to subdue them.

Lets face it, past records catching people haven’t been that good. 10 years of looking for the world’s tallest Terrorist have still proved fruitless. Bin Laden’s probably the tallest man in the whole of that region of the world and we still can’t spot him…! Surely the best thing to do would be to get everyone to stand up at the same time and arrest the tallest person in sight, just a guess but I’m sure it would have proven to have had more impact than sending troops scouring through the hills on a Mary Poppins chase.

The results of Tasering a man with a gun to his head...

The results of Tasering a man with a gun to his head...

The result of the ‘Moat’ saga was that he apparently blew his head off when being tasered by the police. That’s right, a man holding a gun to his head, desperate to end it all get’s 200,000 volts stuffed up him which surely wouldn’t have helped prolong his life much anyway. I’m no expert but I’d have though that If you’ve got a gun to your head and you suddenly light up like a Christmas tree then the first reaction your body’s going to have is to spasm a little. The fine line between you pulling the trigger involuntarily or not is probably removed from all possibilities when you suddenly start dancing about.

Maybe with so many Sharpshooters, Marksmen, the S.A.S, maybe an option would have been to blow his hand off western stylee… Even my beloved Grandma could have managed a simple shot like that to offer alternatives to trying to recharge him.

Anyway, maybe the Government and Police wanted to end the conflict one way or another, he had tried to kill several Police officers and had sort of Declared war on them so maybe it was retribution of sorts…

Either way, it’s a shame but at the end of the Day the world is one psychopathic idiot less, something I won’t be losing sleep over.

On the flip side of the News was a great story about my favourite Country – Belgium… And yes, that was sarcasm by the way.

It seems that in Belgium, people have grown weary of Burying the dead and Cremating them is also so last season… Some bright spark has devised a way of liquidating people. Not content with the usual process of disposing of your loved ones, now it appears we can have our dearly beloved’s turned into a Frappe!

I work on the principal that when your dead, your pretty much dead really, all that hogwash about staying pure and whole are pretty much irrelevant by the time your officially brain-dead. Same applies to a few who are so-called ‘Alive’ and unofficially brain-dead too!

In an Ideal world, sure it would be nice to be frozen and lie in wait peacefully till we are graciously thawed out and then cured of whatever ailment it was that killed us the first time round, however if you’ve ever frozen a strawberry or similar fruit and seen just how well it thaws out, you’ll understand my point. It’s not good.

Sure it keeps some flavour, even the colours roughly the same too but the soggy mush that was your nice firm fruit is replaced by a squishie…

Yes, that would be YOU that would…

Don’t expect them to find a cure for the humble squishie because they wont. FACT!

So, is it me or does the sound of having your loved ones turned into a soup sound a little off-putting…?

One of the mastermind’s behind the Idea said that test were imminent to see whether or not the liquid would affect the drainage system…

Thankfully getting rid of Aunt Hilda, Uncle Fred and John and Peter was a little easier with a slice of Toast...!

Thankfully getting rid of Aunt Hilda, Uncle Fred and John and Peter was a little easier with a slice of Toast...!

So, you come back from having your mum/dad, lover liquidated, and then have to wonder about how to dispose of the ‘Juice’…

Hmmm, I know, I’ll just flush them down the toilet! There’s a good Idea…

Who the f*ck even thinks of these things… Sure, I know quite a few people who I’d happily flush down the toilet, but chances are I won’t get their remains when they’re extracted, and secondly if I try to do it when they’re alive – I might be the one getting into trouble which sucks but surely, apart from maybe the pet Goldfish, who would ever dream of flushing someone you knew and cared for down the Loo…!?

Imagine having to call a Plumber out for that embarrassing blockage… “Well, thanks for coming at such short notice, you know, I’d just had a really good dump and then when Aunt Matilda went down she just clogged the U-Bend”…

So, my vote’s a firm No on that one!

My last little rant has to be on the World cup this year. What a load of overhyped Sh*te that was… I’m not hugely into football, mainly as for years England have been complete sh*te, now I’m in Greece I hoped they would progress further but sadly it wasn’t to be, and the rest of the countries who usually can kick a ball around all started playing football like a herd of sheep.

Brazil failed where they usually entertain and provide some magic and the rest fell apart like a cheap biscuit in a cup of hot Tea.

I was pleased for Spain though as I did always feel they deserved to win, mainly on the sheer depth of talent they have playing for them this tournament, and true class showed that even when they didn’t play great football, true champions always achieve the results in the end.

