Top tips on how to deal with the dumbest of creatures, the ‘online troll’…?


Disclaimer I :

Firstly, and my sincerest apologies to readers who’ve just stumbled onto this blog/post by accident (or) to those who innocently thought to themselves, “oh look, another post by ‘fckdupathens‘, it’s been a while, so let’s see what the feisty little sh*t’s been up to…”, well, you’re about to find out and it’s not going to be a quick stroll through the calmer more creative recesses of my mind either!

To coin a phrase, I’m c*nstipated having had to deal with one online c*nt too many, and so here we go…strap in, it’s likely to be quite the journey…

It’s probably going to get a little fruity in part too, and for that I have no intention of apologising either.  It might help if you put on RATM “Killing in the name of “and roll with it, (or) jog on…

Either way, you have the power…and likewise, and with no disrespect “f*ck you…I won’t do what you tell me”, this is my house of pain…

Disclaimer II :

Furthermore if you’re one of these pathetic online morons who can’t be bothered to read information provided, and yet still try to pick apart an argument or point as covered below without anything to contribute, then go f*ck yourself you inbred loser, I mean, grow the f*ck up… You’re partly the reason for post’s like this anyway you discombobulated sh*thead and will more than likely be featured somewhere below anyway, so deal with it you mardy little twat…

So, it’s probably safe to say that this post wasn’t genuinely intended for normal consumption and was written having dealt with one c*nt too many this week.

Apologies in advance.

Proceed with caution :

If music be the food of love, then this post may be the g-string wedged snugly between your cheeks…and without further ado, let’s play on…

It’s been a bit of a tense year already as many of the saner people in life will in part also recognise already, (this will become more apparent as you read on), but this most recent chapter in life is just the result of having to wade balls deep through the vacuous sea of morons that linger aimlessly online like some brain damaged fungus, bereft of purpose or intellect and with no direction, passion or sense of humanity, and yet who interject at every given opportunity under the illusion that their nonsense, abuse, immaturity and abject stupidity is an acceptable ‘norm’.

It’s not just me discovering them on an almost daily basis either, it turns out it’s not a new phenomenon by any stretch of the imagination,and god knows we need one these days!?

Who knew… ? Well, after a quick assessment – I spoke to a few people, we did the science and it appears we all do indeed know just that, they’re everywhere, like crusty dogsh*t hiding under the leaves.

So… What is abject stupidity!?

Chances are that if you don’t know already, then you may have already been blessed with it.

In which case I really wouldn’t carry on reading any further.  There’s going to be a lot of words, quite a bit of anger and things which will no doubt offend those who this applies to, otherwise i’d say more than most will understand completely and side with me when I say with a hand on heart, if you don’t like it, “kiss my peachy ass“…#truestory

If you are unfortunate enough to go online regularly and frequent the many hells that social media has more recently become, then you’ll know exactly what ‘abject stupidity‘ truly is.

I think it’s safe to say that the first observational symptoms were probably witnessed in the earliest ‘comments feed’ of youtube videos going back to the sites origins, where any non argumentative video would solicit the attentions of a subspecies of human which over time has become known as the humble ‘online troll’.

To be fair, some of the best non rational, insane and humorous comments still exist on videos whereby some bored lunatic just let loose on a cookery video for no reason at all, or a hand craft video showing how to make ‘pot pourri‘ from cornflakes!?

Now reddit, facebook and many other online platforms have become the lair of the ‘online troll‘, the ‘sleeper agent‘, the ‘robot‘ and or the most loathsome of beast’s – the ‘maga-man/woman‘…

Not to be confused with the long lost ‘Republican’ who share many of the same politics, but minus the lunacy as exhibited by the others, these two shouldn’t be confused either, despite being similar in many ways, but not so warped to make up stories like we see so regularly on the news.

*Camera usually pans to some old guffer who claims she heard a story about 8ft Mexicans with small Pox who were smuggling duct taped women over the border to exchange for $10,000 that George Soros’ promised them… No really… This is where we’re at, people so caught up in a lie it’s beyond fiction.

I wouldn’t like to say that these are in anyway the same, but the desired effect/result, and reoccurring issue to arise from this plethora of buffoonery is indeed one and the same for many of us all regardless.

I dare say that there are many variations, many probable causes and reasons for their involvement online, but irrespective, their complete and abject stupidity, deliberate and misinformed ignorance and unwavering insolence is usually accompanied by an underlying childish and immature hatefilled arrogance that defies belief, and does leave us at a loss for words more often than not.

