Easter, Deez nuts! How to get ‘balls deep’ into God, so to speak!!!

Greece, May 2016 and it’s that time of year again. You guessed it, an Economic crisis… Ooops, sorry, my bad. Easter.

Hard to tell from the Governments latest shenanigans because it’s almost like they are trying to sabotage every event for their own selfish agenda.

On a positive note, I don’t think it will be long before the next Election raises it’s ugly head. Just a guess but it’s been quite a few months before the smell of campaign money was being burnt in the streets and judging by the lack of viable options, ideas or common sense in Parliament, it’s only fair we allow another bunch of Economically blind, intellectually retarded morons a chance at running the Country for at least a few months anyway.

So, back to Easter…

This year I thought I’d embrace my new found faith and take religion to the Source.

So, last Thursday I kidnapped the local Orthodox Priest, made a D.I.Y cross from an IKEA shelving unit and nailed him to it on the balcony.

Shows how hypocritical the church are, you’d have thought he’d be grateful but will he shut up moaning… Hasn’t stopped whimpering since he went up and is showing no signs of ending it any time soon either.

Personally I’d have thought the neighbours would have been friendlier as well. Not one ‘Happy Easter’ from anyone and they look at me like I’m the devil.

Hey, it’s not my Religion, I didn’t make the rules!!!

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t it seems.

On a sidenote, who started dressing as Darth Vader first, Darth Vader or Greek Orthodox Priests? – I’d love to know.

Today I decided to incorporate a few additional features into the whole setup to add a practical element and to also try to emphasise my dedicated commitment to the cause.

Where I had previously built a makeshift tripod to support the cross, I replaced this with a single wall mounted pivot allowing for a ‘wheel of fortune’ effect, I then made a ring which surrounds it to incorporate the 12 movements, disciples, hours of the day, carebears… ( I just know 12 is important, give me a break, It’s not like I’m running for Pope!).

And, to bring it up to date I decided to place 12 boxes on a table to give it a ‘deal or no deal’ sense of mystery. Looks great.

Not that the Priest is happy with the whole set up, he’s still rocking slowly between the 3 and 4.

I thought it’d also be good to have the option of having a blind folded knife thrower and a sexy assistant in a skimpy outfit to spin the wheel as the church has always been big on outfits and ceremony and yet never thought to bring the outfits into the modern era.

Gold, red and purple makes for an ideal Princess Leia outfit by any stretch of the imagination and for those seeking to keep the whole Sunday Mass feel to it, we can have this hidden cheekily under a Nun’s habit.

Hell yeah… Nun’s rock and almost lead you to Sin on principle.

Who knew… !?

So, when he shuts up moaning, I figured we’d break bread, have a few bottles of wine and celebrate Easter properly.

Obviously, I haven’t got a cave for him to reincarnate himself from, not sure if there are all that many in Athens to be fair so I was thinking of stuffing him in the Utility room when he’s done.

Plus, I’m not sure how long it’ll be before he tries the whole ‘reincarnation’ thing either, (another reason for the Knife thrower turning up), but one way or another he knows he’s got a job to do.

So the Utility room. It’s like Pandora’s Box.  If anyone can get out of there safely then I myself will proclaim it as a Miracle anyway. I went in to look for a light bulb last week and was gone for two days.

Came out and there were people I didn’t know living in my house! WTF…

Turns out I was in the wrong house.

You can imagine the embarrassment. Police saw the funny side though. We exchanged social profiles on facebook and then the Restraining Order arrived, which was nice.

Anyway, I thought to invite them over the weekend but when I went round the ‘for Sale‘ sign was up and the house looked empty. Strange, they never mentioned moving, but there you go. Some people are just weird.

Easter. Here in Greece its bigger than God, or the Beatles, or something anyway. It’s popular to say the least.

Still not sure what the Donkeys for!?

If you’ve ever seen the film ‘Bachelor Party’, you’ll understand where my mind has wandered to, if not, be thankful… Still haunts me to this day.

So. Religion. What’s it all about?

Do we know?

2000+ years and all I’m seeing is a fusty old book and a load of old men in dresses telling me I’LL go to hell if I don’t go to Church…

Hardly a winning argument or inspired visual encouragement if you think about it.

So, we have this Dude brought to us by three wise angels, who can turn fish and bread into more fish and bread and a load of his friends write a sort of ‘social journal’ which then becomes ‘The Gossip’ according to whoever wrote it, and before you know it, Bob’s your Uncle and you’re the new Messiah….