So, another four Years of watching the English media over hype a load of overpaid tossers begins AGAIN, and Manchester City begin negotiations on buying the Spanish side…

They think it’s all over… It is now…!

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When Mosquito’s start using Facebook, I’ll probably have more fans than Lady Gaga…

I’ve always been fortunate in my appeal with Mosquito’s – they just love me.

It’s clearly a Love/Hate relationship and one that will eventually end in disaster for either one of us, however as there are far more of them than me, it will probably end in disaster for myself, needless to say – Law of averages etc…

Hi, I'm called a mosquito, and called your food...

Hi, I’m called a mosquito, and you’re called food…

I’m glad that I’ll never have to lose sleep feeling unwanted, and as clearly known by scientists and zoologists the world over, the staple diet of a mosquito is ME.

I’ve been told it’s because I have good blood, sweet blood or something like that. – It doesn’t make me feel any happier knowing that I’m only fortunate that till Vampires and anything else that has an appetite from blood realise this, mosquito’s are my only problem.

I’ve not really seen many nature documentaries on mosquito’s however I expect that when I do, I’ll no doubt be on TV. Hidden camera’s and that remote-controlled cat that I thought was real have been following me all along, studying the habits of the mosquito food chain, yours truly… Plus if I ever see Sir David Attenborough loitering around then at least my theory has been proven true and I’m not going mad.

Wherever I am in the world they know it. It doesn’t matter what I do to try to elude them either and I’ve tried everything… Disguises, stunt doubles it just doesn’t matter, it’s like they have me electronically tagged.

When I was young and lived in Canada it became obvious just how popular I was going to be when the Head mosquito and a small entourage greeted us at the Airport.

In summer I used to wear Baseball caps, T-shirt’s and shorts and by the time I had to come in at night they had left an outline of where my clothes had been. I never needed a tan, I was red all year round from bites, Bast*rds!

To be fair they still can’t normally get enough of me and they get quite a bit as it is… I often sit in my garden playing guitar or working but lately it’s become unbearable due to the small micro-army of fans I have trying to get a haemoglobin autograph.

The down side of living where I live and having a little garden is that it attracts what appear to be ALL the mosquito’s in Athens and the neighbouring area’s. The up side is that each year I know I am probably responsible for the largest casualty rate of mosquito’s since Vietnam.

Mwah hahaha… – (In a Christopher Lee kind of way)..

So if you know of any cures, remedies or practices I can undertake to maybe make myself less of a target then please drop me a line, for now I might as well be covering myself in chocolate sauce and having to let them just get on with it as usual…

*(Image by unknown source)

Another day at the funny farm…

Not much to say really, I just felt you needed to know.

Yesterday wasn’t much better to be fair, I can only guess about what today will bring as it’s still early by Greek standards.

Waking up has proven to be a tedious affair since I moved to Greece, the heat, the way of life, 30 degrees at night don’t help you settle down in any way, however as every things so laid back, why bother. Even when I think I’m running late I’m still usually hours earlier than anyone else. It’s just the way it is, ‘Ετσι’, pronounced – ‘Etsi’ as it’s known here is something you grow to love and hate.

It summarises everything good and bad in life here and in general, the few things that work and those that don’t. Either way, what can you do about it… It’s the Greek way.

Pretty much everything falls into that category here and the more you stay the more you realise it. Even I find myself saying it a lot these days, where as I’d maybe be more stressed and complained about many things, now its just ‘Etsi’. I suppose it’s a polite way of saying ‘f*ck it’ as well.

Yesterday did provide more questions than answers to be fair. I had a sort of strange day in general, no particular reason I was just in a funny mood. Firstly, It’s never a good thing to wake after a night whereby you’d had a few drinks and no food all day, and secondly sometimes I really do wonder about myself. Yesterday was one such day.

It started with breakfast, a nice cup of Tea and a huge Croissant. My stomach, and head for that matter were both feeling a little delicate and apart from the Tea, I was struggling a little. The croissant is one of the ‘Molto’ bad boys you get here from Kiosks etc and when your feeling a little under the weather, they can be quite daunting.

Molto-Max

From my experience, don't attempt one of these with drink or drugs...

I was desperately struggling to make progress despite the need for something edible inside me, and through the ordeal had begun reading the packet (which is in Greek of course) so its was going to be brief reading. Ingredients I could work out no problem, address was also obvious, then the general recycling diagrams which amused me in my current state, and then I spotted it.

