Top tips on how to deal with the dumbest of creatures, the ‘online troll’…?


Disclaimer I :

Firstly, and my sincerest apologies to readers who’ve just stumbled onto this blog/post by accident (or) to those who innocently thought to themselves, “oh look, another post by ‘fckdupathens‘, it’s been a while, so let’s see what the feisty little sh*t’s been up to…”, well, you’re about to find out and it’s not going to be a quick stroll through the calmer more creative recesses of my mind either!

To coin a phrase, I’m c*nstipated having had to deal with one online c*nt too many, and so here we go…strap in, it’s likely to be quite the journey…

It’s probably going to get a little fruity in part too, and for that I have no intention of apologising either.  It might help if you put on RATM “Killing in the name of “and roll with it, (or) jog on…

Either way, you have the power…and likewise, and with no disrespect “f*ck you…I won’t do what you tell me”, this is my house of pain…

Disclaimer II :

Furthermore if you’re one of these pathetic online morons who can’t be bothered to read information provided, and yet still try to pick apart an argument or point as covered below without anything to contribute, then go f*ck yourself you inbred loser, I mean, grow the f*ck up… You’re partly the reason for post’s like this anyway you discombobulated sh*thead and will more than likely be featured somewhere below anyway, so deal with it you mardy little twat…

So, it’s probably safe to say that this post wasn’t genuinely intended for normal consumption and was written having dealt with one c*nt too many this week.

Apologies in advance.

Proceed with caution :

If music be the food of love, then this post may be the g-string wedged snugly between your cheeks…and without further ado, let’s play on…

It’s been a bit of a tense year already as many of the saner people in life will in part also recognise already, (this will become more apparent as you read on), but this most recent chapter in life is just the result of having to wade balls deep through the vacuous sea of morons that linger aimlessly online like some brain damaged fungus, bereft of purpose or intellect and with no direction, passion or sense of humanity, and yet who interject at every given opportunity under the illusion that their nonsense, abuse, immaturity and abject stupidity is an acceptable ‘norm’.

It’s not just me discovering them on an almost daily basis either, it turns out it’s not a new phenomenon by any stretch of the imagination,and god knows we need one these days!?

Who knew… ? Well, after a quick assessment – I spoke to a few people, we did the science and it appears we all do indeed know just that, they’re everywhere, like crusty dogsh*t hiding under the leaves.

So… What is abject stupidity!?

Chances are that if you don’t know already, then you may have already been blessed with it.

In which case I really wouldn’t carry on reading any further.  There’s going to be a lot of words, quite a bit of anger and things which will no doubt offend those who this applies to, otherwise i’d say more than most will understand completely and side with me when I say with a hand on heart, if you don’t like it, “kiss my peachy ass“…#truestory

If you are unfortunate enough to go online regularly and frequent the many hells that social media has more recently become, then you’ll know exactly what ‘abject stupidity‘ truly is.

I think it’s safe to say that the first observational symptoms were probably witnessed in the earliest ‘comments feed’ of youtube videos going back to the sites origins, where any non argumentative video would solicit the attentions of a subspecies of human which over time has become known as the humble ‘online troll’.

To be fair, some of the best non rational, insane and humorous comments still exist on videos whereby some bored lunatic just let loose on a cookery video for no reason at all, or a hand craft video showing how to make ‘pot pourri‘ from cornflakes!?

Now reddit, facebook and many other online platforms have become the lair of the ‘online troll‘, the ‘sleeper agent‘, the ‘robot‘ and or the most loathsome of beast’s – the ‘maga-man/woman‘…

Not to be confused with the long lost ‘Republican’ who share many of the same politics, but minus the lunacy as exhibited by the others, these two shouldn’t be confused either, despite being similar in many ways, but not so warped to make up stories like we see so regularly on the news.

*Camera usually pans to some old guffer who claims she heard a story about 8ft Mexicans with small Pox who were smuggling duct taped women over the border to exchange for $10,000 that George Soros’ promised them… No really… This is where we’re at, people so caught up in a lie it’s beyond fiction.

I wouldn’t like to say that these are in anyway the same, but the desired effect/result, and reoccurring issue to arise from this plethora of buffoonery is indeed one and the same for many of us all regardless.

I dare say that there are many variations, many probable causes and reasons for their involvement online, but irrespective, their complete and abject stupidity, deliberate and misinformed ignorance and unwavering insolence is usually accompanied by an underlying childish and immature hatefilled arrogance that defies belief, and does leave us at a loss for words more often than not.

Obviously there is always the (block/delete) option if they become more than just an online scourge to which our tolerance can handle no more, but we shouldn’t have to resort to this as a default action because some asshat can’t handle an alternative opinion to their own, and unless experience has taught us so much already.

To quote that baboon in the White House, “there are good and bad people on both sides, and in this case, there are”. #truly

I myself really try to tolerate people for as long as possible, partly because I do like the mental stimulation you get watching a halfwit dig themselves so deep into an online hole, that you can audibly hear others online rolling their eyes.  Sadly these morons make up for their lack of intelligence with more than enough tenacity and stupidity to wear you down and as it has been duly noted :


Occasionally every now and again you have the misfortune of dealing with an absolute f*ckmuppet who doesn’t even offer the equivalent of an intellectual snack, let alone a few crumbs, and so here began my week.

A diet largely consisting of an over enthusiastic arsehole, followed by a side order or malicious pettyness that you honestly wouldn’t expect to see in children, let alone a so called grown man.

Now this kind of pathetic behaviour sadly is all too familiar online as some of these idiots de-evolve into lesser primates, too unfit and too stupid to climb back up the tree of wisdom from which they once wish they’d fallen.

Meanwhile, I had one such encounter the other day and having had enough of abusive social diseases like this particular one, had to highlight this in all it’s glory and to use it as a social awakening for myself and others subject to such abysmal behaviour.

Return of the numpty :

The reason why I take such an aggressive stance on (pardon my french) – hostile c*nts like these is because if you haven’t read any of the blog already, I ended up fighting corruption in Greece and had to endure death threats, being attacked, abuse few could even imagine, and had to spend nearly 10 years fighting a foreign legal system hell bent on destroying me, all whilst fighting their torrent of abuse and misery as we exposed them and brought Justice to bear.

(It’s all covered within the blog), and equally in many ways largely irrelevant bar for the fact that I’m so sick of degenerate scumbags like the ones now featured, who all act like they’re something special because they hide behind a keyboard and know f*ck all about ANYTHING.

After all that I’ve been through, this sh*t is like an appetizer that just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

So, allow me to set the scene…

A thread starts by redneck hill billy number 1… Now this guy I kid you not is a redneck hill billy. I’m genuinely not being disrespectful to hill billy’s here either.  I loves me some Catfish Cooley and know a lot of Americans are damned good people, but we have this #maga touting Justin hater, convinced the Planet is 6000 years old and that global warming is a conjob because the good lord – Donald ‘son of God’ Trump says so.

