The Official A – Z of love and matters of the heart.

The Official A – Z of love.

1 – Introduction.
2 – Summary.

A – Aardvark.
B – Booty.
C – Contract.
D – Do stuff.
E – Elephant in the Room.
F – Fourplay.
G – Garden / Guns
H – Habits.
I – Initiative.
J – July.
K – Kisses
L – Legally binding.
M – Mon Amour.
N – No Excuses.
O – Oops I did it again.
P – Passion.
Q – Question Everything.
R – Romance.
S – Sextoys.
T – Trust or Private Detective?
U – Understanding.
V – Vajazzle.
W – Work.
X – How to deal with being Dumped.
Y – Yeti.
Z – Zzzzz, bedtime.

3 – Conclusion.

1 – Introduction :

We all aspire to falling in love, the fairytale dream, the beautiful Princess capturing the adoring gaze of the handsome Prince, the sparkle in their eyes, the sweet innocence to a gaze intent of desire, a chemistry electrifying the very thoughts they share, shortly before the dragon eats him or he f*cks her best friend.

Happily ever after, the End.

10 litre Triple chocolate Haagen Daas and roll the credits.

Of course, they don’t mention this in the nursery tales but we all know what’s really going on if you read between the lines.

Little Bo Peep, Mary had a little lamb, Hunpty Dumpty, all candidates for heartbreak, drug addiction and a life of repressed sexual energy spent watching Jermy Kyle and thinking to yourself “if that bucktoothed red neck hillbilly can find love, then why can’t I”?

Well, to be fair, they probably set the bar pretty low to start with so don’t worry about it. Everything will be alright.

All the films, the books and the quasi-real soap operas society inflicts on us do nothing to help either, painting unrealistic expectations on us all in the hope that we meet our Mr or Ms ‘perfect’. They don’t exist.

Pretty woman, You’ve got mail, The Godfather and Debbie does Dallas to name but a few, and we’re still no nearer to unlocking the secrets to finding love.

For years I wanted to hunt down Hugh Grant for destroying men in the eyes of women the world over, remember in the 90’s, that f*cker was everywhere. Having travelled about since and met a few women of the ‘world’ it’s amazing to see how many people expect you to have floppy hair, a slight stutter and be a complete twat if your British.

Thankfully his reign of terror came to an end and the real people within each of ourselves can be free once more. I suppose for women it’s not quite so bad as unless there is that all ‘fatal’ female hatred of a woman you just can’t stand, you’ll always like the shoes or their make up or some liberated ideal to which the writers, directors and the rest of the crew force into a very ‘real’ and ‘liberated’ womanly image to feature in ‘Cosmopolitain’ or any of the other Magazines to which they churn out stereo typical archetypes.

I love it but the same happens to us all regardless of gender.

Boy meets girl, girl meets different boy and boy boy fall in love. It’s the world we live in, no fairytale, no illusion, it’s life.

More often than not there’s just some fat bird munching her way through another cheese pie, sat with a lipstick smothered frog wondering what the hell went wrong and yet no one spares a thought for the poor frog apart from Sir David Attenborough!

Elsewhere, there’s a probably a small Romantic in all of us, if you’re lucky, there’s possibly one in you right now, and if you’re even luckier, not that small either.

Us men, most just aspire to be seen as the Romantic type. For many, buying the ‘missus’ a new Hoover, treating her to a fish supper and a pint at the local equates to “where for art thou woman” and many aren’t even that lucky!

For the rest of us it’s minefield of incomprehensible random madness, daddy issues and PMT. Just joking, it’s rarely random!

Not that women have it any easier. I’m a guy so I’m biased and the inner lesbian in me can’t even try to explain the many flaws that men, unlike myself share.

I happen to be one of the few men with little or no flaws so I’m told, by my mum, my psychotherapist, her psychotherapist, the care workers and that guy in the mirror.

Meanwhile, sex, a sandwich and power tools and most men are happy, put them all together in the same day and he’s not going anywhere fast. Make him feel like he actually does know what the hell your thinking about once in a while and you’ve got a ‘lifer’.

