Top ten things YOU need to know, well, that maybe somewhat of an ambiguous statement, to say the least but here we go…
Where to begin. You know how sometimes you have a thought, it leads to others and before you know it something has tickled your fancy. Well this happened to me today.
Before long I was sat with a few notes and my mind was wandering, this lead to this, that lead to that and then before you know it, your sort of chuckling innocently to yourself as momentum builds.
After about ten minutes I was struggling to not laugh out loud and for nearly an hour after than I was struggling to keep my sh*t together and had to come inside before the neighbours probably thought I’d been possessed.
Anyway, long and short of it, it’s fair to try and share this for what it was because some of this is either funny, or I’m f*cking nuts. Either way, It changes nothing and what this is, IS.
Sure there’s been lists on-line, prior to that old fashioned ‘handwritten’ lists, but none that will revolutionise your life quite like the detailed findings conducted over a dedicated life searching for ways to better optimize YOUR world. Or not, some won’t, I can guarantee it.
But you’re here anyway so read on as it’s already too late.
Subjects covered are listed below :
2 – House shutters.
3 – Opening a juice box.
4 – Currants/Raisins.
5 – Those traffic cops with the whistles.
6 – Frogs legs.
7 – Politicians.
8 – Slinky’s.
9 – Pizza slices.
10 – And those stupid Moped thingies with two wheels at the front.
*11 – Top ten lists…
*12 – The word ‘buttmunch’.
*13 – Donald Trumps hair stylist.
*14 – North Korea.
*15 – The news.
*16 – Please feel free to add your own where applicable.
The changes your life will benefit from will far exceed your wildest expectations and never again will you have to wonder about some of the greatest mysteries that baffled scholars, scientists and philosophers for, erm seconds…
1 –Cheese :
In particular, the cheese doorstop. That’s what I’m talking about!
I searched and searched and I couldn’t believe the lack of information available on the subject so I felt it my humble duty to pull my sleeves up and get a groove on if you like, myself, (all on my lonesome) as some questions in life require a definitive answer.
Firstly, they make for a rubbish doorstop. Trust me, I know, I tried everything.
First one a mouse ate. Second one the mouse ate it shortly before my cats savaged it.
Third one (and I’m guessing that there were no more mice in the vicinity), my cats ate.
Forth one I put on a different door and made it so my cats couldn’t get to it, and guess what. My housemate picked it up and threw it in the bin…
Fifth one, having written a note, put it in a different room and after making sure everyone was asleep went mouldy after I’d forgotten about it.
It was only when I discovered a green fungus eating its way through the door that I remembered the whole point of the exercise, ‘how to make a cheap and efficient doorstop’ that jogged my mind again some months later, a new door and half a kilo of cheese later… These are my findings.
So, I could have bought a typical doorstop from any reputable home store but this wasn’t the point, there had to be an alternative and besides, everyone does that. Why become part of the mainstream when true creative genius can flow freely.
Why give in I thought to myself, nibbling on the latest doorstop with a few crackers and a glass of Chianti, several doorstop’s later, an empty bottle of wine and a sound plan in mind, I began my research.
It took several months for the Grant to come through. Why not, have you seen some of the sh*t scientists get to experiment with in the name of ‘science’ these days. Exactly… Hell I might even create an NGO and specialize in the subject while I’m still in Greece! Governments here love burning people’s hard earned money and we all love a corrupt NGO don’t we… Θ)
So, I knew the potential and despite it already having cost me a fortune, I decided to look into marketing my new found ‘patent’ – The cheese doorstop.
I looked, and what did I find, nothing. Nothing on the market already, nothing on QVC or the internet, so game on!
Why try and reinvent the wheel (the cheese wheel), obviously when you can just hack off a slice and make millions… (boo hiss) I know, bad pun so sue me… Θ)
On with the research.
Brie : Soft, creamy, sticks to the door and left a trail across the floor.
Camembert : Same, slipped and gave myself a wedgie when I caught my undercrackers on the door handle.
Edam : Got to love the Dutch… A cheese with both a weatherproof exterior and a consistency to rival any. One suitable contender!
Cheddar : Similar to Edam but without the red raincoat.
