Volunteers wanted – Serious applicants only…

I am currently looking into setting up a new (NGO), a Non Governmental Organisation into the preservation of Strawberry Jam. I have spoken of this in one of my earlier posts however now feel that the time is ripe and the problems associated with this highly sensitive sector of sweet condiment are well past their sell by date…

Getting Organised :

FCKDUP DRASE TOAST‘. – (The Fckdup Coalition to Keep Delicious Uber Preserves)  will be the first official (NGNLO) – Non Governmental Non Legal Organisation founded to fight the misrepresentation of Strawberry Jam, as well as society’s prudery to Jelly and other preserves by putting a stop to all prejudice and guilt.

We fight to remind society that no Jam was ever fought off with exorcisms, panic and a regression to conservatism. Strawberry Jam is indeed a serious problem yet it’s not the only one – Damson, Raspberry, Apricot and Blueberry are just a few examples to also name which all need our dedication and help. What makes this particular preserve so important for us is its symbolic charge and the way it’s manipulated by the Authorities into being classed as a simple fruit when it isn’t.

FCKDUP works in the field of Strawberries and other achene indehiscent fruits as well as the Exploitation and Trafficking of Honey Bees.

With ‘field’ intervention programmes we aim to inform and raise awareness of the public and the special social groups who are most at risk. Target groups will include and focus on fat people, people with no Toast, and those who still can’t believe it’s not butter.
We also aim to help provide specialised information and sugar free alternatives for Diabetics.

Join now :

We require all manner of volunteers to help raise awareness on this tragic plight of Strawberry Jam in both Greece and abroad and need the support of the public and wider community to expose those who mock and persecute those who have been affected already.

Starting up :

My initial thoughts are to start small and work our way up so I’m going to start off by running a small awareness campaign and to introduce a dedicated ‘Helpline‘ as well as an information support pack. We then need to have a non functional website providing useless information obtained by copying Wikipedia entries and submitting them to the relevant  authorities, as myself and a few Volunteers who can pretend to be leading authorities in the field of Strawberry Jam. – Not literally in a field of Strawberry Jam although that could be fun too.

The Project’s will fall into two categories – Hot and Cold and include options for branching out at a later date. The ‘Hot‘line will cover all Toast, Jam tarts, warm puddings while the ‘Cold‘line will cover cakes, scones and general deserts & side orders.

– Standards :

Experience so far leads me to believe that these aren’t necessary however it won’t hurt to at least pretend we have some so I’m in the process of writing an organisational statute which we can modify and alter to suit the relative Ministries depending upon our needs at the time. If we’re lucky we will be able to get included in European and Greek funded projects, by claiming to be involved with some other leading Organisations and providing non factual account of our activities we will further be able to complete our ruse on an International level.

The statute isn’t that important however I have a friend who works at another leading NGO who will fill it out as needed if we change our goals and needs accordingly.

Having already spoken to the (il)legal department at ΚΕΕΛΠΝΟ (the Greek CDC) – about NGO‘s previously and had a full rundown on the standards and requirements it seems that already without any qualified or specialised staff we have a great chance of getting employed full-time and gaining access to all the state details regarding this sector. Just for good measure though I’m going to vote myself in as the President of the NGO and claim to be a Tree Doctor, having read an article about Tree surgery once. It’s more than plausable and I know they will cover me if ever I’m exposed.

The NGO currently lacks a Financial Director who can help ‘cook the books’, and provide financial non-accountability as well as being able to provide alibi’s and help with the distribution of mis-information and other lies when required.

A Fringe benefit package would work out nicely with the position of Financial Director and it would be highly beneficial if this position was filled with someone suitably loose on morality allowing for further exploitation of our NLNGO. Between us we could officiate and the sign off any projects we wanted without without having to involve any third party witnesses, this would work out especially favourable with private sector funding as we could just channel it straight into our own accounts. Meanwhile I will be conducting trials/suitability tests and all candidates can seek to impress by contacting me and expressing their unquenched desire to suckseed at the first opportunity.

Also needed are volunteers who are competent in claiming to have Legal knowledge, Medical experience and preferably a background in Gynaecology. – After all we do live in a modern world and Strawberry Jam does have a habit of getting everywhere when you least expect it, plus there’s the added bonus of if we suddenly get struck down by acting like a complete bunch of c*nts then we already have specialised in house treatment available…

– (Apparently it’s surprisingly common when you run an NGO).  After all it’s better to be prepared and as the first official NGNLO it’s hard to imagine what we may get struck down by along the way so prevention will no doubt be better than the cure.

For the phone line I was hoping to recruit some people who have already experience with maybe the ‘Croissant Hotline number‘ as this would provide a comforting environment with similar guidelines for both the caller and the operator.