Increase the amount of sex and OR food, and the results improve substantially. Power tools by now are quite likely irrelevant at this stage but make sure he has them in supply for when the fridge is a little less well stocked or it’s that time of the month. You know, the one where you go crazy!?

Hardly a fair analogy I know, but after all that we go through, I think you’ll agree that the term FAIR died a long time ago, plus you shouldn’t allow the fridge to become so barren…Have a word with yourself! Are we living in the dark ages woman? – LOL

*Feminist hate mail to the following email address :

giveash*t@spankmymonkey.com

It’s obviously a playful tease as not all women suffer once a month, some never change for the better/worse (you decide as applicable) and subsequently are crazy or f*cked up as the ‘norm’.

For many though, we men are to blame. I say we, but it’s quite likely to be that idiot father of yours! Quite probably indirectly too, if we really look into the problem.

It most likely started when your mother opened her legs and fell victim herself and this hereditary lapse in judgment can be traced all the way back to Adam and that snake of his.

I’m sure studies have been made on the subject, thesis’ written and the results will long be debated over by Scholars and Academics alike as they all fight to justify their own existence. Oh yes, the ‘Bible’.

I prefer the other book, Romeo and Julian, (see what I did there) Politically Insane world we live in these days and it wouldn’t be long before some jumped up do-gooder would probably try and certify me as a neo fascist for not including same-sex or alternative lifestyles into the equation.

Plus, just think of all the Hollywood rehashes they could churn out instead of having to risk any new ideas, again.

Spiderman, Amazing Spiderman, Slightly Camp Spiderman, Spiderman and Batman do Vegas, you get the jist…The potential is huge, well, within the confines of a ‘niche’ gay super hero loving community at least!

I’m not suggesting that you have to be ‘gay’ to enjoy a good homo-erotic superhero film either, but it probably would help.

Let’s face it, we’re all the product of things we fail to understand, and quite probably broken in our own unique and highly loveable way. (My excuse).

Obviously this doesn’t apply to all. Some of us are just inherently broken from the beginning, usually because of another woman to be honest so be careful in blaming the ‘man’ for his flaws as you women so readily do, it’s probably not his fault as some bitch already beat you to him and ruined him well before you lured him into the trap!!! – Joke!

We’re f*cking idiots from birth. Some never change, some you can’t change and some you wish you could change well before their warranty is up.

In the US it’s seems common practice to shoot your betrothed in the head when they become tiresome. Sometimes before they even become tiresome, not sure what the etiquette is but it does seem to be quite popular.

Personally I think this approach is a little extreme, but in a Nation with that many lunatics at home with weapons ranging from handguns to holster mounted mini-Nuclear grenade launchers, it’s hard to imagine that so many people could all be wrong, surely!?

Beauty, thankfully is indeed in the eye of the beholder and so love is something we all want, hope or have lost at some point in our lives and is at least something we all can truly wish for.

If you don’t believe me I say this : Donald Trump, yes. Even that f*cker managed to reproduce so do have hope. Unless it turns out that he’s the result of a lab experiment, (which I sincerely hope so), there’s more than hope for us all.

For those lucky enough not to have lost their love, then it’s your contribution to helping others who hope to share what you have which allows people like myself and the millions the world over to seek beyond ourselves and to similarly one day ensnare, sedate and capture someone precious ourselves.

Hopefully this guide will go a long way in enlightening yourself to the intricate world of Love.

2 – Summary :

If you’re like me, (get help), and secondly you’ll be keen to know that Romance isn’t dead!

Sure, it’s probably metaphorically on a life support machine, is deaf and dumb and it’s blind ass is ignorant to any of our desires, but at least it can’t get away from us very easily.

To help you, me and ‘yo mama’ find love, I painstakingly compiled this definitive guide to LOVE.

If you can’t find love after reading this comprehensive and detailed guide, then check between the cushions on the sofa and behind the fridge. I often surprise myself with what ends up there.

A – Aardvark.

No A – Z in life should ever start without an Aardvark. Love is no different. On the first day when God was preparing to create our world, well before the Moon and the Sky bullsh*t, he wrote an A – Z to make sure he wouldn’t forget all he needed to create once he’d rolled his sleeves up.