Graviera : Personally a favourite of mine here in Greece, and subsequently one I kept eating and couldn’t justify putting it on the floor without knowing that despite this, I might still pick it up and eat it regardless of the risk to my life.
Smoked cheese : This proved to be another fruitless choice as it’s also one of my favourite cheeses with the very real danger of never making it through the beta stages.
And then we have the modern classic, the Baby Bell…Ok, technically I know what you’re thinking, ‘it’s not really a cheese’. True, not sure that anyone actually does know what they are other than being something like a bag of mutant goat testicles hiding themselves in comic relief noses.
A great idea in principle, but why not just make smaller Edam’s… !?
Things to definitely avoid were cheese substitutes.
Cheese crackers : Still hoovering up crumbs and have bits between my toes.
Cheese wotsits : Damn things just evaporate after a day or so. Might as well use candy floss, and how stupid would that be?
Then came the Cheese Scone : A great Idea I thought at the time, but when I tried one it shot under the fridge like a hockey puck and hasn’t been seen since.
Other alternative options included the following :
A slice of chocolate cake : I now have an Ant infestation.
Wood : For those with a limited (or for those with an over active imagination) I mean wooden wedge, not literally ‘wood’, lying on the floor butt naked with your man sausage stuffed under the door. Which incidentally proved most uncomfortable anyway.
I remember as a kid seeing wooden door wedges scattered about peoples homes before, but these clearly used some unseen voodoo sorcery at work because all my attempts thus far resulted in a slightly smaller, smoother wooden shaped object scuffing itself across the floor, scratching the surface, sanding itself intimately smaller everytime I open the door.
My last attempt involved a tin of Roses chocolates, my mission was to use the green wrapped triangle chocolates you rarely see in a tin as everyone knows that these are the ‘safe’ neutral chocolate and disappear quite early on.
By the time I’d worked my way through the tin I’d forgotten all about the ones I wanted and went to bed feeling sick.
Conclusion. If you want a cheap, effective doorstop : Don’t use cheese.
2 – House shutters :
Here’s why this matters to YOU. Where I live I have a fairly good view of the metropolis which is called Athens. Apartments in abundance, shops, flats etc etc, you know the deal. And yet from where I sit on my balcony most days, I can’t help notice several dwellings which for all intents and purposes have shutters on all but one of their windows/doors. Typically these look to me from where I’m sitting to either be kitchen or bathroom windows but I could be wrong, they may have a store room or utility room with a view, whatever.
I’m not used to seeing these as I do further a field in Europe because the British clearly have the need to be able to see how sh*te the weather is at any given moment.
We tend to favour being able to stare into the abyss and to moan about how sh*te everything is daily, often thrice daily, hourly even, hell some people I left in the UK are probably still as I write moaning about the weather in 2008. We’re world leaders at it.
Further to this, I also think we quite like having the potential to catch a burglar in our home so we can beat them to within an inch of their life and claim it as ‘self defence’, even though we left the window open and a stash of fake money on the window sill.
So, in my bid to impart some wisdom to those with, or seeking to install shutters on their property, I keenly advise spending that little extra and getting all access points covered.
I’m no rocket scientist but if I were a burglar, and now, without actually being one, I’m almost tempted to break into these f*ckers homes just to leave ALL their shutters open as a lesson.
3- Opening a juice box :
And yes, I know what you’re thinking, ‘did he really say juice box, at this time of day, so close to Easter’… And the answer is yes. I said it!
Truth be told, I’m a big fan of them but that’s not the point.
I also include, Milk cartons, those Tomato rectangles of shredded puree type stuff and anything else with liquid and a slightly wax covered slightly cubed outer box shape.
If you’re like me, you’ll know all to much about the perils of trying to open one of these damned things, and to quote my nans immortal words, ‘careful, you’ll have somebody’s eye out with that if you’re not careful’ and she knew some stuff. Trust me.
So, this life saving, eye preserving tip is of utmost importance for everyone regularly facing a glass of milk, chopped tomatoes and other such things.
When you’re about to open or snip the corner, some now have a foil pull back strip, some a plastic funnel, designed by someone who has no idea how a funnel works, and or some have an exotic lid to untwizzle, resist, for now at least.