I kid you not.  Now seriously, if you doubt Global warming is a ‘thing’, then you’re a f*cking turnip, plain and simple.  And it’s not up for debate either.

The science is done and without further ado, go f*ck yourself.  Seriously.  :

F*ck off.

You offer me, science, the Planet and society absolutely nothing, and in all fairness, when the sea’s rise and food becomes sparse, I’ll carve your skull open with a blunt spoon to make sure I don’t starve because of your fetid ignorance.  Not because your brains will feed me, but just so I make sure that peanut isn’t ever an issue or threat to me or civilisation in any other way.

I digress… SO, ah yes. Hill Billy number 1.

Now to be fair, apart from his absurd reasoning when it comes to religion, science, the world we live in, rational arguments, current affairs and his genuinely sad immaturity when it comes to him name calling me (#simple simon) – never had that before…seriously, we’re dealing with children…otherwise I actually do enjoy the intellectual stimulation he provides to everyone whilst we tear his stupidity apart, word by word, day after day…

It’s quite the spectacle these days and to his credit, at least he’s committed…Or should be!

He’s not malicious, and so at times, (briefly), I almost feel quite sorry for him, till he rears up an hour later, and starts all over again albeit with another absurd or stupid theme.

So, me a few others and this guy have quite a history online, he rears up and tries to sell his bullshit arguments, his fascist ideals or his hateful religious rhetoric and we rise up and give him the intellectual smackdown as appropriate, it’s become comical, but in good spirits considering…

It’s become a kind of daily mental exercise. So, for all intents and purposes, we’ll call him Anthony… 😉

Oh Ma Gerd :

Anthony now, having spent weeks battling to convince me that a  Zombie Jesus was normal because he wasn’t human, and that Noah didn’t have to round up all the animals two by two to get them in the Ark, informs me that the animals just turned up of their own volition…!? I kid you not…

Some magic WIFI and google maps combo I guess?

You can’t make this sh*t up, but yes, this happenes, and too often! As it happens, unless you similarly believe that some dude sat in a cloud made it so, this is all completely rational and as he later said to me : “I need to get a grasp of reality”!

I thought I was going to laugh a lung up.  Seriously!

The day begins, he now posts a link to a story demeaning teachers, parents and kids who’ve had two snow days due to the bad weather here and proceeds with his usual tripe hoping to divide and cause anger among’st people for no reason…  You know the type I’m sure, so desperate for attention it’s painful to watch, or a Russian troll too stupid to see how we’re not that intellectually challenged to sit idly by.

As expected, I naturally leap’t on his comment like it was a live grenade, just to make light of his ‘lack of education’ being an issue, very MUCH made obvious by his lack of knowledge on pretty much everything that he mentioned and covered – as did everyone else, as usual, the main focus on the schools I knew had nothing to do with the teachers either.  It’s a governing body issue.

So then we have angry Hill Billy number 2, we’ll call him Nick Keating for all intents and purposes and the reason why his names not been changed will become quite obvious in a second.

There’s a few more who will get the treatment too, especially those who think bullying and threatening people, abusing them and attacking them as they have me and my animals is ok, and I’ll get to those cretinous bastards in due time.

Spotting little penis syndrome :

He posts the following, skirts everyone else’s comments and attacks me directly as depicted below, having had no prior knowledge of this f*ckwit ever before :


Now I hadn’t even mentioned anything about ‘staying in bed’ or to ‘dont risk it’ or anything else whereby he felt it appropriate to start an online dickfest for no reason…

To be honest I was enjoying my little jibe with Anthony, it was the early morning starter that usually sets everyone up for the day ahead…

Incidentally, I was part raised in Montreal for years and went to school in snow 5ft deep and in drifts where we clung to the bus bumper and boot slid our way to school through the winter months, so I don’t give a rats ass about snow, or snow days, times change, so whatever!?  Some love it, some don’t.  It’s all relative…

But I certainly didn’t say it was one or the other, my only insight having known many embattled teachers was that I know that they only have the kids well being at heart either way. #FACT

Anyway, I tolerated this imbeciles pathetic insults maybe half a dozen or more post later before realising that this hateful little turd was just looking to spout his little man anger at me and everyone else all day without any logic, and somehow then tried to twist the fact that I was some kind of Trump supporter…!

Yeah, I know…Me…MAGA…I nearly fell off the chair. If you don’t know me, I don’t hate Trump because of his Politics, I hate the orange faced lowlife because he’s a blight on mankind and gives decency a hernia by still existing.  He’s a vile and appalling pig and were it not for the promise of Justice and Karma, and knowing that the lies and misery he inflicts on us all, will soon be over, I might be a little more outspoken than I already am, so there’s being a c*nt and there’s a Nick Keating level of being a c*nt…

I don’t mind angry logic and people getting het up over their own beliefs, but just swearing and abuse, screw that.

I’m not new to the internet and as my blogs may insinuate, I don’t shy away from a good honest debate or argument, it takes a special kind of c*nt to make me block them, and so after abusive comment after abusive comment, I reached my limit, still being as comically civil as I could be.

Half an hour later I recieve a random message by someone else I’ve never met with a fyi message and a screen grab of this :


So, I’m flattered to be thought of so highly…I mean, what are we talking, maybe 12 years old at best here!?

Yes, I’ll be honest, my desire to just exchange abuse with a complete wanker all day was pretty low. As it always is…

My first thought was thanks, I’d forgotten who I am, good to know what and who I am…and then I saw what he’d written…

So school began again…

Meanwhile the guy who’d messaged me to tip me off said that the prick had turned on him when he just queried his bullshit about me hating Trump, he then proceeded to call him a f*cking loser and apparently they got stuck into it for 56 comments worth too… LOL

At what point did people become so pathetic that they leave school, interact with people socially whilst pretending to be adults before pulling up a fresh nappy and throwing their toys out the pram like petulant children…!?

Now I’m just guessing – but I reckon this douchebag’s not got much of a life going on…  I could be wrong, but if you see the rest of his dirge online, how he attacks and abuses everyone without even addressing their issues, it’s clearly a failing of EPIC proportion on education!

And this ‘eventually’ leads me onto my main, and long lost point!

The point : (like really…)

Forget the post, maga, Trump, Religion, and or anything we may or may not believe in, what happened to respect and virtue, humility and compassion acting like adults, people civilised human beings etc…!?

I appreciate that half these vacuous turds are online for propaganda, online sleeper agents, fake profiles, all with dubious intent and always looking to cause unrest and capitalise on people’s misery and turmoil, some are no doubt bots, used to fill up adds and likes to legitimise another bullshit post and article, and some are just plain and simple the lowest form of society, graciously dumped on us all without any concept of morality, decency or respect, and all content knowing that they aren’t within arms reach of what their parents should have given them when they were born nothing more than a mardy little twat.