In all fairness it’s probably also fair to assume that he was actually handed a list by a rather disgruntled member of the opposite sex who knew how f*cking absent minded he was. Probing deeper, proof of this can be found with Mars, the Moon and a few other Planets scattered about.

When he chose to do things on his own, he ended up with just a big rock in space. It’s obvious why when you think about it but don’t just take my word for it I didn’t create Science…

B – Booty.

Self explanatory really.

Men : Worship the booty.
Women : Work that booty.

C – Contract.

Now in the event of things going wrong, a good Hitman is hard to find, and expensive and whereby many people naively confuse the wedding as a sacred ‘contract’ between two people, be advised that some people also interpret this differently.

In essence it can simply come down to the cost. A good lawyer, divorce settlement and ongoing payments, or a single shot to the head.

Obviously, ‘assisted’ suicides, ‘accidents’ and other ‘mishaps’ can also be adapted to suit an experienced Hitman but this will no doubt cost extra.

It might seem brutal considering these options so early on but take a leaf out of Yoko Ono’s book and you’ll soon realise that if John Lennon wasn’t safe, then how safe will you be…

D – Do stuff.

For love to succeed, you both need to do stuff. Doing it on your own, with each other and with others (within reason, obviously).

Many relationships break down when people fail to spend ‘quality’ time together.

Dragging your wife to stand for hours in the rain while you stuff your fat drunken pie-munching face screaming abuse at 22 men kicking a ball around is not ‘quality time’, and likewise, dragging your man from shop to shop buying things HE knows you’ll never wear more than once, if at all isn’t going to endear him to you, your wardrobe or wanting to spend more time together. We know this happens anyway, we just don’t want to become accomplices to the act.

E – Elephant in the Room.

Not sure how you managed to get an Elephant in the room but it won’t help any relationship, so unless you built the home around it or accidentally installed an ‘Elephantflap’ instead of a ‘Catflap’, then it’s maybe time to rehouse the Elephant.

F – Fourplay.

Love the mind and the body will follow. An integral part of a healthy relationship is the sensuality and intimacy shared between the love and feeling of two people and their desires prior to anything which may follow. This is vital to the longevity of any relationship and something which required regular attention if you are to keep the man/woman of your dreams.

Duct tape, chloroform, each to their own. Some methods work better than others and therefore trial and error is often born of experience. Sometimes an intimate touch is enough, a kiss here, a pleasure discovered whilst enjoying your partners body.

Capturing the mood, timing and knowing your partner can all help lead to wild and treasured experiences but be gentle, loving and don’t fart and kill the mood, at least if possible.

G – Garden / Guns.

For the rest of the free world I feel it’s important to have an area where we can find peace, a garden, a balcony if possible or somewhere that we can feel the world slip from our minds, a little nature, maybe something to reflect a different time or place in our lives and somewhere where we can be free of our troubles, even if only briefly.

If you live in America, then guns. Probably lots of guns. Same reasons, feeling at peace and of course you can carry these with you wherever you go, stash them in the car, in each room and anywhere else where you need to find sanctity in your thoughts.

H – Habits.

Habits are BAD full stop. Hence the term ‘bad habit’, except for the humble and yet equally sexy ’nuns habit’. So, get her one of these and game on…

I – Initiative.

Working out what women want is like trying to make a black hole with the indredients you have in the fridge, and then trying to understand which particular ingredient made it fail.

It just can’t be done. Working it out that is. I don’t know what you keep in your fridge so it’s wrong to assume that you might succeed where I failed.

Despite them being adorable, sweet juicy cauldrons of hormonal imbalance, emotional psychosis lovingly wired together by Margaret Thatcher, it’s not easy knowing how and what you’re woman wishes of her man.

Obviously ladies, (I appreciate that the word ‘cauldron’ was used when other more suitable options are available, but it’s just felt right) so please don’t get all ‘how dare he’ if you please. I got sh*t to do.

Likewise, giving your man a clue every now and again goes a long way as having ‘a’ clue and having ‘no’ clue often equally equate to one and the same thing.