Obviously there is always the (block/delete) option if they become more than just an online scourge to which our tolerance can handle no more, but we shouldn’t have to resort to this as a default action because some asshat can’t handle an alternative opinion to their own, and unless experience has taught us so much already.

To quote that baboon in the White House, “there are good and bad people on both sides, and in this case, there are”. #truly

I myself really try to tolerate people for as long as possible, partly because I do like the mental stimulation you get watching a halfwit dig themselves so deep into an online hole, that you can audibly hear others online rolling their eyes.  Sadly these morons make up for their lack of intelligence with more than enough tenacity and stupidity to wear you down and as it has been duly noted :


Occasionally every now and again you have the misfortune of dealing with an absolute f*ckmuppet who doesn’t even offer the equivalent of an intellectual snack, let alone a few crumbs, and so here began my week.

A diet largely consisting of an over enthusiastic arsehole, followed by a side order or malicious pettyness that you honestly wouldn’t expect to see in children, let alone a so called grown man.

Now this kind of pathetic behaviour sadly is all too familiar online as some of these idiots de-evolve into lesser primates, too unfit and too stupid to climb back up the tree of wisdom from which they once wish they’d fallen.

Meanwhile, I had one such encounter the other day and having had enough of abusive social diseases like this particular one, had to highlight this in all it’s glory and to use it as a social awakening for myself and others subject to such abysmal behaviour.

Return of the numpty :

The reason why I take such an aggressive stance on (pardon my french) – hostile c*nts like these is because if you haven’t read any of the blog already, I ended up fighting corruption in Greece and had to endure death threats, being attacked, abuse few could even imagine, and had to spend nearly 10 years fighting a foreign legal system hell bent on destroying me, all whilst fighting their torrent of abuse and misery as we exposed them and brought Justice to bear.

(It’s all covered within the blog), and equally in many ways largely irrelevant bar for the fact that I’m so sick of degenerate scumbags like the ones now featured, who all act like they’re something special because they hide behind a keyboard and know f*ck all about ANYTHING.

After all that I’ve been through, this sh*t is like an appetizer that just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

So, allow me to set the scene…

A thread starts by redneck hill billy number 1… Now this guy I kid you not is a redneck hill billy. I’m genuinely not being disrespectful to hill billy’s here either.  I loves me some Catfish Cooley and know a lot of Americans are damned good people, but we have this #maga touting Justin hater, convinced the Planet is 6000 years old and that global warming is a conjob because the good lord – Donald ‘son of God’ Trump says so.

I kid you not.  Now seriously, if you doubt Global warming is a ‘thing’, then you’re a f*cking turnip, plain and simple.  And it’s not up for debate either.

The science is done and without further ado, go f*ck yourself.  Seriously.  :

F*ck off.

You offer me, science, the Planet and society absolutely nothing, and in all fairness, when the sea’s rise and food becomes sparse, I’ll carve your skull open with a blunt spoon to make sure I don’t starve because of your fetid ignorance.  Not because your brains will feed me, but just so I make sure that peanut isn’t ever an issue or threat to me or civilisation in any other way.

I digress… SO, ah yes. Hill Billy number 1.

Now to be fair, apart from his absurd reasoning when it comes to religion, science, the world we live in, rational arguments, current affairs and his genuinely sad immaturity when it comes to him name calling me (#simple simon) – never had that before…seriously, we’re dealing with children…otherwise I actually do enjoy the intellectual stimulation he provides to everyone whilst we tear his stupidity apart, word by word, day after day…

It’s quite the spectacle these days and to his credit, at least he’s committed…Or should be!

He’s not malicious, and so at times, (briefly), I almost feel quite sorry for him, till he rears up an hour later, and starts all over again albeit with another absurd or stupid theme.

So, me a few others and this guy have quite a history online, he rears up and tries to sell his bullshit arguments, his fascist ideals or his hateful religious rhetoric and we rise up and give him the intellectual smackdown as appropriate, it’s become comical, but in good spirits considering…

It’s become a kind of daily mental exercise. So, for all intents and purposes, we’ll call him Anthony… 😉

Oh Ma Gerd :

Anthony now, having spent weeks battling to convince me that a  Zombie Jesus was normal because he wasn’t human, and that Noah didn’t have to round up all the animals two by two to get them in the Ark, informs me that the animals just turned up of their own volition…!? I kid you not…

Some magic WIFI and google maps combo I guess?