Half sadly do fall into the same category, ill-informed redneck, maga hat wearing, conspiracy theory chasing deep state hypocrites, all bent on pushing their corrupt beliefs on everyone else whilst not even adhering to their own pious and self righteous bullshit, all with nothing to say, nothing to support their beliefs, and nothing to enforce their lies other than “God said it’s all good” bullsh*t.

So I think it’s fair to say n behalf of everyone else, who’s all sick of your horsesh*t, grow the f*ck up!

As a so called advanced and intellectual society, we’re ALL sick of tolerating your delusional nonsense. Like really, if you we’re a child it wouldn’t even be acceptable because kids f*cking learn, or at least have that hope!?

As a species, we take two steps forward and three back to drag your sorry uneducated ignorant halfwit lumps of burger eating flesh up to speed, only for you to deny logic, science and rational thought at every turn…why, because of your science denying, flat earth, deep state, lock Hilary up bollocks!?


We got a life to live, a planet to look after and a God to worry about IF and WHEN he ever f*cking turns up! Till then :


Firstly, if you can’t adhere to the laws that mankind as a WHOLE obeys, just get the f*ck outta here.  Just don’t try and pretend you can fit in and be civil when you can’t even live as human beings…

If you deny science and don’t believe in global warming, then deny yourself some more and refuse to partake in the Oxygen your body needs to survive, and do us all a favour, I’m looking forward to seeing how you God deals with that.

Secondly, if you need a book to tell you not to do or don’t do anything, make sure it contains some relative information, like an Encyclopedia, or a dictionary, or both, not Kanye West’s greatest thoughts…or Mary f*cking Poppins, but even that would be better than a book about a talking snake and a book that NEVER taught that is was OK to lie, like you all do, like a man you seem to support does, and who flaunts morality and common decency like it’s an illness.

You’re the illness, a blight on mankind and one I pray the rapture rids us of you soon enough before you pollute, corrupt and destroy any more than you already f*cking have!

And thirdly, if you can’t attack someones argument before you attack them as a person, and act like a loser online, don’t act all surprised when forevermore people see you as a feckin loser…

Like d’uh…

The Gospel according to decency.

FYI : Believing in religion is akin to spirituality, do so, it’s a wonderful thing, but it’s a personal thing.

Just don’t turn up with your delusional ‘holier than though bullsh*t’, pushing insane nonsense that NO one can back up, and expect it to be accepted without fits of laughter when you try and tell us you believe in things so inhumanely absurd and self serving, or racist and malicious, without being seen as a delusional and cruel lunatic.

Your God may well have told you whatever the f*ck he did in your book, mine if I had one, would tell ME to tell YOU to go f*ck yourself without prejudice and would tell me so equally if I allowed myself to be so brainwashed that I didn’t question the very fabric of a story so far fetched it bears no resemblance to the world and universe we actually DO know and inhabit…

Now we don’t all have to agree, diversity is a wonderful thing, but debate and disagreement don’t have to always end up in butthurt cry fests.

There’s many people I’ve fallen out with, disagreed with and yet had a laugh with over something else, happens most days in some way or shape and always will.

Hockey, love the sport, your team might beat mine, (I doubt it), but they might 😛 but I can still sit and have a beer and talk bollocks all night without sulking over it…

Live and let live, and if having a ‘God’ makes you happy and able to live like a human, we’ll all embrace your beliefs, just as I without a book am happy to equally live mine, but I don’t need to sell you or convert you to the world we live in, it’s real and surrounds us all, TODAY, and TOMORROW, and forever till we break the Planet we live on, but don’t live everyday thinking God will clean up after you like he’s your bitch, because ain’t no one dealing with that sh*t.

You just can’t pick and choose which bullsh*t is relevant when it suits, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

To coin a phrase :

“Please, ma cherie, I told you, we are all victims of causality. I drank too much wine, I must take a piss. Cause and effect…” – The Matrix.

Now convince me there’s a Monica Bellucci awaiting me in Heaven, and I’ll be in church repenting like a bastard every Sunday…

Peace out…

Here concludes my rant.


Putin unveils the new Russian federation flag in honour of Trumps commitment to the Motherland.


Helsinki, Finland 2018.

Trump’s blatant collusion wakes America!

Wow, quite the day, and a great header regardless. But made even funnier when it’s true, and yes, you really can’t make this sh*t up!

Not often you get to see a leader of a sovereign Nation surrender his own to an adversary without a single shot being fired.

I bet Hitler’s rolling in his grave…

With Thatcher, obviously… Like some kind of freaky Despot kebab. – You’re welcome.

All of a sudden Americans suddenly seem surprised, 542 days late, admittedly, but thanks for turning up anyway, and that’s not including the pre-election clusterfuck that anyone with half a brain saw coming even way back then, all the way from Moscow, by donkey, riding on the back of a turtle, Terry Pratchett stylee.

You can steadily hear a few more Democrats shouting for Republicans to stand up and call him out but surely even they must realise that if Putin had the foresight to hack the servers and get dirt on Trump and his immediate gang, then he’s clearly got dirt on the rest of the bottom of the barrel too.

It’s hard not to, just look at the cast, it’s like a who’s who of the Top 100 reprobates to ever have walked the Planet, and are you surprised they never stand out against him…the guy’s linked to the mob, he’s now had Putins buddies for several years backing him up online and working people over with poison etc, so go on, please do name me a brave American Government official in Trumps party who’s not had their spine surgically removed anyway, not to mention one who’d stand out against them knowing how he deals with people in the UK…

Just look at Trey Gowdy, when you have to sink that low you normally go blind and develop gills.

And shall we maybe assume that maybe a few aren’t like ‘Randy’ Roy Moore or ‘Deceitful’ Donald Trump either, lol, I know, ludicrous to even consider, but please do… so then maybe Mueller needs to open up a few more investigations too… #justSayin.  Money talks just as readily as it stops people talking.

That all changes when you threaten to take it away though, hey Cohen…!

Yeah Trump, we can all make stupid nicknames up, FYI… it’s not because you’re a ‘Stable Genuis’.

In all my time you’d never expect ANY Americans to shut up about anything when it came to Treason or surrendering a Nation to anyone, let alone Russia, all that kissing the flag bullsh*t and now you give it away.

As a nation you weren’t guilty of it being blackmailed away from you, individually you all just watched, but someone was, and willingly gave it away, and you all know who deep down…

Open Treason!?

If you watched the news today, and here below if you didn’t : *short version.

If you haven’t seen the meeting, then please check out the small video above, you can see the exact moment Donald Trump hands the USA over to Putin, they show it in slow motion so don’t worry, you won’t miss it…

I seriously suspect when the door shut and they were in private, Trump gave Putin a big Key to America like the Mayor’s of cities do and we’ll see a big cheque being handed over as we see a new Trump tower go up in every city in Russia.