And here’s the gem. Before you rush in, wildly grappling with the beast, it’s important to stay calm. Compose yourself and remember, if in doubt protective clothing, an eye patch and a parrot can all come into their own, either before, or after such an undertaking and no precaution is over the top.
I ordered one of those heavy duty bomb disposal suits just to be sure before I discovered this life changing tip, so read on…
It’s imperative that you gently unfold all corners of the carton. Most have two, the leading edge where the makers would have you believe the content pours from and the other side, the redundant other side, equally gifted with a folded edge.
So, unfold these, fold them all the way down till they rest against the carton, making sure not to tear or break the object and risk an incident and then bend them upwards again, pointing skywards (for those struggling with upwards).
Before opening, cutting or peeling back and untwizzling the twizzly thing, snip the opposing corner with an opening towards the pointy end. A distance of 4-5 mm is recommended.
Then, very gently squeeze it open, allowing the item to ‘breathe’ as it were.
After this, open the designated opening in the way specified by the manufacturer and when you pour from the carton, the vacuum usually waiting to churn out and spit content across the room, blinding your family and ruining your fresh white apron shouldn’t happen.
This may take several attempts as the initial opening has to be sufficient enough to counter the speed to which you pour.
4 – Currants / Raisins… Discuss.
Is it just me or are these things the f*cking same or what!? Sure some are brown and look like wet rabbit farts wrapped in a moist but waterproof scrotum and the others look like flies with the legs and wings pulled off.
Firstly, does anyone know what these damn things actually are. I mean, I’m not stupid, I love nature, have read and explored land extensively and yet have never come across a Currant or Raisin bush/tree anywhere in the wild.
We have dried figs, dried apricots, and many other types of fruit available, so how come these aren’t dried ‘whatever the hell they are’ fruits!?
Whilst making rock cakes the other day I happened to stumble across a recipe requiring mixed fruit. Like really, mixed fruit, really, what kind of a vague interpretation on culinary expertise is that!?
Mixed fruit, well, a bag with anything in it. Bananas, a kiwi, three tomatoes and a watermelon. Mixed fruit, sure….
What next, half a bag of floury stuff, an egg, please feel free to use whatever’s handy, (Ostrich, Crocodile, Platypus) etc etc. Sweet stuff, you know, sugar, honey, maybe why not just break a few candy bars and throw them in too. F*ck it…
So the question became evident by circumstance. No mixed fruit, and two bags of small squidgy things and no clue as to which were which.
There’s probably an art to it, experience born upon listening to wiser, more educated people who know their currants from their raisins, but those days are long behind me now and in all fairness, probably something that I wouldn’t have cared about much as a child as I couldn’t really say I liked them much prior to living in Canada anyway.
There you could buy a small red box about the size of a matchbox, (the name escapes me as I fondly look back) and I did somehow really like them. Prior to that I know I always tried to avoid the choice if possible, whatever they were, they weren’t chocolate so have a word with yourself.
What’s the point of trying to make a cake ‘healthy’!? It’s cake. Grow up.
Carrot cake, now in all honesty I’ve actually had some really nice carrot cakes before, and loved them. My aunt in Manchester makes a particularly awesome one and they have their own merit and place in the Universe but who first thought, I know. Lets make a cake…
Chocolate, erm, fruit, banana, erm, nut… I know, lets make a carrot cake. Let’s use a vegetable to make a desert. In some ways it’s genius. Who’d have thought it. Anyone for a Brussel Sprout cookie? Hell yeah.
F*ck convention. We’re starting a revolution and not just baking cakes…
So, if you know the difference between currants and raisins, please forward your response to the following email address :
5 – Traffic cops with whistles :
Firstly, who the hell thought that up. Some Chief commissioner high on crack I’ll bet!?
Here’s the thinking behind that. Lets give a jumped up wannabe robocop a whistle and a Uniform and have him stand in the road whistling all bloody day long, waving his arms around like a penguin trying to achieve flight for the first time.
