In an age where ‘Kim Kardashians‘ fat photoshopped arse makes more news than most genuine stories of worth, (Global Warming, People starving, Immigration and Terrorism etc), it’s nice to reflect on a bygone age of seduction, imagination and sensual/visual tease.
I remember days when a ‘Camel Toe‘ was actually found on a Camel, and would only ever usually be seen at the Zoo. Not a necessity in an article about a beautiful woman who now had to have her vajazzle stuffed into a wide angle zoom lens for all to see.
I remember when a ‘Wardrobe Malfunction‘ was also something more akin to a failed Ikea project or in the worse case, – ‘The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe‘.
Nothing signifies a wardrobe malfunction more than a dangerous carnivore and a mythical sorceress actually being in THE wardrobe, but not any more. It appears that leaving the house and having your love plums swinging out the bottom of your shorts when being papped, or when smiling for the worlds press with no undercrackers on whilst you’re genitals are waving to your mother is now one such incident.
Despite all these perils now becoming a part of our morally astute society, ensuring prime time for your junk to be seen is ‘all their age‘. . .
So much so that soon they probably won’t even let you on public transport unless you poke the driver in the eye with a nipple or indulge him in a quick ‘tea-bagging‘ session between stops.
I also remember reading about famous people, and not having to worry about whether they were or weren’t male or female, gay or straight, or in need of having to declare themselves as whatever due to Mankind’s shallow need to categorise everyone to fit into a certain demographic, which only then serves to be used by the media and the (for/against) argument to which now it serves.
I remember a time when it wasn’t deemed as ‘sexist‘ to want a woman without armpit hair, a beard or a penis, and yet these days it’s almost seen as taboo to even whisper of such abnormalities. Most of all I remember being able to enjoy seeing the spark and energy flicker across a person as their inner beauty hinted at what could be, your imagination being driven wild as your mind wandered into an unknown world of hope.
So we made it all better did we? Ahhh yes. Throwing away our primal instincts for the ‘latest‘ handheld retard initiator, aptly known as an ‘eyephone‘ because if you wave it near me I’ll probably stuff in your face and gouge out your eyes.
Meanwhile, I just downloaded a new ‘app‘ for my mobile, it’s called ‘Ignorant bastard‘.
It does f*ck all, I do f*ck all, and anyone near me also gets to do F*CK ALL. . . Those not even with me look at me whilst I’m doing f*ck all and we all do F*CK ALL together.
Brilliant isn’t it. Most phones have this as standard from what I’ve seen lately and it’s just amazing what they can do. The best thing is that I’m connected ‘Worldwide‘, and I can let people know when I’m doing ‘F*CK ALL’ – 25/7, 9 days a week, 703 days a year!
So, Technology! What a wonder that became, Now all I get to see when I’m out and about is people walking into lampposts as they stare into their phones, tripping over raised paving slabs and stumbling over steps as they wade through dogsh*t bouncing off people tweeting about where they’re next off to.
The joys of making eye contact in public nowadays has become a high risk endeavour, as more and more people so unused to the ‘real‘ world lose all sense of how to interact with each other.
They look at you like an Alien if you try and be civil, and are never more than one phone call away from the Police if you so much as smile at them.
Someone needs to invent an app which causes phones in the nearby vicinity to explode, but which also takes a ‘Selfie‘ and uploads it to everyone you know whilst doing so.
World, what went wrong. . . ?
Whilst I appreciate that we as a species need to learn and adapt, there’s nothing more alluring or appealing than real life, with real people, in real situations doing what real people used to do.
Are people so scared to be seen as not being like everyone else, every second of every day, all day long every f*cking day?
And do we really give a sh*t, need to know or have to have it all stuffed into our faces. If we want to know more, we’d ask, we’d look, we’d save some for the discovery.
These days its like :
– Hi, have you met my Ass? Me and my Tits went to the Mall and here’s a full itinerary of each f*cking step I took till I got there and did the same sh*t most people do anyway, but because you haven’t got all this sh*t in my face, I thought you might like to know what and how to do it too because you obviously do nothing because I haven’t seen you upload anything for minutes.
– In case you forgot what I look like, I just uploaded another ‘Selfie‘ because you blinked and may have missed me looking like this at that angle, because just then, that was me, have you liked it yet? If you don’t like it straight away, I’ll keep posting it till I’ve got enough likes, so it’s best if you just like it now.
– You do like it don’t you? Have you seen me in this one, I just took this one while you were thinking about liking the last one. Isn’t it great!!!
– You’re quiet, are you ok, are you dead, or worst still, is there no WIFI!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. . .
-(999, 911, 100) – Emergency services, I need urgent assistance straight away!
– “Certainly Madam. What appears to be the problem?”
– I don’t know how to say this, but we have no connection. . . Sob.
– “That’s ok, we’ll have someone round to give you a full lobotomy straight away. . .”
Sometimes there is nothing more beautiful than something like the picture featured. It’s not the person per say (but she is heavenly), it’s the principle and what the image represents that matters.
There is nothing more beautiful than beauty imagined, inside.
The eyes are the gateway to the soul, (also a hefty divorce and kids who grow up to hate you), but before all that, there is often a fleeting elevation to which we as people all live for. The smile that beckons, the lips that tease, the thought that lingers after your eyes have passed each others gaze.
The slow desire which comes from within, eagerly consumes our mind as we desperately seek to break the silence and learn more.
These days, you might as well just walk upto someone you like, butt-naked, point to your bits and ask them if they want to share it!
* – Legal Disclaimer : No Camels were hurt in the creation of this article.