You can’t make this sh*t up, but yes, this happenes, and too often! As it happens, unless you similarly believe that some dude sat in a cloud made it so, this is all completely rational and as he later said to me : “I need to get a grasp of reality”!

I thought I was going to laugh a lung up.  Seriously!

The day begins, he now posts a link to a story demeaning teachers, parents and kids who’ve had two snow days due to the bad weather here and proceeds with his usual tripe hoping to divide and cause anger among’st people for no reason…  You know the type I’m sure, so desperate for attention it’s painful to watch, or a Russian troll too stupid to see how we’re not that intellectually challenged to sit idly by.

As expected, I naturally leap’t on his comment like it was a live grenade, just to make light of his ‘lack of education’ being an issue, very MUCH made obvious by his lack of knowledge on pretty much everything that he mentioned and covered – as did everyone else, as usual, the main focus on the schools I knew had nothing to do with the teachers either.  It’s a governing body issue.

So then we have angry Hill Billy number 2, we’ll call him Nick Keating for all intents and purposes and the reason why his names not been changed will become quite obvious in a second.

There’s a few more who will get the treatment too, especially those who think bullying and threatening people, abusing them and attacking them as they have me and my animals is ok, and I’ll get to those cretinous bastards in due time.

Spotting little penis syndrome :

He posts the following, skirts everyone else’s comments and attacks me directly as depicted below, having had no prior knowledge of this f*ckwit ever before :


Now I hadn’t even mentioned anything about ‘staying in bed’ or to ‘dont risk it’ or anything else whereby he felt it appropriate to start an online dickfest for no reason…

To be honest I was enjoying my little jibe with Anthony, it was the early morning starter that usually sets everyone up for the day ahead…

Incidentally, I was part raised in Montreal for years and went to school in snow 5ft deep and in drifts where we clung to the bus bumper and boot slid our way to school through the winter months, so I don’t give a rats ass about snow, or snow days, times change, so whatever!?  Some love it, some don’t.  It’s all relative…

But I certainly didn’t say it was one or the other, my only insight having known many embattled teachers was that I know that they only have the kids well being at heart either way. #FACT

Anyway, I tolerated this imbeciles pathetic insults maybe half a dozen or more post later before realising that this hateful little turd was just looking to spout his little man anger at me and everyone else all day without any logic, and somehow then tried to twist the fact that I was some kind of Trump supporter…!

Yeah, I know…Me…MAGA…I nearly fell off the chair. If you don’t know me, I don’t hate Trump because of his Politics, I hate the orange faced lowlife because he’s a blight on mankind and gives decency a hernia by still existing.  He’s a vile and appalling pig and were it not for the promise of Justice and Karma, and knowing that the lies and misery he inflicts on us all, will soon be over, I might be a little more outspoken than I already am, so there’s being a c*nt and there’s a Nick Keating level of being a c*nt…

I don’t mind angry logic and people getting het up over their own beliefs, but just swearing and abuse, screw that.

I’m not new to the internet and as my blogs may insinuate, I don’t shy away from a good honest debate or argument, it takes a special kind of c*nt to make me block them, and so after abusive comment after abusive comment, I reached my limit, still being as comically civil as I could be.

Half an hour later I recieve a random message by someone else I’ve never met with a fyi message and a screen grab of this :


So, I’m flattered to be thought of so highly…I mean, what are we talking, maybe 12 years old at best here!?

Yes, I’ll be honest, my desire to just exchange abuse with a complete wanker all day was pretty low. As it always is…

My first thought was thanks, I’d forgotten who I am, good to know what and who I am…and then I saw what he’d written…

So school began again…

Meanwhile the guy who’d messaged me to tip me off said that the prick had turned on him when he just queried his bullshit about me hating Trump, he then proceeded to call him a f*cking loser and apparently they got stuck into it for 56 comments worth too… LOL

At what point did people become so pathetic that they leave school, interact with people socially whilst pretending to be adults before pulling up a fresh nappy and throwing their toys out the pram like petulant children…!?

Now I’m just guessing – but I reckon this douchebag’s not got much of a life going on…  I could be wrong, but if you see the rest of his dirge online, how he attacks and abuses everyone without even addressing their issues, it’s clearly a failing of EPIC proportion on education!

And this ‘eventually’ leads me onto my main, and long lost point!

The point : (like really…)

Forget the post, maga, Trump, Religion, and or anything we may or may not believe in, what happened to respect and virtue, humility and compassion acting like adults, people civilised human beings etc…!?