The Croissant Hotline… (800-11-22221)

Seriously, I kid you not. It’s one thing to have the address on, the phone number and web details etc, I can get my head around that no problem. A dedicated Hotline number though was, and still is one of my greatest discoveries so far.

It blew my mind, still has. I pondered over it for a lot longer than you really should, that’s a fact. Even now I have so many questions that all sit fighting for supremacy within the confines of my head.

Is it for complaints, distribution, advice on how to eat the damn thing… What, WHY…

Surely if you wanted distribution though you’d call the main number on the packet or visit the website, even ask the guy in the Kiosk! Complaints maybe…? Well I wouldn’t have thought that either because it sort of gives you the impression that they are expecting you to complain, not a good thing. So why the hell is there a Hotline number on my Croissant packet, why do I need to call a hotline number? What am I doing WRONG…?

Do I really need advice on what to do with it? Maybe. They clearly think I might otherwise they wouldn’t have put a hotline number on it. For all I know it could be one of the Greek Emergency service numbers on it.

So, as all things in my life, curiosity got the better of me. By now I did need help, that was clear, not only was I struggling to eat the remains of my Croissant but I now had doubts on if I was eating it correctly, and if I could get another one ordered to my house as a backup, or if the inevitable happened and I found myself in some way suffering as a result of it, was eagerly anticipating medical advice and anti-Croissant treatment courtesy of their magical Hotline number.

I rang, nervously expecting an answer. One ring, two rings, three rings, and then the mandatory pre-recorded message kicked in. Unsurprisingly it was in Greek, I managed to decipher enough to work out what to do, I waited again for the call to be redirected through my choice of key entry and then heard the dulcet tones of the operator.

This was her lucky day. I knew it when I called, once I’d explained in basic Greek my small language skills she acknowledged me in English.

She won’t have had many days like yesterday when I called up, I can pretty much guarantee that…

By now the whole situation had dawned on me, through gritted teeth whilst trying not to choke laughing, I tried my best to ask her what the Hotline number was for…! Whether or not I could place orders or discuss the many aspects of what this Croissant had done to my life in the short time we’d become acquainted, and why they felt it needed a Hotline number!

She was admirably professional considering the circumstances, some half-hungover madman on the other end of the phone, struggling to speak and see through tears of laughter as she bravely gave me the number for the Head office so that I could bring up these valid issues with the Managing Director…

Well, laugh… I thought I was going to have a Baby right there and then! So far for the remainder of yesterday and even today I have to stop myself from allowing myself to even think of what will happen when the Managing Director gets a call sometime later this week…

Holy Toast Batman, there’s a picture of Jesus on my Cheese Toastie…

Well, what a day so far.

I woke up, had a beautiful cup of real Tea thanks to a surprise shipment from my mum, (you rock x), and then proceeded to read another great story about some lunatic who’d discovered a ‘lifelike’ image of the Son of God on his cheese toastie…

Now where I live the average cheese toastie costs about 4.50 euro’s, I’m not sure what the price is for one with God’s son etched onto it will cost but I’m sure it won’t be cheap. Having then discovered this, would you then eat it? Sell it on eBay? Or try to turn it into a holy shrine dedicated to healing…?

Personally, I’d eat it… It’s a cheese toastie at the end of the day! One I’d have been looking forward to eating at any cost and when I’m hungry I wouldn’t even care if it was made WITH the Son of God, it’s a cheese toastie, my cheese toastie and about to be eaten.

It’s not that I don’t respect Religion, I do, but a toastie is a toastie, eating priests and choir boys is something else, not my thing but hunger is hunger. I wouldn’t want you to push the theory though and leave me on a desert Island with a priest as expecting there to be two of us when the rescue party arrives, that would probably be a little unrealistic.

Sure I’d be sad afterwards, and I’d probably be doing a lot of praying, praying that he lasted a bit longer, or praying that I found some onions and mushrooms, or a nice sauce that might help him go round, but I’d be the one worrying about if I need a diet by the time I was on my way home that’s for sure.

Now as for the toastie story, how does anyone know what Jesus looks like!?

You know, is it such a bizarre question to ask… Having not actually seen a real photo fit image or photograph on the internet or in any books – even the Bible doesn’t have a picture of the Author or any of its co-writers anywhere and that’s after lord knows how many reprints, new editions – AND if there were a Directors Cut available on DVD, that wouldn’t have a genuine picture either, I just know it..

Hold on, I think I know why now, no one actually knows what he looks like do they…!

