Aliens ‘hijack’ Nasa’s Voyager 2 spacecraft…

Finally… The story I’ve been dreaming of, the changing point in mankind’s perception of the universe, the concept that we are not alone…

Life in outer space!

“Aliens have hijacked a NASA spacecraft and are using it to try to contact earth, a UFO expert has claimed.”

And that sadly is where the story then goes tits up!

A UFO expert…

Say no more. I could be a UFO expert, but then so could you. In fact I have decided that I am one now anyway… So, is there a college you can enrol in to become a UFO expert, a Diploma you can take, an apprenticeship you can take? After passing all five stars at McDonald’s, do they promote you to UFO expert…?

No!

What were left with is probably an individual who has probably watched too many X-files shows, owns his own re-mastered digitally enhanced Star Wars collection on DVD, and Video, and who enjoys taking trips to all the latest Sci-Fi conventions. He is probably fluent in Klingon and knows that deep down, he knows a lot more about the Roswell incident than anyone else because he’s seen footage on the internet that proves that it like many other incidents was just a big conspiracy…

“Since its launch, Voyager 2 has been sending streams of data back to Earth for study by scientists, but on April 22, 2010, that stream of information suddenly changed.”

Wow, sounds promising so far! Maybe instead of sending back valuable information about the Universe and space, it’s now posting YouTube video’s on NASA’s homepage, tagging them in photographs taken from the Hubble telescope and poking them whenever possible…

“Hartwig Hausdorf, a German academic, believes that the reason Voyager 2, an unmanned probe that has been in space since 1977, is sending strange messages that are confusing scientists, is because it has been taken over by extraterrestrial life.”

Well, does it really take much to confuse scientists…? Clearly with matters involving science and the laws of physics and probability they are probably difficult to sway, however with common sense and rationality I wouldn’t have thought much would be able to have them all stood around scratching their heads.

Ask a scientist for the time of day though and they will undoubtedly want a hundred and one parameters to subdivide the locality, the conditions in which time and space is relevant and the proximity to your exact whereabouts at the moment in question.

I just want the time f*ckwit. Don’t make me slap you for it…Because I will.

So, on the other hand, there could be a simple explanation!

“NASA claimed that a software problem with the flight data system was the cause but Mr Hausdorf believes it could be the work of aliens.”

I’m with Mr Hausdorf on this one. You see several years ago I had a strange encounter with a copy of Windows 98, whereby for several years my computer had been working fine, till one day unexpectedly and without apparent reason, its stopped working…

My local PC expert claimed that the Hard drive may have failed, maybe the software had become corrupt, maybe I had no power in the building or simply I had unplugged it by accident, maybe I had wiped the drive, maybe I had removed vital components from my PC subconsciously…

Fortunately we discovered the source of the problem. ALIENS…

 

It was clear. The reason why I hadn’t spotted it before was because when they’d travelled the length of the universe to reach mankind and sabotage my PC, they also obviously beamed me up and probably probed me in all manner of sexual ways, clearly for scientific experimentation.

When they had returned me to Earth they had wiped my brain of any memories of the nights events and left without trace. I know it seems hard to believe but its true. How else could I explain my PC not working and my fetish for Galaxy chocolate bars!

Fortunately for me the therapy has helped but I still have lingering doubts as to what happened on that dark night.

It was dark, obviously, the clues in the ‘night’ bit, it may have been sinister as well, I have no recollection of what I may have done to them either. Waking me in the middle of the night can often have painful repercussions for anyone trying to disturb me from my slumber, especially if your from another planet as my ex-wife often found out.

I don’t think that I’d be one of these people who would idly stand staring at the sight of an Alien space craft descending to Earth, nor would I probably be one of these who calmly wanted to make first contact in a civilised manner. I could be wrong who knows, till it happens (again) I won’t know.

Firstly I believe in equal rights to everyone, that includes men women and especially Alien lifeforms.

If I get the choice, anyone seen trying to get into my house would be met with the same brutality as that of a Burglar trying to steal my worldly goods. To be honest, I don’t care where your from. What your reasons, why or how, but I will do all I can to make sure the police never found your body again.

It’s just the way it is. If you’re a Burglar no one knows where your going, when you’ll be back or what to do if you go missing, and I’ll do my damned best to make sure that me and the local Police aren’t wasting unnecessary Tax payers money by trying to justify your sorry ass robbing people for a life. No way.

It does make me think though, one day I really must return to the house i was living in at the time and actually have a look at what’s under that hastily built pond I made that night!

But seriously, Aliens do that sort of thing. Why else would they have travelled all that way to Earth just screw up my PC without their being a deeper meaning… I also further noticed on inspection that I had run out of cigarettes and that all my Monster munch had gone missing during the night as well. The copious bag of weed that was mysteriously in my house was half empty and there wasn’t any chocolate for miles…

Aliens I tell you… They’re everywhere…

So, after further examination of my PC it turns out that I had indeed been visited by Aliens. Not only had they sabotaged my PC and half eaten my munchies, smoked my weed and left the TV on, but they had messed my hair up and stolen my Rizla’s.

That was  the last straw.