I appreciate that half these vacuous turds are online for propaganda, online sleeper agents, fake profiles, all with dubious intent and always looking to cause unrest and capitalise on people’s misery and turmoil, some are no doubt bots, used to fill up adds and likes to legitimise another bullshit post and article, and some are just plain and simple the lowest form of society, graciously dumped on us all without any concept of morality, decency or respect, and all content knowing that they aren’t within arms reach of what their parents should have given them when they were born nothing more than a mardy little twat.

Half sadly do fall into the same category, ill-informed redneck, maga hat wearing, conspiracy theory chasing deep state hypocrites, all bent on pushing their corrupt beliefs on everyone else whilst not even adhering to their own pious and self righteous bullshit, all with nothing to say, nothing to support their beliefs, and nothing to enforce their lies other than “God said it’s all good” bullsh*t.

So I think it’s fair to say n behalf of everyone else, who’s all sick of your horsesh*t, grow the f*ck up!

As a so called advanced and intellectual society, we’re ALL sick of tolerating your delusional nonsense. Like really, if you we’re a child it wouldn’t even be acceptable because kids f*cking learn, or at least have that hope!?

As a species, we take two steps forward and three back to drag your sorry uneducated ignorant halfwit lumps of burger eating flesh up to speed, only for you to deny logic, science and rational thought at every turn…why, because of your science denying, flat earth, deep state, lock Hilary up bollocks!?


We got a life to live, a planet to look after and a God to worry about IF and WHEN he ever f*cking turns up! Till then :


Firstly, if you can’t adhere to the laws that mankind as a WHOLE obeys, just get the f*ck outta here.  Just don’t try and pretend you can fit in and be civil when you can’t even live as human beings…

If you deny science and don’t believe in global warming, then deny yourself some more and refuse to partake in the Oxygen your body needs to survive, and do us all a favour, I’m looking forward to seeing how you God deals with that.

Secondly, if you need a book to tell you not to do or don’t do anything, make sure it contains some relative information, like an Encyclopedia, or a dictionary, or both, not Kanye West’s greatest thoughts…or Mary f*cking Poppins, but even that would be better than a book about a talking snake and a book that NEVER taught that is was OK to lie, like you all do, like a man you seem to support does, and who flaunts morality and common decency like it’s an illness.

You’re the illness, a blight on mankind and one I pray the rapture rids us of you soon enough before you pollute, corrupt and destroy any more than you already f*cking have!

And thirdly, if you can’t attack someones argument before you attack them as a person, and act like a loser online, don’t act all surprised when forevermore people see you as a feckin loser…

Like d’uh…

The Gospel according to decency.

FYI : Believing in religion is akin to spirituality, do so, it’s a wonderful thing, but it’s a personal thing.

Just don’t turn up with your delusional ‘holier than though bullsh*t’, pushing insane nonsense that NO one can back up, and expect it to be accepted without fits of laughter when you try and tell us you believe in things so inhumanely absurd and self serving, or racist and malicious, without being seen as a delusional and cruel lunatic.

Your God may well have told you whatever the f*ck he did in your book, mine if I had one, would tell ME to tell YOU to go f*ck yourself without prejudice and would tell me so equally if I allowed myself to be so brainwashed that I didn’t question the very fabric of a story so far fetched it bears no resemblance to the world and universe we actually DO know and inhabit…

Now we don’t all have to agree, diversity is a wonderful thing, but debate and disagreement don’t have to always end up in butthurt cry fests.

There’s many people I’ve fallen out with, disagreed with and yet had a laugh with over something else, happens most days in some way or shape and always will.

Hockey, love the sport, your team might beat mine, (I doubt it), but they might 😛 but I can still sit and have a beer and talk bollocks all night without sulking over it…

Live and let live, and if having a ‘God’ makes you happy and able to live like a human, we’ll all embrace your beliefs, just as I without a book am happy to equally live mine, but I don’t need to sell you or convert you to the world we live in, it’s real and surrounds us all, TODAY, and TOMORROW, and forever till we break the Planet we live on, but don’t live everyday thinking God will clean up after you like he’s your bitch, because ain’t no one dealing with that sh*t.

You just can’t pick and choose which bullsh*t is relevant when it suits, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

To coin a phrase :

“Please, ma cherie, I told you, we are all victims of causality. I drank too much wine, I must take a piss. Cause and effect…” – The Matrix.

Now convince me there’s a Monica Bellucci awaiting me in Heaven, and I’ll be in church repenting like a bastard every Sunday…

Peace out…

Here concludes my rant.