What happened behind closed doors :

If you don’t know what happened in Helsinki, then listen up…

The doors shut, all fell silent and as Putin looked Dumbo straight between the eyes, he pulled out his phone, and said this as he played him a high definition video of a Russian hotel visit :

“So, listen up f*cknuts. If you still don’t believe we made you President and own your bloated ugly orange piss covered hide, then know it now.  Firstly we’re going to sit here in silence while you watch this and I see how the Mueller investigation is going, and when the Doors open you’re going to respond to the usual bullsh*t out there in the manner you do so well, send my love to Melania and we’ll speak again soon.

Now stop fidgeting and get ready.” – says a cheeky Anglo/Russian accent.

So, if you’re American, keep telling yourself your lies and preaching to your God while you bring upon your own individual rapture.

God bless America suddenly seems a long time ago now doesn’t it.

I suppose it was the same for Rome when that collapsed too. A nation watching on as it fell at their feet, those in power with gold lining their pockets, now realising that the money they lied and stole to get  is all worthless when no one accepts your currency or lies, and there’s nothing left.


Putin unveils the latest Russian flag, complete with the new 51 states of America…

It equates to America’s recent discussions about North Korea and ‘winning a Nuclear war’… The clues in the title, no one f*cking wins a Nuclear war you morons.  Like D’Uh!

I’m no expert and I dare say with a fair amount of certainty, that no one EVER will be, I’ll wager all I own on the losers being comparable to the winners by the time it’s over. #fact

But these are no ordinary times, this is Trump’s America and the world he is laying waste to as we all watch on.

As a species, we surely don’t deserve to live beyond this point if we allow what Donald Trump and his spineless party of sycophants now have come to be.

You only have to look at Greece and what their Political circus has became, the UK with whatever the f*ck Brexit is supposed to be doing, then there’s Italy and beyond to see it happening all over the world as even more become disillusioned with life, so much so that they are prepared to ultimately forego their own. and the lives of everyone else because of their own misery, spite, hatred or disillusionment…or stupidity, of which if this, they can’t even be educated to a wiser state.  Apparently it’s frowned upon to shoot them and against some sort of Law also.  Ho Hum.

If so, I’ll press the button myself.

On a more personal note, I literally died on the operating theatre a couple of months back.  When I woke everything had changed, I was a wreck, in pieces and emotionally wrecked having known how this was indeed my ‘second chance’ – if not more, and whilst waking at 5:30 am and being fortunate enough to see what was my first ‘new’ sunrise, was to read the news and see how close we were to the threat of Nuclear war with another crackhead loser, backed through either fear, subjugation, dedication or good old fashioned ill gotten gain or survival, all because of some mentally unstable f*ckhead who’s got a peanut for a cock and the brains to match it, someone who wishes they were maybe almost, half as charismatic as fungus and who has the etiquette and social grace of a chimpanzee on LSD, is allowed by so many to behave like this and cause so much collateral damage to everything he comes into contact with.

So I woke, words couldn’t describe that moment anyway, but to feel so beautifully overjoyed for being ABLE to enjoy another day, another sunrise and to live another moment on this beautiful Planet broke my heart, thinking how for the first time in my life, truly, I wanted to live.

And live like I’ve never lived before.

So if you’re fucking FBI (who I deeply respect, hurry up and lock him up and we’ll have no problems…throw his ass in jail), so, yeah, if you want to come and talk to me about my negative connotations of Donald Trump, then understand completely when I say this :

He threatened me, and everyone I know and those I don’t know with Armageddon, so tell him to kiss my peachy fucking arse, and if HE and YOU don’t like it, you can quite frankly go f*ck yourselves.

So, this whole collusion thing… Why do people assume that Trump knows anything about the chaos that unfolded behind his back while he ran for President…!? And this is the masterstroke! There is no collusion.

Trump didn’t need to know, Trump’s too stupid to know, and he’s so fricking moronic, that had he have actually known, then he’d have either accidentally told everyone by now without even realising, or boasted about it because he’s always considered himself better than everyone anyway and above the Law now he’s Dictator for Life.

Collusion, who needs collusion when all you have to do is give the average American something to think about and watch them tear themselves apart…

All you need to do is to light the fuse and stand back, and that’s all that Putin did.

Not that there’s seems to be an average American left these days either. There’s those with the common sense enough to know that their Nation is slowly being destroyed from the inside, and then there’s those who stand in their Chinese made MAGA hats chanting “Space Force”, all while their economy collapses around them, their Industries become victims to a needless trade war, started by a man who has as much Economic understanding as the Cheese burger he snuggles up to at night, and as the idiot they voted in does his utmost to dismember everything that currently works in the US, (and I use the word ‘works’ in a manner which implies that at least for now, you actually have something), they then applaud his Treachery without even understanding all of the above, and what’s to follow below as well…

I’ve tried my best to defend Americans throughout this abomination of a Presidency, but I can’t no more. You’re all complicit in this man being your President.

Those who didn’t vote deserve to lose everything you ever had just as much as those who did vote him in do, and as for the rest, well you’re all guilty of aiding and abetting and for doing nothing for the duration of his presidency thus far.

Turning up for a facebook rally and hanging about any number of the cities, parks and venues you as did, all happy taking your smug selfies and thinking that rallies are really what change democracies, well, quite frankly you’re as brain damaged as you are deluded.

You resist by DOING things. It’s how SH*T gets done… Millenials and the current generation of couch surfing do-gooders all seem to think that a good picture with some chick who’s nearly got her tits out will change the world. It won’t, some virgin nerd cooped up in his bedroom playing Fornight might get his rocks off, but tomorrow and the day after, *spoiler alert – IT’S ALL THE F*CKING SAME!

Parliament, voting, petitions and Court, extreme cases may require a darkened room and a few slaps in the face, and without condoning it, maybe a good high powered rifle a scope.

The press are guilty too and more than most.  For years the standard and quality of Journalism has fallen to lows never seen before and sure it’s because people don’t buy the papers like they use to. Digital media took over while you sat on your asses overcharging us for a Newspaper which even back then, at best was one or two agenda’s being pumped down our throats, and because of this, it allowed the likes of scum like Alex Jones and Fox N*ws, (apologies, I can’t even bring myself to put the term, Fox and News together, it makes me want to vomit) to stick their lying hypocritical racist views on backwater channels and ruin people the world over. But why is even this allowed!?

America sold it’s soul to Cable TV and that in turn sold it to the devil.

Well, the bad news is this, you still owe him, the good news :

Putin just paid him off for y’all.

But the news is pointless it seems, everyones more interested in showing their tits off and pretending to like other talentless numbskulls to appease their own fake like-ability status, or it’s Russian bots apparently!?

Depending upon your view, sex and Nationality, this may be not so bad.

These days we all have to become our own reliable source of information if we’re to invest in a story or news article online, facebook and twitter as by far the worst contenders lately as they freely allowed the message to flow for anyone without checking the content of the message or the intent behind the source, combine this with the leaks and software development abuses made my many of the data mining and hacker bot systems etc and it’s easy to see how this circus affects us all.