Thousands of years of wasting non believers and telling us Science is to be dismissed because in 7 days, 8 if it’s a leap year, another Dude called God created everything in his own image…

OK, I’m good with this. A bit vague, no proof and ‘everything in his own image’… Hmmm, at least the Guy’s got a sense of humour!

Technically then, if I get 12 people to post status updates and work out how to blend a couple of loaves and a portion of Cod and Chips into small enough portions and hand these out to the poor, homeless and destitute people who have nothing and who sleep on the streets, opposite the vast Gold hoarding Churches of the World, I’ll be the new Messiah will I!?


Apart from the getting nailed bit. And the crown of thorns (if I’m totally honest), but otherwise it’s surely an option worth exploring in a world where vacuous self made celebrity is core to our survival.

Since Kanye West has taken to pimping out Kim Kardasian to social media, no one actually knows if she’s a tart or not so I figured she’s the ideal woman to play the role of Mary Magdalene and that Lady Gaga anomaly clearly fancies herself as the new Virgin Mary so it appears we have an all star cast ready and waiting.

Local Mass was great!
Join the Church, sacrifice non believers and Plank like a God!!!

I always think that Religion was a required option at a time when people were evolving and needed to help people decipher right from wrong at a time when there was very little understanding or opportunity to do anything else other than survive by any means you could.

Sure, if you’re about to be hit by a truck, you’re going to pray to all the Gods in the hope that one may answer your plea, but in all fairness, you’ll be lucky if any turn up at the funeral.

There’s probably more chance of the truck driver turning up than ‘God’, but still, we still cling to this hope when things are dire.

Also and bizarrely, during sex.

What’s that about?

How did calling out for ‘God’ become part of the divine and sensual act of enjoying the physical part of ourselves with another, (or even ones self for some)…

I can only assume this came from the Church itself way back when. After all they were the ones striking fear into the populace throughout history were they not.

‘Though shall not covet thy neighbours wife’ – Unless of course you scream ‘GOD’ when you climax and apologise to the big man upstairs afterwards, then it’s perfectly fine.

The husband/wife can then beat or murder you when they find out and as long as we get a few quid in the tin, you in the confessional, we’re good.

Otherwise, carry on…

Incidentally, this next paragraph may give you nightmares but it almost makes more sense if you were to call out your mothers name as she brought you into this world… (I did warn you).

I suppose it’s down to the person, their disposition, their upbringing and their dedication to the orgasm really.

I’d say I’m an Atheist, Agnostic (whatever social media’s current politically correct term for ‘not that crazy’ is), and still maybe because of my religious background as a child have still found myself believing at times!!!

How does a person raised without any interference from Religion behave. Do they call out for the Honey monster during coitus!? I think we need to know the answer to this and many other queries concerning the power of Religion in our lives!?

As for other Religions, how do they tackle this conundrum. Without wishing to offend the other denominations, I can’t imagine Muslims calling out ‘Mohammed‘ at peak times, and if so, not expecting to be beheaded shortly before their extremist other half pulls the rip-chord, blows themselves up and then ends up in paradise only to have to plough their way through 72 virgins all shouting out his name too!!!

What a predicament… Blows more than just the mind if you think about it!

But ‘God’, move over, please.

You have had more of your day, longer and still do, and here in Greece especially it’s hard to not find a Day when you aren’t trying to steal the spotlight.

We’re in the middle of a horrific never ending crisis which is reducing all your followers, and others (equally important from your damn book’s own words), and yet you have the nerve to expect us to carry on your traditions when so many people the world over are suffering daily and whereby you do what…!?

Thankfully, the Pope’s doing his bit too from what I hear, only recently he appeared in Greece, kidnapped a bunch of Syrians to brain wash them before they are fattened up for the ritual sacrifices that the Vatican is well known for.

Sure, it’s possible I’m maybe confusing this with something I saw in a film, but all those Priests in one place… Makes you shudder at just the thought.

Let’s face it, as far as track records go, between them and the BBC, you wouldn’t really want to have to choose between who were to look after your kids would you!?

It’s like introducing Rolf Harris or Jimmy Saville as the new baby sitter. “Kids, come and say hello to your new playmate…” Ewww.

So, greatest and divine spirit in the sky, please take your time and use as many words as you like to creatively and majestically remind us of your feats in the comments section below…

If there is a God, or many, you’d sort this sh*t out or at least help those here trying.

Secondly, if you can’t even manage that, at least take back some of the no brained losers ruining the Country Politically while we all can then look to restore our faith in you, ourselves and each other.

For the Religious readers of my blog, you may also like the following posts :




'I believe in bullets'
Helping religion, one day at a time!

PS. In your own time, 2000+ years, there’s no rush, really…


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