Easter, Deez nuts! How to get ‘balls deep’ into God, so to speak!!!

Greece, May 2016 and it’s that time of year again. You guessed it, an Economic crisis… Ooops, sorry, my bad. Easter.

Hard to tell from the Governments latest shenanigans because it’s almost like they are trying to sabotage every event for their own selfish agenda.

On a positive note, I don’t think it will be long before the next Election raises it’s ugly head. Just a guess but it’s been quite a few months before the smell of campaign money was being burnt in the streets and judging by the lack of viable options, ideas or common sense in Parliament, it’s only fair we allow another bunch of Economically blind, intellectually retarded morons a chance at running the Country for at least a few months anyway.

So, back to Easter…

This year I thought I’d embrace my new found faith and take religion to the Source.

So, last Thursday I kidnapped the local Orthodox Priest, made a D.I.Y cross from an IKEA shelving unit and nailed him to it on the balcony.

Shows how hypocritical the church are, you’d have thought he’d be grateful but will he shut up moaning… Hasn’t stopped whimpering since he went up and is showing no signs of ending it any time soon either.

Personally I’d have thought the neighbours would have been friendlier as well. Not one ‘Happy Easter’ from anyone and they look at me like I’m the devil.

Hey, it’s not my Religion, I didn’t make the rules!!!

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t it seems.

On a sidenote, who started dressing as Darth Vader first, Darth Vader or Greek Orthodox Priests? – I’d love to know.

Today I decided to incorporate a few additional features into the whole setup to add a practical element and to also try to emphasise my dedicated commitment to the cause.

Where I had previously built a makeshift tripod to support the cross, I replaced this with a single wall mounted pivot allowing for a ‘wheel of fortune’ effect, I then made a ring which surrounds it to incorporate the 12 movements, disciples, hours of the day, carebears… ( I just know 12 is important, give me a break, It’s not like I’m running for Pope!).

And, to bring it up to date I decided to place 12 boxes on a table to give it a ‘deal or no deal’ sense of mystery. Looks great.

Not that the Priest is happy with the whole set up, he’s still rocking slowly between the 3 and 4.

I thought it’d also be good to have the option of having a blind folded knife thrower and a sexy assistant in a skimpy outfit to spin the wheel as the church has always been big on outfits and ceremony and yet never thought to bring the outfits into the modern era.

Gold, red and purple makes for an ideal Princess Leia outfit by any stretch of the imagination and for those seeking to keep the whole Sunday Mass feel to it, we can have this hidden cheekily under a Nun’s habit.

Hell yeah… Nun’s rock and almost lead you to Sin on principle.

Who knew… !?

So, when he shuts up moaning, I figured we’d break bread, have a few bottles of wine and celebrate Easter properly.

Obviously, I haven’t got a cave for him to reincarnate himself from, not sure if there are all that many in Athens to be fair so I was thinking of stuffing him in the Utility room when he’s done.

Plus, I’m not sure how long it’ll be before he tries the whole ‘reincarnation’ thing either, (another reason for the Knife thrower turning up), but one way or another he knows he’s got a job to do.

So the Utility room. It’s like Pandora’s Box.  If anyone can get out of there safely then I myself will proclaim it as a Miracle anyway. I went in to look for a light bulb last week and was gone for two days.

Came out and there were people I didn’t know living in my house! WTF…

Turns out I was in the wrong house.

You can imagine the embarrassment. Police saw the funny side though. We exchanged social profiles on facebook and then the Restraining Order arrived, which was nice.

Anyway, I thought to invite them over the weekend but when I went round the ‘for Sale‘ sign was up and the house looked empty. Strange, they never mentioned moving, but there you go. Some people are just weird.

Easter. Here in Greece its bigger than God, or the Beatles, or something anyway. It’s popular to say the least.

Still not sure what the Donkeys for!?

If you’ve ever seen the film ‘Bachelor Party’, you’ll understand where my mind has wandered to, if not, be thankful… Still haunts me to this day.

So. Religion. What’s it all about?

Do we know?

2000+ years and all I’m seeing is a fusty old book and a load of old men in dresses telling me I’LL go to hell if I don’t go to Church…

Hardly a winning argument or inspired visual encouragement if you think about it.

So, we have this Dude brought to us by three wise angels, who can turn fish and bread into more fish and bread and a load of his friends write a sort of ‘social journal’ which then becomes ‘The Gossip’ according to whoever wrote it, and before you know it, Bob’s your Uncle and you’re the new Messiah….