Especially some dumb ass Joe Public. I wouldn’t even expect the Pope to really have a clue to be honest, but certainly not someone who’s crazy enough to even contemplate the fact that out of all the mysteries in the Universe, Jesus would choose to appear on HIS toastie…

It’s funny how most ‘appearances’ on toastie’s, crisps, potatoes and many of the other items that people find his face etched on all resemble the stereotypical portrayal made by Hollywood in the 50’s, similarly used by authors and printers who for generations have accepted it as an acceptable depiction of Jesus Christ!

You know the one, nice white dude, flowing hair, bit of a beard, Marks & Spencer’s robe all looking rather serene. I’d have thought that with what he’d apparently been through, he’d be looking a little more p*ssed off myself, but hey, he may have been able to forgive everyone by now. Hardly a true representation of a Jesuit from the Mediterranean area who lived a life of poverty and self-sacrifice for the greater good is it?

However its maybe not so Interesting to read about how maybe Jim Caviezel appeared on your cheese toastie is it, or what if Charlton Heston made an appearance as Moses in your frappe…!

Could I still sell that on eBay, probably, people buy any sh*te these days but that’s not my point.

Then yesterday I read another article about how another fruitcake spotted Jesus whilst browsing on Google maps.

E's not the Messiah

E’s not the Messiah – E’s a very Naughty Boy…

So…Was he out shopping, buying a new house, or at the beach…? No, just his face was spread across the terrain in a very vague, Photoshop kind of way. It’s all well and good to see things that maybe resemble things in a strange ironic way but come on, its coincidence, nothing else. FACT.

Assuming it wasn’t a Photoshop job, its was just a vague image with a few things that may if you really thought long and hard about it, may resemble someone who had a beard and long hair. Lets face it, it could have been the singer out of ZZ TOP for all we know.

I’ve seen a fair share of uncanny things in my time. One of my ex-girlfriends often resembled the Devil, coincidence, NO, but what could I do, had she appeared later on my toastie, then I really would have been worried, but she hasn’t so far, having said that I won’t be paying four and a half euro’s to find out just in case.

So, Jesus… If we knew what he looked like it might help… We would maybe then and only then have at least a small indication of what we might be able to compare him with, till then, anyone who claims to have seen him appear anywhere just wants a big hug, and maybe locking up if they persist.

I’ve seen more vivid depictions in the clouds, drunk and sober, and despite this I acknowledge the fact that it wasn’t anyone sending me secret messages, it wasn’t God, Buddha or Charlton Heston wanting me to save the world, to not eat my toastie or sell it on eBay.

Me and the Feds…

It finally happened…
10:56 on 12 January 2010

I’m kind of shocked, but only so far as to say that I’m genuinely shocked that it took over a year and a half to finally happen.

My dear friends the beloved Greek Police to decide that I may be a sociopath, or if not, someone out getting Cat food and milk…

I clearly had the appearance of a maniac this morning as my cat was getting me seriously stressed as she’d run out of cat food late last night and the small bit she’d had left was snaffled by a local cheeky Tomcat, however it’s still not something that I would expect to be given the shakedown for.

I’m just thankful I’m not serving time, god forbid I’d have wanted chocolate or a loaf, who knows what could have happened to me!

I can only assume that the word has gotten out on my E’s a Dude Police officer’s, and how it coincidentally portrays them in a bad light… lol

E's the Law

Your initial reaction might be that we're here to help, but you'd be wrong...

I wish, admittedly. I probably don’t help myself normally as for over a year now after seeing the local Police in Exarhia beat a load of innocent homeless people for no reason other than being homeless, I do have a bad habit of staring them out, looking to see if they’d dare risk doing something stupid.

The numpty brigade on the Bikes are the worst, they cruise around on their little bikes like p*sspot warriors, thinking they look like something out of Mad Max. Sadly they don’t, they all come across as a bunch of pathetic, spoilt bullies who usually cause more trouble than they are there to prevent.

Fortunately I wasn’t alone today, the poor local immigrant population was also rounded up like cattle and subjected to worse treatment for, well, being foreign, and looking suspiciously like someone who’s struggling to survive, and clearly guilty of being subjected to Police Humiliation at every opportunity…

Definitely a reason to round them up. They spoke sufficient English to explain that I had to give my papers which bizarrely enough I actually had on me for once, yet when questioned about what this was for they suddenly lost all ability to communicate. This is a common issue with the Police here, and something that similarly happened to me when I was attacked by a drunken Taxi driver who tried to rob me who then proceeded to try to run me over outside the Police station in Galatsi last year…!