I’m aiming for a budget of maybe 100,000.00 euro’s a year due to the amount of potential callers, the seriousness of the problem, and the number of Toasties, Latte’s and trips to the Beach we may need to make whilst saving people from themselves.

– Long Term Objectives :

The long term plan is to be able to infiltrate one of the Government authorities as most people will be suspicious of an Non Government Organisation without us all working for the Government. Fortunately I know a number of people at ΚΕΕΛΠΝΟ who have the potential and experience when dealing with this and may be able to help out. From what I know already, without some previous experience defrauding the state we may suffer a few setbacks getting short listed which is why I suggest we start with the Strawberry Jam Hotline. From this we can expand into Bee trafficking and easily claim funds for this vulnerable sector of society, especially as whilst working for the state we can effectively fund ourselves and cover our tracks by seeking private funding and refuting it’s existence.

The ‘Fraise Hotline‘ will be our main contact point on finding out who currently has Strawberry Jam related issues in Greece. This will give us our ideal start-up platform into being able to manipulate anyone else who is either in power, politics or the press/media and who have been unwillingly victims of Strawberry Jam related persecution, or worst still – those who are currently receiving treatment.

We then need to set up a Committee to help petition and officiate all state and European matters. A dedicated un-ethical committee will also help provide an authentic touch to our cause and avoid us getting unstuck on legal matters surrounding any implementation of non legal projects but also by using non qualified or registered staff it will be much easier to help us wash our hands of any difficulties which may come to light in the future.

Trafficking :

Strawberry Jam is not primarily associated with Trafficking however this is just misconceived public perception and something which we also hope to highlight.

Plans into housing Refugee’s in a second rate, unsecure and seriously unequipped hostel will enable us to claim further funding and add a vital feel good factor to our cause in the eyes of the public. By not providing them with essential resources we will also be able to maximise on funding and exploit them for our own needs whenever required.

This part is also vital into getting external funding from the private and corporate sector, we could maybe also approach Khiels or similar establishments and sidetrack funding for the ‘shelter’ into alternative aspects of the Organisation, Champagne dinners are one such option I recommend.

FCKDUP DRASE ΤΟΑST

Summary :

To ensure longevity in our cause I suggest we change our name periodically from ‘FCKDUP‘ to ‘FCKDUP‘ and ‘FCKD UPDRASE TOAST. This will ensure that we dissipate all accountability of our actions, ultimately making it harder for the authorities to track us down if ever our someone makes this kind of conduct illegal or for those who seek to investigate our actions.

We aim to be the first NLNGO to specialise in the awareness and preservation of all Strawberry Jams, condiments and other speciality sauces and jellies.

We will be the official representatives for Greece with the UNfruit and the World Strawberry Campaign.

As not enough people know about Strawberry Jam and whilst Governments across the world are ineffectively tacking this highly specialised problem we aim to raise awareness and pro-actively fight for the people, the problems and the Strawberries.

Far too many people assume that the common Strawberry is just a simple achene indehiscent fruit that can be openly abused and taken advantage of. We aim to rectify this situation.

With your help, funding and details all stored away after a few projects we can make sure you help us help ourselves.

Join now :

Contact me NOW with details on how you can help Save Strawberry Jam…

I know it seems ridiculous really but apparently the truth is stranger than fiction :

As if an NGO’s could be that bad…!

About Simon Rawicz

Hmmm, It is about me I suppose... Work hard die young seems to be the motto life's going to write on my coffin well before we agree on terms and conditions. I'm a 2D/3D Artist/Designer and Multi-media specialist by trade, I play guitar and write songs when I'm not wanting to vent my anger out on the system. If I occasionally do get time to do anything else I'd like to know about it... Meanwhile to free my mind of the many demons that stalk me, I write stuff, your reading it so I don't need to tell you any more than that surely...!
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3 Responses to Volunteers wanted – Serious applicants only…

  1. nisakiman says:

    I’d love to help you there matey, but the seeds get in my teeth (not as bad as rasberry jam though), but I could get into a bit of marmalade trafficking if there are any openings…

    It would ideally need to be on toast, though – I’m not sure the gynaecological aspects of marmalade would apply, what with it being a little tart…

    Like

  2. Reblogged this on A fckdup blog for a fckdup world… and commented:

    Come on people, it’s time to help out the Greek Economy, we need to set up another bogus NGO to be able to claim funding from the state so we can put f*cking funds back in the state!

    My original idea to rob a bank would probably be deemed to avant-garde, however nicely fitting in with a nice suit I figured it would be easier to just stroll into one of the many Ministries and pitch them my new Idea.

    Saving Strawberry Jam. . .

    Like

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