Thousands of years of wasting non believers and telling us Science is to be dismissed because in 7 days, 8 if it’s a leap year, another Dude called God created everything in his own image…

OK, I’m good with this. A bit vague, no proof and ‘everything in his own image’… Hmmm, at least the Guy’s got a sense of humour!

Technically then, if I get 12 people to post status updates and work out how to blend a couple of loaves and a portion of Cod and Chips into small enough portions and hand these out to the poor, homeless and destitute people who have nothing and who sleep on the streets, opposite the vast Gold hoarding Churches of the World, I’ll be the new Messiah will I!?


Apart from the getting nailed bit. And the crown of thorns (if I’m totally honest), but otherwise it’s surely an option worth exploring in a world where vacuous self made celebrity is core to our survival.

Since Kanye West has taken to pimping out Kim Kardasian to social media, no one actually knows if she’s a tart or not so I figured she’s the ideal woman to play the role of Mary Magdalene and that Lady Gaga anomaly clearly fancies herself as the new Virgin Mary so it appears we have an all star cast ready and waiting.

Local Mass was great!

Join the Church, sacrifice non believers and Plank like a God!!!

I always think that Religion was a required option at a time when people were evolving and needed to help people decipher right from wrong at a time when there was very little understanding or opportunity to do anything else other than survive by any means you could.

Sure, if you’re about to be hit by a truck, you’re going to pray to all the Gods in the hope that one may answer your plea, but in all fairness, you’ll be lucky if any turn up at the funeral.

There’s probably more chance of the truck driver turning up than ‘God’, but still, we still cling to this hope when things are dire.

Also and bizarrely, during sex.

What’s that about?

How did calling out for ‘God’ become part of the divine and sensual act of enjoying the physical part of ourselves with another, (or even ones self for some)…

I can only assume this came from the Church itself way back when. After all they were the ones striking fear into the populace throughout history were they not.

‘Though shall not covet thy neighbours wife’ – Unless of course you scream ‘GOD’ when you climax and apologise to the big man upstairs afterwards, then it’s perfectly fine.

The husband/wife can then beat or murder you when they find out and as long as we get a few quid in the tin, you in the confessional, we’re good.

Otherwise, carry on…

Incidentally, this next paragraph may give you nightmares but it almost makes more sense if you were to call out your mothers name as she brought you into this world… (I did warn you).

I suppose it’s down to the person, their disposition, their upbringing and their dedication to the orgasm really.

I’d say I’m an Atheist, Agnostic (whatever social media’s current politically correct term for ‘not that crazy’ is), and still maybe because of my religious background as a child have still found myself believing at times!!!

How does a person raised without any interference from Religion behave. Do they call out for the Honey monster during coitus!? I think we need to know the answer to this and many other queries concerning the power of Religion in our lives!?

As for other Religions, how do they tackle this conundrum. Without wishing to offend the other denominations, I can’t imagine Muslims calling out ‘Mohammed‘ at peak times, and if so, not expecting to be beheaded shortly before their extremist other half pulls the rip-chord, blows themselves up and then ends up in paradise only to have to plough their way through 72 virgins all shouting out his name too!!!

What a predicament… Blows more than just the mind if you think about it!

But ‘God’, move over, please.

You have had more of your day, longer and still do, and here in Greece especially it’s hard to not find a Day when you aren’t trying to steal the spotlight.

We’re in the middle of a horrific never ending crisis which is reducing all your followers, and others (equally important from your damn book’s own words), and yet you have the nerve to expect us to carry on your traditions when so many people the world over are suffering daily and whereby you do what…!?

Thankfully, the Pope’s doing his bit too from what I hear, only recently he appeared in Greece, kidnapped a bunch of Syrians to brain wash them before they are fattened up for the ritual sacrifices that the Vatican is well known for.

Sure, it’s possible I’m maybe confusing this with something I saw in a film, but all those Priests in one place… Makes you shudder at just the thought.

Let’s face it, as far as track records go, between them and the BBC, you wouldn’t really want to have to choose between who were to look after your kids would you!?

It’s like introducing Rolf Harris or Jimmy Saville as the new baby sitter. “Kids, come and say hello to your new playmate…” Ewww.

So, greatest and divine spirit in the sky, please take your time and use as many words as you like to creatively and majestically remind us of your feats in the comments section below…

If there is a God, or many, you’d sort this sh*t out or at least help those here trying.

Secondly, if you can’t even manage that, at least take back some of the no brained losers ruining the Country Politically while we all can then look to restore our faith in you, ourselves and each other.

