It’s been a very long hard week. 8 years of misery and none the wiser. One more week of complication, doubt and endless worry for no reason too only to find out the illusion never ends.
The shock of what happened when I first came to Greece still cuts deep, it affected my health, my sanity and my trust in not just people but the state, the ‘system’ and the people who so readily abuse it.
The corruption and the ongoing fight to expose the criminal scum who for over a decade profited at the expense of those they pretended to help never seemed to end, their lies, threats and parasitic behaviour in trying to falsify a truth from their lies ate away at me and those who stood up to them and the fact that we achieved our goal, stood proud and did the right thing still weighs heavy.
This week is the ‘anniversary’ of me being here 8 years, when once full of hope and inspiration, I now sit worn, tired and sick of the low life parasites who feel it their right to abuse those who attempt to do the right thing.
My desire to have some inner peace at some point in my life prevented me from exacting my own revenge, something that on a day may run tired of restraint.
For years I fantasized about the many ways to dispose of such parasites and whilst being highly creative, fantasized about many of my own. These dreams still linger like happy thoughts, caressed into sight by the foolish thought that I’d be free for once of the misery I held back to allow them to still breathe.
Sometimes you spend so much time burying your demons so deep I can only assume I’m on the flipside of hell, looking up at them, trapped and destined to forever torment them, as they now torment me.
Raped by the damned and left to live out the night knowing that the day will never end.
You try to do the right thing and can’t always, you try to do what people hope you to be able to do but they don’t let you, and so you hope to do what you can when you’re denied the ability to do anything and it’s still never enough.
Sleep sometimes is the only place I am free of them. Death being the only other choice available, one I longed for these years.
A darkness so tainted would never leave, beckoning me forth into its midst, wishing me clear of mind and soul.
I resisted, time and time again only to question the purpose, family, friends and my dear cats keeping me strong, often blind to the hatred and pain tearing me apart inside.
Those who helped tried where many knew not as the spectacle played itself out, week after week, year after year.
The charade ran on, the circus grew large and the effort to keep focused ravaged me and those close.
Somewhere within burnt a fire forged from those who raised me to be better than those I fought, the crippling cost eased by the slow satisfaction of the truth being set free and yet no solace ever came, no peace helped shed the weight nor did the shackles fall away.
Then came the hurt, the loss to all I knew, what I had and what I hoped for and the pieces of my spirit ripped apart long to heal.
When that is taken from you, life eats away at you, slowly like the seconds on the clock, echoing out in the night as you lie awaiting the dawn.
If you could just rest, be at peace and relax, to in some way hide away the turmoil, the worries and the pain would be some consolation but it never comes.
To have them torture your mind, hour after hour is beyond cruel. Day after day, week after week and so forth pushes you to places feared.
There is no medication to give you back what is lost, there are no words, no feelings to replace or to reaffirm yourself to who you once were and only now when you see beyond where you started, the end flicker into view.
Our mind is capable of much greatness until we lose control of what we thought we knew.
Life evolves, people come and go and so we dance the dance again.
Faith once flowed freely as did a joy I know I had. Unrecognisable now for the scar I have in it’s place but healing slowly with each day, with each moment I try to enjoy a little more, knowing how quickly it may fade.
Enjoy the comfort of the bed while you can, as it either wraps it’s heavenly arms around you or suffocates you as you wrestle with your mind, flitting restlessly from thought to thought.
Inspiration gives us fight, a cause to the effect, as do the people we seek to unite with on the path we chose to walk.
Some days the path is lonely, not a footprint to be seen, other days may come a figure, one we hope share our route.
To each one we chose to hold dear, we leave a piece of ourselves.
Some treasure what we give, others break without due thought.
Where one sweet dream may end, a nightmare may begin…
We all tackle our pain in ways we may not understand, hoping that in whatever way it comes, it comes. Anything as long as it comes.
Two years ago the tunnel finally showed its light, a distant glow drawing near and such despite the rope hanging round my neck, slowly but surely I managed to step free.
Focus shifted and the pain slowly ebbed, just the thoughts still catching me unaware, less and less, but still aware.
Creativity if you have it is like a beacon in the gloom, lighting all before.
You can never control this, never predict when it comes and how long it will last, what triggers it or anything else to drive you from your shadows, but when it comes embrace it, long for it and feel in throughout for it may not come again.
I awoke a while back, but now I can see once more.
2008 – 2016 : Fighting to expose *ACTUP in Greece.
Nearly 20 years of state sponsored abuse, malpractice, theft, bullying and treating people like filth to exploit the HIV/Aids sector and illegally pretend to be Doctors and then persecuting myself and those who stood up to their fucking diabolical tyranny.
*You only still draw breath for I was too weak to do what I should have.