There’s just no excuse for it. Sure you can blame the Russians, Obama, the pixies and anything and everything you wish, but you ALL sat back and watched his circus come to town long before he was elected in.

Swayed by money, hype bullshit and ego, the American dream gone sour, he lied becoming Donald Trump the businessman and Tycoon that most people f*cking loathed anyway, and then despite decades of watching him being a c*nt, you then decide to let the spastic run for Office!

WT actual F…!? I mean, really, you want pity, screw you. He’s destroying the Planet by his actions on a Global level almost daily and threatened North Korea with Nuclear annihilation, tore up numerous agreements which safeguarded our immediate demise and has been on a warpath with everyone except the people who have slighted you as a Nation and abused their place in the world order for so long anyway, so F*CK YOU.

And if the FBI want to come and have a word about me joking about him being shot in the face or beheading him with a spoon, as may have been mentioned the odd time, well please do because I wasn’t kidding either.

If you love you truly love America, you’d shoot him in the face yourselves, and more than once just to make sure.

It’s astonishing that with over 17 million guns and the one of the highest murder rates on the Planet, you’re telling me you can’t or haven’t been able to find a f*cktard to do the job when it’s needed the most. And what’s the constitution actually about if not being able to arm yourselves and protect yourselves from exactly this kind of scenario… HELLO! Have you not heard of the word COUP!!!

Where’s our JFK moment when we need it…?

Trump didn’t need to know anymore or less about being voted in because he assumed he would win anyway, his ego trip over-rules any hint of irony or complicity when it comes to the last nearly two years of chaos, and Putin knew this.

Once it was clear that there was a trail back to Moscow for the election results, he knew America would fall apart, the divide between the few sane Americans and the over-ripe hillbilly Trump supporters was all he needed to know that regardless of the outcome, America would soon fall.

But in getting Trump to win, it ensured that an unhinged retard with no common sense, values, decency or experience would now in control of the train wreck that we now witness everyday, and be tantamount to throwing a grenade into a sewer.

His views were well known and his arrogance and stupidity would do the rest, it didn’t need direction, it was akin to letting him sit on that truck and pretend to drive like he did back in March 2017.


Train wreck America, all aboard…

Once you get something like that over someone like Trump you neither have to incriminate or exonerate them when you can just sit back and feed the anarchy, chaos has already begun, no one trusts each other, and combined with an angry three year old with no manners, and someone who clearly hasn’t a clue anyway, one who’s self loathing of repeated self inflicted failure to which he knows deep down, it’s all he is…drives his willingness to now have to appease a man who’s slowly unzipping his trousers as he motions him to his knees…

– “and Donald, this time I’ll tell you when to stop…”

No ones saying Hilary was the answer, the cure, Trump shook it up, but we all want more than what’s happening, and if not, then let the rest of us live, because we want to.

This is a long dark deep path America is treading now, at some point you have to accept that sadly it’s not the end, but it needs to be an end to the lies, the deceit to you as people, you deserve that, everyone does.

He’s so far out his depth just setting up mentally capable staff and his own personnel in key institutions, at least in the ones he’s not destroying, and then there’s the trade war that’s going to make everyone and everything become a rare commodity, industries that fail now won’t recover, technology is desposing of people in Industries half the world take for granted anyway, and we have no solutions for that now, allowing them to fail, markets to now shift, and who farms that when all your beans are pilling up?

Once China finds another source for what it buys off you guys now, you will NEVER have their business again after this… I promise you that America.

You think Trumps going to subsidise and bankroll EVERY export that will soon be stockpile and rusting, rotting or failing to be…

Blame Obama, blame Putin, blame Mueller and the FBI, the press or the Gods, it doesn’t matter when every day sleep walk into another day nearing the End of all we know.

Today we all witnessed it first hand. No fake news, no enemy of the people making sh*t up.

Reality. Welcome to my hell and thank you for staying and making it to the end.

We all need to enjoy life, and remember that living is ALL about that, and if it isn’t, we should make it that.That all changes when you threaten to take it away though, hey Cohen…!

Dear America, like seriously!?

Well, where to f*cking start for one…!

You’ve suddenly become that fruity senile old racist xenophobe who sits in the corner of the ‘Worlds’ nursing home, rambling wildly and abusing everyone because your meds won’t EVER fix a problem you continually nurse into full effect. All those years of snorting Moonshine and Crystal Meth Enema’s whilst shooting N*ggers from the balcony finally seems to have finally taken it’s toll as you struggle to recite your crusty old bible backwards in a vain attempt to appease the God of Ammunition.

If you were a dog, we’d be inclined into thinking that taking you out the back and putting a few rounds through your head would be the best alternative to having you continually to try and hump everyones leg, as you do.

In fact ever since you wiped out the Native Americans you pretty much haven’t stopped trying to hump people’s legs. Full stop.

So where did it all go wrong?

Popular opinion would be to question when if ever did it ever go right?

Can’t ask the Natives, they’re all dead. Can’t ask the Blacks, they’re not all in custody yet and might do something unpredicatable like ‘voice an opinion‘ so that’s out, can’t ask Gays or Lesbians or anyone else who falls outside Adam and Eve’s extreme and yet beautiful incestuous circle of ‘love’ and you can’t ask many of the others who are left, because they still think Aliens anally probed them and are still sat around in their pants wearing tin foil hats waiting for Trump to become president.

The ones who are either ‘sane’, educated or sensible enough to know ‘common sense‘ and who try to live and do the right thing just darent fucking step outside the house and are probably peering down a Snipers sight listening to Radio Freedom and waiting for the Zombie Apocalypse as we speak.

Personally, I’m with them.

So, the last couple of years I suppose is as good as place as any to start and let’s face it, the focus could easily get lost along the way if we even dare look beyond the immediate and current circus which is currently swallowing up the world so effortlessly, and not for the reasons I’m sure most of you think either.

Mass-Debating… (Think about it)…

Let’s skip over the recent debate media debarcle that is the ‘now’ and can we just tackle one of the things which I feel is on most peoples minds globally…

Ronald McFlump… Doughnut Trunk, Whatever the f*ck his name is, it matters not.

Donald Trump, America, USA, Election, Map America

“One small step in sh*t for man, one Giant leap for Stupidity”

It can be nicely summed up with this little soundbite : What a complete and utter wanker.

The question is how did it EVER get to this, I mean COME THE F*CK ON!!!

America, or should I say the US of A, (don’t want the true America’s getting their knickers in a bunch, I hear ya!), so, a population of 324,701,378 (at the time of writing), and naturally subject to births, deaths and Blacks being shot by the Police obviously… and you honestly mean to tell the World that you can’t find a better candidate…!?

This is the best you have, like seriously!?