I mean, a whistle. Why not a kazoo, or a harmonica, a saxaphone would be great and probably lighten everyones mood too, but a smegging whistle!? Come the f*ck on…
So, who trains these f*ckers anyway? Do they go to special lessons or something. What’s the deal with that?
I only bring these to light as the main road near me has recently become home to dozens of men in workers overalls staging some sort of daily picnic where traffic once flowed readily and easily upon it’s merry way.
Now, we have congestion, dust, dirt noise and some idiot blowing a whistle all day long, content to a creative freedom bestowed upon him by the local traffic department who seem to believe that his musical skill alone will finish the roadworks which are set to have no end in mind.
Maybe he commands a hoard of invisible workers, scuttling about their chores repairing the roads and bringing calm to the streets. Or not.
I know one thing though, it’s miracle there isn’t youtube footage of someone ‘inserting’ that whistle into him yet.
I’ll give him his dues. He’s committed, or at least should be. I assume they wear ear plugs, or are tone deaf at least, ideally both just in case one of the two options were to fail and you suddenly became aware of what the hell it was you were doing.
Personally I think they should be choreographed. Maybe have a couple of them standing on opposing corners of the streets, Synchronised Traffic wardens, in tight skimpy little outfits, buns on display for the ladies and a healthy repertoire of classic whistling material to keep people interested. At least have a rhythm…If you can’t meet this minumum requirement, then p*ss off to X-Factor!
So, while your sat in traffic, going nowhere fast, watching your life pass you by as some idiot stands before you hooting away like an epileptic who’s swallowed a dogs chewy toy, be thankful you are not him…
6 – Frogs legs :
Probably best left on the frogs really. Not much more to say on the matter other than if you’re going to eat something, don’t waste more than half of what you have had to kill in the first place.
7 – Politicians and Government officials :
If you happen to come across one of these on your journeys, give them a good firm slap. They might not be doing anything wrong at the time, but one day, they will.
(Legal disclaimer) – I am not condoning the wilful act of slapping an MP, but, read between the lines. Just one, a damned good one should do the trick.
8 – Slinky’s :
Where did all the slinkies go? I remember as a kid and everyone had a slinky. Why? Hell nobody knew why but your parents who bought the damned thing! Birthdays, Christmas’s and any other opportunity whereby your parents could buy you an elongated metal spring instead of a proper toy was fair game for the con of your life.
Oooo, they fall down the stairs, ooo they fall off chairs, oo, is that it!? Thanks. Next year, f*ck you I want Lego…
9 – Pizza slices :
I’m not talking pizza slices, slices of a pizza, I’m talking those refrigerated or frozen cardboard boxes or shrink wrapped slices of pizza you see all over the place these days.
Who’s so un-appetised that they think, I know, I could murder a single slice of pizza.
Kids in Africa won’t even stand in line for less than two pieces each and still they’d look at you like, ‘really, what’s this sh*t?’
I mean, even hardcore munchies brought on by copious amounts of drugs leads even the most wasted of clientele to question their hunger when confronted by the saddest, most pathetic lacklustre plastic cheese topped wedge of unabated misery known as the individual pizza slice.
I love pizza. I used to run a Pizza Hut in Stapleford, Notts back when I was a stoner in a band, so it kept me alive throughout this period of my life, but it was never one piece. I ate more than one piece when I was asleep and unaware of the act.
One piece wouldn’t have replenished the energy required to get the piece in the first place and so myself and all the others who made our unwise choice would have all perished in the doorway, hungry, confused and probably all fighting over the next customers decrepid single slice of pizza.
Of course in America they have pizza’s the size of UFO’s. A slice of one of those bad boys would fill you for a week, but in a roadside café, the supermarket or the petrol station, don’t ever feel compelled to risk the utter disappointment of the single slice of pizza, gloriously depicted on the box as made by the gods, topped by Mongolian Yaks cheese and pepperoni so delicious, you don’t even question what the hell animal it comes from…
10 – Those moped thingies with the two wheels on the front.
An explanation is required, clearly.
And not from me. I have no f*cking idea. Still. I see them pass me occasionally and for hours afterwards find myself thinking, is there a wheel too many, or one less than it actually needs!?
I understand tricycles, quad bikes, bicycles and last but not least, unicycles.