For the Religious readers of my blog, you may also like the following posts :

'I believe in bullets'

Helping religion, one day at a time!

PS. In your own time, 2000+ years, there’s no rush, really…

My God’s bigger than your God. . .

Religion it has been said, is like a Penis.

It’s ok having one but nobody wants you waving it in their face. If you lucky enough to find someone who does, then good for you, we all hope you’re very happy together, meanwhile, respectfully please get some privacy.

So, WTF, people killing themselves for the hope of 72 virgins!?

Technically the equivalent of 72 blind dates. . .

Who the f*ck wants that nightmare!?

If it weren’t for the innocent lives caught up in their delusionary hatred, then people removing themselves from the gene pool and being sent straight to hell to be badgered by 72 nagging women is probably a blessing for the rest of us.

It’s not also known if the 72 virgins are also similarly as evil as the perpetrators stupid enough to believe this horsesh*t, so lets cling to belief that Karma does indeed have a sense of humour. . .

If your stupid enough to believe that anything other than causality will greet you in any other form of life, then at least have the decency to keep your beliefs to yourself and do all you can to ensure that you leave the rest of us to our own choices without causing misery and suffering to the rest of us.

E's not the Messiah

My God’s bigger than your God…!

I know more than enough people who would be more than happy to allow you to blow yourself up on their land, privately without any consequence to yourselves or your families., and if not, just ask, we’ll have a Tombola and raise the money, this I can promise you!

In either case, we will valiantly applaud you, from a slight distance anyway.

If your God is so great then clearly you must see the error in your beliefs to assume that any being responsible for creating life and Religion would accept such barbarity, let alone see it as a sign of strength to inflict it upon non-believers, neutral people causing no harm to yourselves whatsoever.

If this is otherwise, then what kind of God have you chosen? What kind of sick twisted abomination would allow such senseless self sacrifice.

Think about it, once you’ve all blown yourselves up, who promotes the religion!? Who spreads the hate!? HOW CAN YOU ACHIEVE ANYTHING!?

“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin can openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself.

Choose your future. Choose life . . . But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got Religion?”

If this is you, then good, do us all a favour. Find a field, strap up and go to f*cking hell, just do it with respect, do it for you, do it for your own stupid f*cking beliefs, your own stupid f*cking sacrifice, but leave the rest of us to our own hell.

Life isn’t easy, sometimes life sucks, but live with the hope that one day it won’t, maybe for a few hours even, there is some good worth dreaming about.

Otherwise, I’ll light the fuse for you myself. . .

Holy Toast Batman, there’s a picture of Jesus on my Cheese Toastie…

Well, what a day so far.

I woke up, had a beautiful cup of real Tea thanks to a surprise shipment from my mum, (you rock x), and then proceeded to read another great story about some lunatic who’d discovered a ‘lifelike’ image of the Son of God on his cheese toastie…

Now where I live the average cheese toastie costs about 4.50 euro’s, I’m not sure what the price is for one with God’s son etched onto it will cost but I’m sure it won’t be cheap. Having then discovered this, would you then eat it? Sell it on eBay? Or try to turn it into a holy shrine dedicated to healing…?

Personally, I’d eat it… It’s a cheese toastie at the end of the day! One I’d have been looking forward to eating at any cost and when I’m hungry I wouldn’t even care if it was made WITH the Son of God, it’s a cheese toastie, my cheese toastie and about to be eaten.

It’s not that I don’t respect Religion, I do, but a toastie is a toastie, eating priests and choir boys is something else, not my thing but hunger is hunger. I wouldn’t want you to push the theory though and leave me on a desert Island with a priest as expecting there to be two of us when the rescue party arrives, that would probably be a little unrealistic.

Sure I’d be sad afterwards, and I’d probably be doing a lot of praying, praying that he lasted a bit longer, or praying that I found some onions and mushrooms, or a nice sauce that might help him go round, but I’d be the one worrying about if I need a diet by the time I was on my way home that’s for sure.

Now as for the toastie story, how does anyone know what Jesus looks like!?

You know, is it such a bizarre question to ask… Having not actually seen a real photo fit image or photograph on the internet or in any books – even the Bible doesn’t have a picture of the Author or any of its co-writers anywhere and that’s after lord knows how many reprints, new editions – AND if there were a Directors Cut available on DVD, that wouldn’t have a genuine picture either, I just know it..

Hold on, I think I know why now, no one actually knows what he looks like do they…!