No ‘one star‘ McDonalds staff available? No car park valet’s looking for work, no homeless people aware that the White house might need a new squatter soon? No crack heads needing a roof over their heads?

Donalt Trump, hair, hairpiece, corn, cob, sweetcorn, president

I mean, was this Corn on the Cob NOT F*CKING AVAILABLE???

Instead we’ve got to watch Elmer Fudd run for Office!

I’d apply myself if I could but apart from not being a US citizen, it appears I don’t fear Muslims enough, I don’t hate ‘blackies‘ either and I actually do love the company of women as people, I don’t despise Mexicans and I quite like social diversity and haven’t got guns in every room in case I want to go ‘Postal’, plus having half a brain and trying to be engaged in the whole ‘human dynamic‘ is another failing which I regret otherwise I’d be all over that sh*t like Monica Lewinsky was.

On the upside, there’s clearly plenty of time for me to lose my mind, become rich and hate everyone non white, so I’m not ruling myself in the future. Just sayin…

Where is the Love?

Do Americans hate themselves that much? Is it not enough that you allow every lunatic to own a gun, grenade launcher, Mini-Nukes, and then moan about crime, assault and people f*cking up your show whenever they lose the lottery, cross the road, go to school, fart too loudly…

Makes you think. I’m beginning to wonder if you can actually die of natural causes in the United States these days, War, civil conflict, gang related shootings and ‘The Police‘ seem to have cornered the market in Death these days.  It’s hard to see how illness or misfortune can ever stand a chance.

Or is it that widespread these days that a bullet to the head now is just classed as ‘natural causes‘?

Police brutality, getting shot for not being a criminal, oh, you mean ‘State Assisted suicide‘… Lot’s of it about apparently.

I remember when criminals use to worry about going to prison and facing the Death sentence, at least that had a 10 year appeal time and you could be proven to be innocent in some cases, seems like these days hoping to get the Death penalty is safer than walking the streets if your Black…

Not that America suffers a racial biase in anyway, they presently have a the misfortune of a Black Muslim born Mexican running the Country from what I’ve seen and heard, and what a fine job Obama Bin Maracas has done too!

It’s just a shame that in the aftermath of a non white religious biggot running the Country  for once, and doing rather well at it, plus the added shock of him not turning out to be a Cotton Picking halfwit and bringing the Country to it’s knees, that now the desperate race to re-install a lunatic white f*ckwit racist to appease the hill billy crackers is on and in full effect…

Basically, anyone will do, clearly…

Forget Hilary and whatever you think about her running for Office, just the fact that Arnold Stump is able to is beyond words.

Donald Trump, Simsons, Homer, Cartoon, hair, Homer Simpson, 2016


Homer Simpson is sadly just a cartoon otherwise he’d be most peoples favourite I’m sure, and to be honest, half the world would breathe a sigh of relief it it was Homer Simpson…

Donald Trump : An NKVD infiltrator or 2 North Korean’s in a Dumbass suit?

It’s a genuine thing, it has to be!

I can only assume that he’s part of either part of a North Korean or Russian plan to infilitrate the US and bring it’s own end upon itself. People often blame and claim that covert and underhand Politics are all part of today’s war games, and who can blame them.

There’s no way you’d do this to yourselves, surely? Not even in private. Not even for pure humiliation, and I’m no stranger to kink… But seriously, this is the worst self abuse you could ever subject yourselves to, honestly…

It’s not just bordering on the surreal, it’s ridiculous as a concept, as a premise, as a f*cked up reality that you’d pray scientists would discover in a Matrix simulation, somewhere FAR FAR WAY…

Sadly, this is our Matrix, our reality and it’s very much like someone put too many ‘scooby snacks‘ in the cookie tin and we’ve all got the munchies.

If you’ve ever been soooo stoned that you’ve willingly sat through daytime TV, you’d expect to see this on the Jerry Springer show, Jeremy Kyle, ANY COMEDY SHOW.

Not the news. Not the World News, and not as a serious story.

More a case of “Meanwhile a 300 pound Monkey escaped captivity and is now heading for the White House, experts hope to catch him before the rest of the Country f*cking vote it in…”

Donald Trump, monkey, sexist, racist, uneducated, primate

“White house, Hello?”

You do realise that the rest of the World can see all this? I mean, you’re not all living life thinking like you’re in your own ‘Truman Show’, sooner or later it’s turns out that it’s just a wacky gameshow…

So time to reset. If not for our sakes, the sake of the Planet, but for yourselves.

Surely you do understand that part?

Reset the USA, reformat, USA, America, start again, new begining

Try just one more time to be sure…

Greece, things no one tells you about!

So, I’ve been here for over 8 years now, can’t say it’s all been a bed of roses, well, can’t say any of it has to be honest but I have lived and learn’t a lot from my time here.

So why come to Greece, well, why not…

This ‘wealth’ of knowledge I would like to share with you all now as this has been more a ‘work in progress‘ kind of thing, and will be until the day I leave. As two days are rarely the same by any stretch of the imagination, the things we pick up and learn from Greece are ones we will never forget, no matter what. Some you just can’t…

There’s subtle things that you are often acutely aware of when you set out to move abroad, obvious factors which spring to mind are often the language, the culture and or religious aspect to their way of life as well as the history and the typical national stereotyping which some people have picked up prior to moving.

Let’s face it, no one will ever forget the French as ‘Cheese eating surrender monkeys‘… It just can’t be done – As they say in France, ‘We surrender‘… Just joking.

C’est la vie.

What people don’t always realise is that this barely scratches the surface on what you face when you do move abroad, some is easily negotiable, for some anyway, but for others it can be a heavy cross to bear as you lose touch with your once familiar surroundings of home and step foot into the unknown.

There was a time when I first came here that talking to rocks seemed normal. Happens to many of us new arrivals I suppose as we adapt and change into our new surroundings.

The random and sporadic madness is as much it’s failing as it is it’s charm. You can’t change it, you shouldn’t try either, just let it wash over you and hope to hell you don’t drown in it. It’s easily done, I’ve seen Greece break many a person, myself included at times and unless you have the mental flexibility of an ambidextrous three foot tall limbo dancer, be warned now, it’s not of this world…

For starters they use a language which by all accounts has been made ‘easier‘ than it was previously… Yes. Really, I’ve seen grown adults with tears in their eyes recount how at school they were having to learn Greek (prior to the changes), Ancient Greek and then the new fangled Greeklish which blossomed with the rise of technology and suchlike…

Like life here isn’t hard enough anyway, I know, let’s have 3 versions of a national language.

So when people flippantly use the term ‘Greek tragedy‘, you have to live here to understand the true implication that expression carries with it when you use it before you should ever be allowed to whisper it in public.

So, until scientists prove that the language was infact derived from a presently unknown Alien civilisation which once came to Earth, don’t assume that listening to a few sleep easy learning CD’s will do a great deal to help master it, they won’t. On the upside though, you do now have new shiny coasters for your coffee to sit on.