Similarly to Mr Hausdorf, I suspect he’s also wondering where his Rizla’s are this morning…

“NASA claimed that a software problem with the flight data system was the cause.”

So who do we believe, a bunch of scientists working for NASA or a self acclaimed UFO expert…? I know where my money is…

He told the German newspaper Bild: “It seems almost as if someone has reprogrammed or hijacked the probe – thus perhaps we do not yet know the whole truth.”

Conclusive proof that we are about to maybe face the biggest threat to humanity.

If you want my advice…

Lube up and get ready for Invasion!!!

Aliens, anal probe, nasa, area 51, conspiracies
Independence Day eat your heart out…
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Back to the whole Aliens thing I’m afraid, very afraid…!

So, the Irony isn’t lost in yet another class news story from the other side of the world…

The headline reads :
Russian politician claims he met aliens on Moscow balcony“…

Nothing unbelievable about that surely? What’s not to believe about visitors coming probably light years across the universe to visit the future president of the World Chess Federation on his balcony…

*Aliens compete to qualify in the Galactic Chess Championships

It's your move Cyril...

Maybe they were worried about being late for entry, wanting that extra time to familiarise themselves with the rules or just simply hoping to get special rates on ring side seats.

I enjoy a good game of Chess now and again however I’m not sure I’d be hot footing it across the universe to meet the head of the organisation beforehand though, especially on his balcony. You’d have thought his secretary would have had something to say about the whole affair being a little unexpected.

“Sorry, Mr. Ilyumzhinov isn’t available right now, he’s currently busy being telepathically shown around an Alien spaceship on the balcony at the minute, if you’d like to leave a message he’ll get back to you shortly…”

And so another unremarkable day at the office passes without incident. Not sure who his usual guests are but you’d think someone would be a little more phased by the events, like maybe his Driver, the minister who was apparently present and the ‘other’ guest, unless of course the other guest that isn’t mentioned happens to be Buzz Lightyear…

Of course it’s purely speculation but the story fails to mention anything about the fact that being met by Aliens on your Balcony isn’t a matter of concern to anyone other than the people in the FIDE (the World Chess Federation), who may somehow doubt his credentials for re-election.

“Bizarrely, Mr Lebedev said he felt it was necessary to check whether Mr Ilyumzhinov had revealed details about his job or state secrets during his unusual encounter.”

His Job, state secrets… WTF! I mistook Chess for a game. Somehow, lost in translation is the fact that whilst moving Bishop to King Pawn you may divuldge state secrets. I wondered why every time I lost I had to sign an official secrecy act form.

It all makes sense now. My previous rant about Aliens, didn’t allow the insight or wisdom of Mr Hawkings to comment on a preempted visit by the local Intergalactic Chess appreciation society, who may all be after Kasparov’s secrets, not to mention maybe a touch of global domination in between matches…

Thankfully Domino players worldwide can all now breathe a sigh of relief until the next visit from your table game friendly Aliens from afar…

Fortunately they didn’t come to Greece, otherwise trying to decipher a friendly game of Tavli would have left them wondering what move the ‘Malaka’ move was as its so commonly thrown about during matches…

Plus I don’t care how good they are at parking, balcony or not, only a Greek can find somewhere to park in Athens…

E's the Law

Peachyness is the Law...

Like peachyness – it’s the law!

(*Image of Aliens by unknown source)

Note to self : Don’t contact Aliens on Monday!

Well, I’m glad I got that sorted out as soon as possible otherwise it was going to be one hell of a week.

According to Stephen Hawkings, contacting Aliens might not be a good Idea!

I’m not sure if its just relative to it being a Monday and that Aliens like most the human race probably need copious amounts of caffeine etc before they go about doing ‘Alien’ stuff, but I have to say that I probably agree with him.

He concludes that trying to make contact with Alien races is “a little too risky”. “If Aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.”

So, we agree, at least for this Monday I will not be trying to contact any Aliens, and if they do come here, lets hope they also go to America first…!

I also work on the theory that what if instead of being a super Intelligent species, they are like Us! Chances are that they would be Intelligent enough to ignore us completely, however there is also the chance that they could be a bunch of ‘Red Necks’ being driven round space by a Klingon version of George Bush…

Imagine how bad that would be! – Hoards of Adrenaline fuelled, warmongering lunatics seeking to exploit, plunder and abuse every possibility and resource they could, and that’s just us…

Its hard to believe that Alien life could be worse than this, BUT IT COULD BE!

Its hard to believe that any civilisations history could be as barbaric as our own, but it could be. Considering we try and generalise that we are a mainly semi Intelligent, peaceful, loving species.

It would be easy for an Alien race to look back through the pages of History and appreciate that without big guns, a whole can of Whoop Ass and a major spanking, we as a species won’t learn anything new when it comes to social interaction.

Our brief time on this beautiful Planet has taught us to try and kill everything else off as efficiently as possible, or to die trying.

Hawking’s was shrewd to highlight Columbus as an example of mankind’s ability to ‘bond’ with the natives but we mastered genocide amongst ourselves a long time ago, I suspect that even the most hardcore of Aliens would be able to dish out the sort of punishment that Religion has ravaged the land with across the years…

One thing’s for sure… It could very well be a case of their God being bigger than our God if they do actually find us…