Especially some dumb ass Joe Public. I wouldn’t even expect the Pope to really have a clue to be honest, but certainly not someone who’s crazy enough to even contemplate the fact that out of all the mysteries in the Universe, Jesus would choose to appear on HIS toastie…

It’s funny how most ‘appearances’ on toastie’s, crisps, potatoes and many of the other items that people find his face etched on all resemble the stereotypical portrayal made by Hollywood in the 50’s, similarly used by authors and printers who for generations have accepted it as an acceptable depiction of Jesus Christ!

You know the one, nice white dude, flowing hair, bit of a beard, Marks & Spencer’s robe all looking rather serene. I’d have thought that with what he’d apparently been through, he’d be looking a little more p*ssed off myself, but hey, he may have been able to forgive everyone by now. Hardly a true representation of a Jesuit from the Mediterranean area who lived a life of poverty and self-sacrifice for the greater good is it?

However its maybe not so Interesting to read about how maybe Jim Caviezel appeared on your cheese toastie is it, or what if Charlton Heston made an appearance as Moses in your frappe…!

Could I still sell that on eBay, probably, people buy any sh*te these days but that’s not my point.

Then yesterday I read another article about how another fruitcake spotted Jesus whilst browsing on Google maps.

E's not the Messiah

E’s not the Messiah – E’s a very Naughty Boy…

So…Was he out shopping, buying a new house, or at the beach…? No, just his face was spread across the terrain in a very vague, Photoshop kind of way. It’s all well and good to see things that maybe resemble things in a strange ironic way but come on, its coincidence, nothing else. FACT.

Assuming it wasn’t a Photoshop job, its was just a vague image with a few things that may if you really thought long and hard about it, may resemble someone who had a beard and long hair. Lets face it, it could have been the singer out of ZZ TOP for all we know.

I’ve seen a fair share of uncanny things in my time. One of my ex-girlfriends often resembled the Devil, coincidence, NO, but what could I do, had she appeared later on my toastie, then I really would have been worried, but she hasn’t so far, having said that I won’t be paying four and a half euro’s to find out just in case.

So, Jesus… If we knew what he looked like it might help… We would maybe then and only then have at least a small indication of what we might be able to compare him with, till then, anyone who claims to have seen him appear anywhere just wants a big hug, and maybe locking up if they persist.

I’ve seen more vivid depictions in the clouds, drunk and sober, and despite this I acknowledge the fact that it wasn’t anyone sending me secret messages, it wasn’t God, Buddha or Charlton Heston wanting me to save the world, to not eat my toastie or sell it on eBay.

Note to self : Don’t contact Aliens on Monday!

Well, I’m glad I got that sorted out as soon as possible otherwise it was going to be one hell of a week.

According to Stephen Hawkings, contacting Aliens might not be a good Idea!

I’m not sure if its just relative to it being a Monday and that Aliens like most the human race probably need copious amounts of caffeine etc before they go about doing ‘Alien’ stuff, but I have to say that I probably agree with him.

He concludes that trying to make contact with Alien races is “a little too risky”. “If Aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.”

So, we agree, at least for this Monday I will not be trying to contact any Aliens, and if they do come here, lets hope they also go to America first…!

I also work on the theory that what if instead of being a super Intelligent species, they are like Us! Chances are that they would be Intelligent enough to ignore us completely, however there is also the chance that they could be a bunch of ‘Red Necks’ being driven round space by a Klingon version of George Bush…

Imagine how bad that would be! – Hoards of Adrenaline fuelled, warmongering lunatics seeking to exploit, plunder and abuse every possibility and resource they could, and that’s just us…

Its hard to believe that Alien life could be worse than this, BUT IT COULD BE!

Its hard to believe that any civilisations history could be as barbaric as our own, but it could be. Considering we try and generalise that we are a mainly semi Intelligent, peaceful, loving species.

It would be easy for an Alien race to look back through the pages of History and appreciate that without big guns, a whole can of Whoop Ass and a major spanking, we as a species won’t learn anything new when it comes to social interaction.

Our brief time on this beautiful Planet has taught us to try and kill everything else off as efficiently as possible, or to die trying.

Hawking’s was shrewd to highlight Columbus as an example of mankind’s ability to ‘bond’ with the natives but we mastered genocide amongst ourselves a long time ago, I suspect that even the most hardcore of Aliens would be able to dish out the sort of punishment that Religion has ravaged the land with across the years…

One thing’s for sure… It could very well be a case of their God being bigger than our God if they do actually find us…