What I’d reccomend is something like the book covered below, and don’t let the humourous title put you off, 25 years is being optimistic I assure you. Plus there’s every chance they’ll have introduced another version just to shake things up a little in the meantime, maybe allow each Island to have it’s own version too…

Sure the language isn’t everything but it does help, I mastered the art of soundling like someone gargling wasps when I first came here within weeks, still can only just struggle by at a push but then my life here wasn’t so fortunate to allow me to take the normal route into integrating here in Greece, so in some ways I make no apology for that.

Not understanding Greek much better than I do often helped, really, it kept me sane and distanced me from the ongoing conversations about the Crisis, the lastest strike or the reason’s why London still has the Marbles…

Often I wondered if it’s why everyone here seemed to have lost their marbles, but no, they meant the ones the dastardly ‘British Elgin Marbles‘ the Empire had gone and nabbed way back when…

For the record, couldn’t agree more about them being returned, I cover this in a little more depth elsewhere in the blog but it does open up a major can of World whoop ass when it comes to National Heritage pieces which are displayed in musuems around the world, and thankfully nothing to do with me. You want my vote, you got it, simple.

I now have the added insight to know that when these such questions bubble up as they do, I can now pull my best Greek face and mutter ‘Re malaka, etsi’ and people assume I’m a native. Often then resulting in a four hour converstion about where to go to have the best coffee in town, a three hour discussion about where the best seats are once there and then a two hour chat deciding who’s going to sit in which spot.By the time the waiter arrives he’s just normally coming to remind you that they actually shut six hours ago and have been debating how, who and when to come and tell you to leave…

You just have to love it, we don’t rush here. We just happen here, it’s the way it is.

As long as you like cold coffee, good food and this thing called the ‘SUN’ being ever present, you’d mostly do fine.

Before I kick things off though, I feel it’s my duty to also suggest an option which the Government should seriously consider intoducing at the airport and ports to help people assimilate into their new surroundings once they get off the plane, and definitely before proceeding to make their way inland and mingle with the natives if not for their own safety.

On a positive note it’ll hopefully also help eliminate the wheat from the chaff so to speak, so please allow me to explain :

On leaving the terminal, all arrivals should be herded to a dual doorway for a free coffee, one doorway has a ‘Starbucks‘ above it and the other has a traditional Greek Yia Yia’s coffee house above it, those who choose to visit Yia Yia’s get a delicious free Frappe or Greek coffee of their choosing, those who step through the Starbucks doorway find themselves back on the plane they came on, all ready to depart so we can f*ck them the hell back to wherever it is they came from.

starbucks, coffee, apparently, expresso, not coffee

Hmmmm, a lobotomy in a cup please, no make that two…Better be sure!

I mean, you’re in the one part of the world which makes coffee it’s way of life and you decide to have a fricking Starbucks, if it weren’t for people frowning on a bullet to the head, I’d make that option number two, but such is life, and yours for now is only just safe.

So choose wisely, coffee isn’t just coffee, it’s the lifeblood of the nation and you demean your own credibility coming here and drinking that over priced sludge.

It’s not big or clever so behave.

When here, avoid discussions about the crisis, Brexit, Politics in general, Religion, sport unless you know what team the other person supports, (and even then, just don’t), definately don’t mention Germany at the minute either, Refugees, both the IMF/Europe and definitely never mention Goldman and Sachs, and you’re in with half a chance.

Greek crisis, grexit, europe, Greece, ebay, austerity

Merkel joins ebay…

So, what do you need to know?

There are four main groups which I shall touch on as detailed below, hopefully these will make your stay here, your understanding and your ability to adapt and seamlessly fit in smoother for the better part of your time here.

1 – Food.

2- Climate.

3 – Social dynamic.

4 – The ‘system’…

Food :


An all together different beast.

Having brought my trusty wooden Bread bin over from the UK, I naturally assumed that it would harbor the same purpose here in Greece as it did in the UK, and whereby in my homeland it largely absorbed the damp and kept it free from unwanted interference, here in Greece it serves as a mini time machine.

Anything over 25 degrees on a calm day and you might see 2 days useage out a fresh loaf, anywhere over 30 dgrees and maybe a day, anytime over 35/40 degrees and that thing you innocently put in the bread bin suddenly needs carbon dating.

It doesn’t just dry up, it’s evaporates on a molecular level that scientists still can’t work out quite how.

After the first day of my first summer experience when I moved here I thought someone had broken into my house and replaced the bread with a loofah… I didn’t complain but it was the worst bath I’d had for a long time and by the time I’d gotten into the water the damned thing had soaked it all. I sat there naked, bone dry  with an oversized bread shaped spongy thing.

After two days, you can’t even impregnate it with water and it’s so dry I use it as chalk. Light s a feather mind you and harder than Diamond with an erection.

I recommend splashing out on a few tools for when you get caught short anyway and still insist on trying to have a slice.

I myself bought a Black and Decker workbench, a sandblaster and a welding mask and now I can have bread all summer long, it’s a bit noisy admittedly and the amount you waste does fall into question but at least you might get one, maybe two slices of flour based Granite substance to accompany your meal, just be gentle when putting on your plate, I’ve already broken 3.

Cold Coffee.

Introducing, the Frappe…

frappe, Greece, national drink, coffee, cold coffee

Cold coffee, by the beach… Etsi, it’s how they Roll!

It’s a national dish, it’s a cultural icon, it’s part of the genetic fabric of the people, and Alexander the Great probably rode his horse with one in his hand as he conquered Egypt. But to me it’s still cold coffee…

I do drink cold coffee when begrudgingly reasling that my nice hot coffee has gone cold, but even then occasionally would top it up with boiling water as opposed to drinking cold if I can.

It’s just wrong, against everything my English Tea drinking soul was raised to do. I make a damned good one though, and if I have Baileys will happily indulge the creative side to a Frappe to ensure it’s in full dangerously ‘not going to do anything else but party after this coffee‘ mode, but otherwise, I can’t succumb to this concept. I just can’t.

I fully understand why, only an eedyit would drink a boiling mug of coffee in the 40+ degree Sun, but that’s how I Roll… Tea, coffee on the hottest day of the year, and not even letting it cool down either.

Hard – Core… I even have cup-a-soup in summer, Rock ‘n’ Roll baby, Rock and Roll…

But when you come to Greece, you should, you need to at least understand the world of the ‘Frappe‘ least you be shunned like a leper.


It might be obvious to some but not to everyone but subject to which part of the world you come here from, the difference in temperature is quite unforgiving during the summer months and so to northerners like myself who previously could keep eggs outside the fridge for most of the year if not all of it, here you musn’t.

Not just because there’s every chance the damn things might hatch in 40 degree heat, but the impending nasal torture that spews forth when you crack one open having assumed that after a week, it’s still likely to be ok sat on the kitchen side.