Thankfully the Police who I was fortunate enough to have harass me this morning were unlike those who I had to fortune to see in the Bar next to the Police station in Attiki some weeks past. That was like walking into Robocop’s Saloon, there had just been some mini riots in the centre of Athens and the Police were gearing themselves up to go out People whooping.

I think they must get some sort of bonus related smack down allowance as one officer had three truncheons! Three for Gods sake!!! One for each hand and I’m guessing that he tied the other to his dick and flapped it about all over the place when things got really out of control.

Seriously, he had one attached to each boot and a mini one hanging out of his nuclear, bullet/stab and fart proof jacket… Not to mention his gun and a family sized bag of tear gas to hand out.

E's the Law

Your looking suspiciously like someone who's about to get a Whooping...

So, I count myself as one small step closer to being accepted by Society. Having been screwed by the system here for my duration so far, having had to deal with the lies and corruption of ACTUP, KEELPNO and the Ministries that surround it I feel one step closer to being home…

Technorati token :

95KBADWNWR7H

Can’t Cook, Won’t cook…

Who’s today’s special of the Day…?

Well, it seems that prison food isn’t quite up to scratch these days after a convict killed and then cooked his cellmate. It’s a shame we don’t see more of this on Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen nightmares…

Now that would be good TV, a little extreme but I think I’d have to watch it just to believe it.

Apparently a couple of inmates had a disagreement over a hygiene issue, one which was rapidly resolved when one of the convicts killed the other and then proceeded to carve him open so he wouldn’t have to stand in line for his usual helping of prison slop and could proceed to then cook him as he chose!

Two slightly alarming things run through my head with that previous statement, they are the following :

Firstly we have to hope that the one who didn’t suffer the hygiene issues was the one served up, and the other is that he had chance to cook him…!? WTF!

Its one thing to kill your cell mate (or not) and get away with it for a short period of time, but to then proceed to cook him and not be spotted doing so is quite an achievement surely?

I personally didn’t think prisoners had access to all the mod cons within their cells, washing machine, cooker, microwave and a prisoner sized large Wok! Or is it my mistake, did he assume Chef duty later that day and then proceed to drag his prize to the prison kitchens whereby he got a light marinade on, prepared Veg and then set about dismembering the body!

Either way, I’m all for prisoners helping do their bit to solve the overcrowding process, this method though a little unusual does save the average Tax payer a little money in the future I’m sure, and the knowledge that another future crime won’t be committed should they have potentially turned out to be a repeat offender. Also, the convict who was eager to appear on Master Chef will now hopefully also serve an extended sentence whereby he can attempt to further his culinary skills on other members of the prison community.

If we as society think about it, we could maximize the potential and turn prisons into sort of human self recycling battery farms, fatten them all up on each other till the last one remains and gains the title of prison Master Chef. We’d give them an award and send them to the next prison whereby he could get stuck into he next batch of big juicy prisoners.

Plus, as general peace-loving non criminal members of the community it would maybe help reinforce the desire to not commit crime quite so freely.

Its one thing to be locked up, but another to be locked up with Hannibal Lecter…

I say vote now for your prison to host the next Master Chef and help fight crime, cook a criminal today…

*Le Big Mac

"I'm going to call it 'Le Big Mac', mainly as his name's Mac and he's French..."

*(Image by unknown source)

Aliens ‘hijack’ Nasa’s Voyager 2 spacecraft…

Finally… The story I’ve been dreaming of, the changing point in mankind’s perception of the universe, the concept that we are not alone…

Life in outer space!

“Aliens have hijacked a NASA spacecraft and are using it to try to contact earth, a UFO expert has claimed.”

And that sadly is where the story then goes tits up!

A UFO expert…

Say no more. I could be a UFO expert, but then so could you. In fact I have decided that I am one now anyway… So, is there a college you can enrol in to become a UFO expert, a Diploma you can take, an apprenticeship you can take? After passing all five stars at McDonald’s, do they promote you to UFO expert…?

No!

What were left with is probably an individual who has probably watched too many X-files shows, owns his own re-mastered digitally enhanced Star Wars collection on DVD, and Video, and who enjoys taking trips to all the latest Sci-Fi conventions. He is probably fluent in Klingon and knows that deep down, he knows a lot more about the Roswell incident than anyone else because he’s seen footage on the internet that proves that it like many other incidents was just a big conspiracy…

“Since its launch, Voyager 2 has been sending streams of data back to Earth for study by scientists, but on April 22, 2010, that stream of information suddenly changed.”