We are simple creatures, some would just say ‘simple’ suffices, and yet here we are, alone in the world, no handbook, no guide and no internet support with each individually unique specimen we encounter.

Doing ‘something’ would normally result in being better than doing ‘nothing’ but we never know. A myriad of options available to us all and yet most men are either too stupid or too ignorant to see the wood for the trees, and more than likely to be looking at the wrong ‘wood’…

If one, nor the other acts, then someone else will so it’s imperative that both parties try to pre-empt each other into moving forward where possible.

Taking the initiative isn’t about waiting for an argument to then work out you have issues, this much I do now know… Θ)

J – July.

Highly relevant for myself anyway, it’s my birthday and now you know. You’re welcome.

This to me suggests cake, birthday suit, carnal passion for at least a week, and not necessarily in that order either, all I’m saying. Depending on the best before date status of the cake, this may require some detail, but the cake’s not a defining point, by any stretch of the imagination.

I don’t really expect you to jump out of the cake either, cakes aren’t cheap and even buying all the ingredients and baking one big enough yourself isn’t really a practical solution either, let alone transporting it and then somehow being able to get into it before you lept out, well, it’s a logistical nightmare to say the least.

The point is, enjoy each other and why not use the day as an excuse to lavish each other with love. It doesn’t have to be on my birthday either. I’d recommend doing it on one relevant to yourselves. Not that it wouldn’t be nice to know that people all over the world are celebrating my birthday with their own deviant sexual needs, but I suspect one or the other might have something to say about the matter.

K – Kisses.

Equally as important for the success or failure of a strong relationship. Kisses, and lots of them, all over, under and in between.

And be passionate, it’s supposed to be your lover and not your nan your kissing.

Sure there’s a time and a place for outrageous displays of love, but when you’re truly in love, anytime should be a time for such things.

Except funerals. Even the most liberated family will turn their noses up at you if you start making out during someone’s funeral.

To avoid such conservative and yet prudish snobbery, I recommend going to someone you don’t knows funeral because most people will be too grief stricken and upset to comment, allowing anything from mild foreplay to discreet sex before they call the Police.

Take a wreathe and say a few nice words on your way out and most people won’t mind, some may even enjoy the distraction you provided…

L – Legally binding.

Whatever he or she says, get it signed, witnessed and locked in a safe. First argument you have and before you know it eveythings changed.

We’ve all been there.

Her – “I said put it in the oven at Gas mark 6 for twenty minutes”.

Him – “No you didn’t, you said grill it on both sides and make sure you take the cat out for a walk”.

Happens all too often. Be warned. But failing that, treat it as though it were, give it the same serious attention it, you and he/she deserve and hopefully you will avoid the legal issues in the future.

M – Mon Amour.

Learn each others cultures, history and family heritage. I’m not talking so that at some point in the future she hauls you up on Mastermind to answer questions on ‘her’ as your chosen subject, but integrate, embrace the differences, small and large if any between you.

If she’s a Muslim and you’re a Buddhist then don’t appear first thing in the morning with a bacon sandwich and try to explain how your great granddad always wanted to be eaten by a beautiful woman.

She won’t be impressed.

I angle the reasoning towards the men here as most women seem to be a little more compassionate in identifying subtle differences like this beforehand, whereas most men waking up with a hunger after a night out will only wake up to focus on a naked woman and not much else.

N – No Excuses.

We’re all supposed to be adults aren’t we, so shall we act like it for a change?

We are all very aware of what we do, what we say and what we are capable of, so lets assume that with this responsibility, it’s not only right and fair, and essentially the most natural thing to do, so lets take control of our actions, our reasoning and our deeds, both good and bad.

We f*ck up in life, it’s how we progress through it but can we all not try and pretend we didn’t know better.

“I didn’t meant to hurt you”, “it was an accident”, yada yada…

No. You did know, you still did it, and you did know that by doing it, YOU’D f*cking hurt me…

Apology, forgiveness or (as covered previously), Hitman or Lawyer.

O – Oops I did it again.

Saying sorry, similar to the last point but ideally just in light of the little things we all do without deliberately causing stress, anxiety, worry or problems to our ‘better’ half.