Why anyone one would stick an extra wheel on what it essentially a proven method of transport already is beyond me.
Like my car? I have an extra wheel on the front next to the other perfectly good wheel. Nice.
I can see some designer pulled a crafty there. Probably on a bonus or last minute rush job and had no f*cking clue what to do next, 5 minutes before the boss storms in and wants to see the latest product.
So, you stuck another wheel on the front of a Moped. Have a banana…
What does it do? Well, that’s the question isn’t it. Running parallel to the other wheel, I’m guessing it does the same as the other one really.
I guess they have merit as they seem popular enough. Not a fan myself, but not for obvious reasons, I like sitting on my balcony and playing guitar and the ambience is blocked out when bikes go screaming down my street, I’d shoot them in the head all the same, or maybe they should stick an extra exhaust on them as an alternative but I’m not fussy… Bikes have earned the right to do this, this contraption is still caught between a toy and a joke.
It’s like someone’s tried to invert a Robin Reliant, put it on a diet, stripped it naked and given it a complex…
*11 – Top ten lists :
So, Top ten lists. Obviously I have to include my own otherwise this wouldn’t be a fair and impartial article and like too many other on-line wonders of modern literature, wouldn’t claim to be anything other than bordering on the absurb and leaning heavily towards the ridiculous.
I’ve read a few. We all have, boredom, an accidental mouse click here, a facebook link there and before you know it, you’re suddenly finding out the best ways to crimp your hair with a waffle iron.
My favourite are the ones claiming how you’ve been opening doors wrong your entire life, or how some guy discovered a new, more efficient way of de-shelling eggs with a golf club, three midgets and a Dyson hoover.
They save us so much time how can we not be thankful. I once saw one where to chop Onions a guy proudly showed off his skills by using an electric breadknife and a comb. By the time he’d set it up, chopped his onions and then cleaned his knife and put it all away, I reckon I could have chopped twice the number of onions using a tennis racket.
So why are we obsessed by these pages, or are we!? Does anyone actually know or care, and do people actually visit them other than for the smug hope of already having a better, more efficient way of doing the ‘said’ thing already, or is it just to troll and ridicule those who add their honest and thoughtful responses to the comments section below.
“I watched your five minute video on ‘how to watch videos better than you have ever watched a video EVER before’ and it simply changed my life. Now, knowing my life has been cut short by the five fecking minutes you robbed me of, I am parked outside your house with a high caliber rifle and am about to blow your brains out next time you pass by the window” – Yours sincerely, Brenda, Ohio.
Chance would be a fine thing. Seemingly random and sporadic assassinations taking place across the world by all the people (including yourselves) who saved a few minutes by supposedly saving hours from their lives learning new ways to shave hamsters with a Flymo…
I tried it myself but can’t tell you how it worked out because I still can’t find the Hamster…
Anyway, I remember a vivid just say ‘NO’ campaign in the eighties to ward off drugs. I can’t remember much at the time as I was wasted, but we should instigate the same ruthless campaign against ‘Top ten’ lists the world over. I’d even go so far as to ban shopping lists too.
Whenever I have one, I go out and come back with f*ck all on it. That’s assuming I remember I have it, can find it or end up in the right shop to begin with.
So, if you need any further proof as to why not to encourage these posts, read on…
*12 – The word ‘buttmunch’ :
No idea why, but isn’t it just such a great word. It’s nearly as thought evoking as ‘Dumbass’ and yet more sophisticated than “F*ckwit”…
*13 – Donald Trumps hair stylist :
What a legend… Is this guy not just having the best laugh ever!!! Actually getting paid to implant a lopsided mop onto the ‘potentially’ most dangerous man on the planets head. This deserves an award, a medal even, and maybe even the Turner prize…
Why not, we’ve all seen the sh*t that wins that!
*14 – North Korea :
To tie in a link between the future President of the End of the World, and to connect North Korea’s recent successful launch of a Firework, it seemed only right to include yet another hair challenged maniac into the list.