Wow, sounds promising so far! Maybe instead of sending back valuable information about the Universe and space, it’s now posting YouTube video’s on NASA’s homepage, tagging them in photographs taken from the Hubble telescope and poking them whenever possible…

“Hartwig Hausdorf, a German academic, believes that the reason Voyager 2, an unmanned probe that has been in space since 1977, is sending strange messages that are confusing scientists, is because it has been taken over by extraterrestrial life.”

Well, does it really take much to confuse scientists…? Clearly with matters involving science and the laws of physics and probability they are probably difficult to sway, however with common sense and rationality I wouldn’t have thought much would be able to have them all stood around scratching their heads.

Ask a scientist for the time of day though and they will undoubtedly want a hundred and one parameters to subdivide the locality, the conditions in which time and space is relevant and the proximity to your exact whereabouts at the moment in question.

I just want the time f*ckwit. Don’t make me slap you for it…Because I will.

So, on the other hand, there could be a simple explanation!

“NASA claimed that a software problem with the flight data system was the cause but Mr Hausdorf believes it could be the work of aliens.”

I’m with Mr Hausdorf on this one. You see several years ago I had a strange encounter with a copy of Windows 98, whereby for several years my computer had been working fine, till one day unexpectedly and without apparent reason, its stopped working…

My local PC expert claimed that the Hard drive may have failed, maybe the software had become corrupt, maybe I had no power in the building or simply I had unplugged it by accident, maybe I had wiped the drive, maybe I had removed vital components from my PC subconsciously…

Fortunately we discovered the source of the problem. ALIENS…

 

It was clear. The reason why I hadn’t spotted it before was because when they’d travelled the length of the universe to reach mankind and sabotage my PC, they also obviously beamed me up and probably probed me in all manner of sexual ways, clearly for scientific experimentation.

When they had returned me to Earth they had wiped my brain of any memories of the nights events and left without trace. I know it seems hard to believe but its true. How else could I explain my PC not working and my fetish for Galaxy chocolate bars!

Fortunately for me the therapy has helped but I still have lingering doubts as to what happened on that dark night.

It was dark, obviously, the clues in the ‘night’ bit, it may have been sinister as well, I have no recollection of what I may have done to them either. Waking me in the middle of the night can often have painful repercussions for anyone trying to disturb me from my slumber, especially if your from another planet as my ex-wife often found out.

I don’t think that I’d be one of these people who would idly stand staring at the sight of an Alien space craft descending to Earth, nor would I probably be one of these who calmly wanted to make first contact in a civilised manner. I could be wrong who knows, till it happens (again) I won’t know.

Firstly I believe in equal rights to everyone, that includes men women and especially Alien lifeforms.

If I get the choice, anyone seen trying to get into my house would be met with the same brutality as that of a Burglar trying to steal my worldly goods. To be honest, I don’t care where your from. What your reasons, why or how, but I will do all I can to make sure the police never found your body again.

It’s just the way it is. If you’re a Burglar no one knows where your going, when you’ll be back or what to do if you go missing, and I’ll do my damned best to make sure that me and the local Police aren’t wasting unnecessary Tax payers money by trying to justify your sorry ass robbing people for a life. No way.

It does make me think though, one day I really must return to the house i was living in at the time and actually have a look at what’s under that hastily built pond I made that night!

But seriously, Aliens do that sort of thing. Why else would they have travelled all that way to Earth just screw up my PC without their being a deeper meaning… I also further noticed on inspection that I had run out of cigarettes and that all my Monster munch had gone missing during the night as well. The copious bag of weed that was mysteriously in my house was half empty and there wasn’t any chocolate for miles…

Aliens I tell you… They’re everywhere…

So, after further examination of my PC it turns out that I had indeed been visited by Aliens. Not only had they sabotaged my PC and half eaten my munchies, smoked my weed and left the TV on, but they had messed my hair up and stolen my Rizla’s.

That was  the last straw.

Similarly to Mr Hausdorf, I suspect he’s also wondering where his Rizla’s are this morning…

“NASA claimed that a software problem with the flight data system was the cause.”

So who do we believe, a bunch of scientists working for NASA or a self acclaimed UFO expert…? I know where my money is…

He told the German newspaper Bild: “It seems almost as if someone has reprogrammed or hijacked the probe – thus perhaps we do not yet know the whole truth.”

Conclusive proof that we are about to maybe face the biggest threat to humanity.

If you want my advice…

Lube up and get ready for Invasion!!!

Aliens, anal probe, nasa, area 51, conspiracies
Independence Day eat your heart out…