It might not change anything but it’s nice to at least assure them that we have a heart, an awareness and a brain.

Otherwise, see ‘N’

P – Passion.

Love/ Lust, both, together, on their own, however they come, seize the day.

Passion is and should be high on anyone’s self respective list. Even if it’s not entirely sexual or grounded in the body beautiful, passion needs to burn bright.

You need to share and encourage each others passions, stoke that fire and to hell with burning the house down. We never know what and how life will shape up so it’s important to take what comes from each moment, person or experience as for us all, they will change and maybe never come again.

If you can share a common ground between your passions, even just a few, then ultimately this will aid you in your quest for a long and healthy love life but it needn’t always be the case for everyone.

People have different needs and so all seek their own comfort in what they long for and live with, but if you’re not wildly and madly in love because you love each other, you’re missing out.

Q – Question Everything.

Big Brother, Skynet, iPhones, the NSA, Donald Trumps hair, question it all.

Seriously, question everything and take nothing for granted. Complacency is the route of all things falling from our grasp.

Look for it, into it and try and understand what it is, what it seeks and what makes it happy, and if it still seems to be too good to be true. Shoot it a few times and drive a Petrol Tanker over it because it worked against Arnie in Terminator.

Come the revolution, you WILL thank me.

R – Romance.

Romance, does anyone know what romance actually is?

If you’re sat reading this, and single then in all fairness, even if you did, you didn’t do enough of it, so no amount of knowing what it is you think you know helped you in the past did it?

I’m no different. I have cats who love me emphatically because they know I’m Romantic and yet the woman of my dreams who has yet to appear before me in her physical form can’t accept my ideas as being anything other than just words.

Join the club. But really. It’s not rocket science, is it. Or is it?

A Moonlight stroll, candle lit dinner and sending her a card on Valentines day might suffice if you want to appear as the most loving casanova to have ever climbed out from a cliché, but real romance is an altogether different beast.

It requires imagination, sometimes planning, lots of perseverance and dedication to the cause because once you open that door there’s no turning back.

It’s like an itch that will always need to be scratched and you can’t let it go.

If you’re a true Romantic, you can’t imagine it any other way. Your mind plays tricks on you and leaves you dangling between a surreal reality and mild fictional novel while you live in the constant hope of the look in their eyes imparting the love within, and yet terrified of becoming stale in your desires, hoping they never grow bored or tired of your efforts.

For women I think it’s safe to say that it’s widely accepted that whilst we understand that you covet such affectionate effort, it’s not a necessity to labour over your man in the same way.

We men as a rule have little or limited expectations when it comes to receiving Romantic gestures ourselves and some can almost feel un-manly in their receipt of such gestures.

I myself once received some flowers from a  girlfriend in the past and only assumed that another guy had given them to her just before I opened the door, and so any mood expected was ruined anyway because why or what I needed flowers for was beyond me at the time, as much as it still is.

Put simply, you love to be spoiled, and we love spoiling you. Amen…

S – Sextoys.

So, it’s more than acceptable to assume that throughout the life of a young, healthy virile woman that she may have acquired or come to use certain items to ‘help’ assist those lonely nights. This is her prerogative and essentially something used to pleasure herself when and if required.

These are HER toys. Not yours, and not only something she uses, but to which her health, sanity and cleanliness are attuned to. Something that she will introduce if she feels comfortable and she knows you’re not likely to stuff them up your own arse the minute any come out to play.

Equally and probably even more importantly is the fact that men need to understand that any accumulated sex toys, items or leftovers from previous relationships are not really going to be, lets politely say ‘suitable’ for further use and should be thrown out at the first available opportunity.

(Personally I recommend recharging them and placing them on the desk of any Inland revenue/Tax Office or MP’s desk when possible).

If I have to spell out the specifics or reasons why, then you have lot more understanding of women to master ‘young grasshopper’, and I wouldn’t worry about sextoys for quite some time. And by the way, I’m talking about the reasons why you need to dump the old sextoys, not putting them on someone desk as just covered, like really!?