(Newsflash) Military analysts have just confirmed that the Firework failed to take off and the footage shown was just a duck with a sparkler duct taped to it… (get it… Ha, ha). It’s almost so bad its good…
Years ago you could spot lunatics because they had a Charlie Chaplin moustache and called themselves Adolf, but now, this seasons vogue is all about the hair…
Personally I think it’s progress, anyone who looks like they have Irish hair, and who isn’t Irish shouldn’t be allowed to run a Nation with an army equipped with anything sharper than spoons. And I’m not talking desert spoons either, I’m talking teaspoons just for good measure!
Too many lunatics in the world and even more bad hair cuts in the public domain.
*15 – The news :
This my penultimate and almost serious item is one of the modern era’s most perplexing concerns, well, it is to me anyway.
I used to like reading the news, watching it, keeping up to date about our fellow mans endeavours across the globe, scientific advancements and all manner of disasters wreaking havoc across the globe only to discover that firstly, the News, Editors, Journalists and mainstream media outlets have become nothing short of personal gossip columns who’s staff have free reign to print pretty much anything and call it news.
Front page, usually an assortment of mixed tragedy, and inevitable some of the actual news it can be bothered to cover, and then we open her up…
I married my Horse, Page 2.
Page 3 isn’t even page three in most daily British tabloids anymore so the only chance you now see tits in the papers is when Boris Johnson or Jeremy Clarkson hit the headlines.
This years Big Brother Contestants, pages 4 – 6.
Your star signs, two page spread.
Possibly a section on Feng Shoes, fashion and the readers dreary lives droning on about how their cucumbers don’t conform to new EU legislation.
Agony Aunt and some recipes detailing how to make vegetarian snowmen with couscous and a few gardening / DIY articles or adverts.
Center page sport section maybe, ok, if you’re into sport then I suppose YOU can call this news. But it isn’t.
Jobs you don’t want, or ones which appeal to 0.1% of the population, in DUBAI
Then classifieds, and of course, more sport.
So, with this abundance of information, we can all sleep soundly at night.
Having been abroad for a number of years I always used to scour through Yahoo for their news feed, at best no worse than many others and handy because I always want to know how Astrology and Reality TV seems to be more relevant than anything else in the development of the species as a whole.
The weather, equally important in the UK should just have a ‘Probably sh*te’ graphic permanently showing a broken windswept umbrella with a family’s weekend plans in tatters. But alas, no more.
A story the other day where some fat bird beat back body shamers was proudly high in the ‘News’ feed, some bullsh*t celebrity gossip, another incident featuring an MP exposed for being a twat, as well as other stuff which quite frankly wouldn’t constitute itself as ‘News’ even to the people it featured peppered the headlines.
That cuckoo from North Korea seems to be in the news a lot too, always in whenever Kim Kardasians arse isn’t so maybe someone needs to see if there’s a connection we don’t know about, and more recently Donald Fart, next president elect of the YOU HESS AY..
Obviously if he does get it, this should no doubt shake the world briefly before it’s impending doom. Comedians, satirists and Political cartoonists from here to Mars will be thinking they’ve won the lottery, and then the END.
Enjoy it while we can, unless your Mexican, you’re first on the list.
So, this body shaming thing I keep seeing people crying over. WTF… How does it work, fat bird posts pictures online with her wobbly bits hanging out, someone comments on it and it’s now NEWS.
At best, it’s pathetic, forget the subject matter, the topic or the Political correctness of the whole damned thing, but what it isn’t and won’t ever be is NEWS. Sure, it’s not nice to the fatty but we live in a cruel world. I’m exaggerating the story for moral outrage obviously, but we’ve all seen this over and over on social media, news sites and TV.
You can’t even find a good disaster story without having to read about how Sharon lost 15 pounds on a new Weight watchers Full fat No fat hip reducing wonder diet. Then the highlights, the aftershow updates, covered by every other news station of course, and then delivered to your door first thing the next day.
I could go on but I won’t, I feel a separate rant gaining momentum.
But seriously, is this just me!? Has the death of News been kept out of the headlines…!?
*16 – Please feel free to add your own where applicable.
Sure, why not, what is life but not a collection of numbers, words, feelings and stories, all awaiting better understanding by those patient enough to invest in what they are surrounded by…