Needless to say, only a ‘special’ kind of woman is going to want old ‘Getrudes’ twin cylinder, 4 speed Rabbit to play with, no matter how many times you’ve told her you never really used it!!!

Further more, do you really want to risk THAT conversation coming up whilst already set for a wild night of passion!?

Not ever.

Handcuffs, not so bad, UPC tape etc, blindfolds, tickling stick, rubber chicken, no, if you have a rubber chicken and don’t have a Dog, throw that NOW!

Even owning a dog might not help if it’s anywhere other than with the dog.

This next stage of a relationship needs to feel like a new intimacy and a shared one, sacred to you both, not buy giving anyone nightmares about where and who the rubber chicken’s been in…

T – Trust or Private Detective?

Trust. Anything less and there is nothing.

It’s not easy, we don’t end up looking for love without being hurt, unless it’s your first love and pretty much you know nothing anyway, so it’s all an experience. But as age and wisdom kicks in, hard as it may be, for true love to flourish there is no substitute and no way you will stay in love for long without it.

U – Understanding.

Women, understand your man. It’s easy. We’re like your very own ‘Spank the Monkey’.

Men, there is no understanding of these mysterious creatures. Nod, say yes when they talk to you and try to do everything they say and ask, no matter how absurd and it just might help, today, right then, but you’ll never know anyway.

Just do right by them, for them and to them.

V – Vajazzle.

If you even know what this word is, you’re already on shaky ground…

Men and women alike, and don’t try and make out you just came across the word and don’t know, please…

W – Work.

Till we murder all the Politicians and breathe life into the new revolution, we sadly have to do this sh*t till we die, win the lottery, or pretend we’re someone else and get away with it till they run out of money and we find another ‘willing’ victim.

Balance, stages of our lives require different things more than others, most stages require work though as an end to a means.

X – How to deal with being Dumped.

Plenty of fish in the Sea, sharks, stingrays, poisonous snakes and crabs that will chop your toes off. I’d like to say it’s easier but it isn’t. Live your life, try not to look back and take a deep breath.

Time. It’s sucks, but it takes time. Alcohol sometimes, and occasionally ‘legal’ drugs…

But what shall be, shall be. I know it won’t feel like it at the time, but chances are it’ll be the best thing to have ever happened to you because something else will come as a result of it failing and you’ll be glad of the experiences and the lesson it taught you to get there.

In reality, it still sucks. Always will.

Y – Yeti.

Well, it’s obvious isn’t it…

There was a story not long back where a woman in America (yeah, who knew), married her dog. In light of this I didn’t want to not include a special mention to the humble Yeti/Bigfoot.

If these do exists and they must because there’s enough of them on the internet, it’s only fair to include their rights, feelings and emotions to be able to share and enjoy the same intimacies, hopes and dreams as the rest of us.

If in the last 5 years we have openly embraced same sex marriages etc, what’s to stop Male/Yeti – Female/Yeti unions in the future.

What about the Lockness Monster I hear you ask?

Like D’Uh. Don’t be stupid.

Nessie is an aquatic species and wouldn’t be able to survive onland equally as much as man/woman couldn’t live underwater.

I appreciate that they could be blessed at the beach and maybe whilst one partie were to be aboard a boat, but the long term potential seems limited at best.

Z – Zzzzz, bedtime.

The Romantic in me would never let an arguement end in the bed or before you slept, always resolving your differences and allowing you to both start the day afresh.

The cynic in me would happily say anything for them to shut up nagging…

3 – Conclusion :

I’m not sure who said it first, but it’s a sentiment which rightfully and wrongly stood out the very first time I ever heard it :

“It’s better to have loved and lost, than to have spent your life wanking”…

About Simon Rawicz

Hmmm, It is about me I suppose... Work hard die young seems to be the motto life's going to write on my coffin well before we agree on terms and conditions. I'm a 2D/3D Artist/Designer and Multi-media specialist by trade, I play guitar and write songs when I'm not wanting to vent my anger out on the system. If I occasionally do get time to do anything else I'd like to know about it... Meanwhile to free my mind of the many demons that stalk me, I write stuff, your reading it so I don't need to tell you any more than that surely...!
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