Well, honestly, I thought I’d bought half a dozen egg shaped chemical weapons. Never before have I experienced such eye curdling vom inducing air flow, within seconds I had Donald Trumps hair and facial range, scary.

So be warned. You don’t want to accidentally end up cooking a few of those when you have a cold, not that the smell wouldn’t burn straight through any congestion, but I truly dread to think what they could do to your insides, though in fairness I’m guessing your insides would probably rapidly become your outsides pretty quickly anyway.

Olive Oil.

Olive Oyl, popeye, olive oil, cartoon, dance, pose

Not so good with Salad…

And yes, I don’t mean Popeye’s bit of squeeze, I’m talking Olive Oil, the olive nectar of the Mediterranean.

I’m not going to get into the who makes the ‘best’ Olive Oil argument, I’m here in Greece and it’s obvious that if I ever want to make it out alive, you don’t even mention that lower grade stuff Luigi & Mario try and pass off as Olive oil…

*Disclaimer… I remain neutral. If in Italy and you’re reading this Monica Bellucci, they made me say it…

Truth is, I come from the UK and we do have ‘Olive oil‘, which in essence can be roughly ‘olive‘ in colour and is probably ‘oil‘ from something or other, but nothing compared to what you have here in Greece. You no doubt can buy good quality in the UK but it’s probably from here and would require the selling of a lung to obtain a small vial of the stuff.

We in the UK are a lard and sunflower oil nation, not quite as willing to die as the Yanks, but in a similar vein when it comes to cooking things in fat and low grade diesel.

There were times in the UK when half the time I swear I was eating something that had been cooked in something drained from a car. Not that we complained, Ketchup, Vinegar, and cover it in gravy and the job’s a good’un.

Cuisine of the Gods for sure.

Olive Oil, Greek, Greece, best olive oil, world, crete

West Cretan Olive Oil, supposedly the best in the World…

But here you have to embrace it, it’s not only healthy but divine with most foods and where in the uk we’d be reluctant to liberally cover a salad in oil, here it just accentuates the flavours and brings it all together. So don’t scrimp, double what you’d ever think to use normally, and then double that and you’re still shy of a modest Greek portion but at least you’re learning…


Do NOT underestimate the need for water when in Greece. EVER.

I know in the UK water requires three types of ID, a visa card and half a million in the bank to get a glass in some places, but here it’s free, they give it you while you wait for your meal and drink, it’s for a reason too.

If you like a drink, and I’m not talking coffee/tea, you need to hydrate, regularly, like a bitch if your from a nation that doesn’t consume much water to start with.

Seriously, unless you want to risk dying, dehydrating, headaches which will register on the richter scale as a local tremor and worse, DRINK. I can’t stress this enough, I’ve been here long enough to know better and though I rarely do have any alcohol these days, do consume vast amounts of coffee all day and night and the f*cking headaches I wrestle with still are all of my own stupidity as a result of not hydrating regularly. This I know.

So heed this, if anything more than the rest.

The Fresh Markets.

These pop up weekly and usually the main one is on Saturdays, some during the week too depending upon where you live. Tuesdays and Thursdays as a rule and if near you must check them out. Early if you get the chance and want to not get caught up in the stampede, or last hour as they are packing away if you want to search out the deals, although quite a few things will have sold out by then.

Greece is blessed with having so much agricultural influx, from the Islands to the mainlands and everything in betwen that the choice, the variety and the quality is second to none.

Here you can buy spring onions the size of leeks, I kid you not… It was only when I had gotten home though that I realised that they were in fact leeks, but still, you can buy some really big spring onions too.

They sell everything, mostly organic and fresh, some clothing stalls, diy, misc kitchen/cleaning things and the value for money for what you get is exceptional, so if you can it’s much better to support the farmers before the Unions and the super market chains come here and stick a Tesco’s Express in every Church…

The Weather :


Exactly as it says. Heatwave MOFO – It will cook your nuts, plain and simple…

Since I’ve been here I’ve covered the weather a few times, you have to as the shock is phenomenal, and writing is about the only physical activity you can manage when it’s 40+ degrees in the shade and you’re sat in the fridge with your nuts in an Ice cooler.

Being British I try have to fight the urge to moan about the weather these days because it’s apparently a National hobby for most of us pale faced Limeys, but what can you do, we never have a heatwave that usually last as long as a cup of Tea.

A few more things you might like to know are covered here.


This is a long suffering problem you have to just accept when living here and you either cope with it, adapt or it’s breaks you.

Either your too cold and air conditioning your ass to an icicle or your in the Sun, dripping like you’re made of water, there often is no inbetween.

The constant battle as you feel your sweat streaming down your back and nestling snugly between your buttocks as you shuffle from side to side as you sit, eager to work the drops away from your shirt or blouse, your crutch so hot and sticky you think you’re sat on a camping stove with genitals in desperate need of turning.

I myself suffer mostly as I apparently have quite fine hair so after getting out of the shower it never ever seems to dry, just a perpetual state of moistness which just streams down past my ears and down my neck to join the rest of my body fluids in their search for new unexplored crevices.


My personal favourite is Moontan. I’ve never had the circumstances to experience it getting hotter at 3am in the morning when in essence the SUN has long buggered off and the Planet by my way of thinking should be in fact cooling down… Like WTF is that all about, really.

I use to live up a hill, not a huge one, on a good normal day a brisk 2 minute sprint would have me home in no time, in August, surviving a 35 degree ‘cool’ day and walking home at 3-4am when it was 38 degrees, that hill was worse than climbing Mt. Everest in high heels.

It was brutal to a scale I’ll never forget, drunk, well, by the time I actually made it to the front door it could have taken me two days for all I know. I wouldn’t have cared either…

Just to open the door and step into a nice chilled 37 degree house was bliss…

That one degree felt like I’d moved to Iceland. I kept expecting Bjork to appear and serenade me to sleep, but that was probably the alcohol and the adrenalin my body had none of.

The big yellow thing.

I’ve since had it confirmed and it’s actually called the ‘Sun’, quite common in the rest of the world apparently, but still gets some getting use to no matter what it’s called.

The best thing about it is waking up, no matter how dark your appartment/house is, you know that it’s sunny outside, even when it’s raining (hahaha, rain…), even when there’s that sole lonely lost cloud in the sky, desperately trying to make it back to Manchester, you always know it’s going to be glorious outside, if the heat mid summer doesn’t already heighten your sense of how nice it is, the general thrumm of the people does.


I used the term ‘clouds‘ mainly to get your attention really, there’s only usually one cloud floating about and I suspect it’s the same one going round and round all year long.

Even when in spring/autumn and winter. – LOL – There is no winter here, northern Greece sure, some of the islands get cold too, but in Athens, we have what I call a ‘Naff Summer‘ period whereby the weather is akin to a British July, anything from 5 to 20degrees on a good day, and then ‘Summer‘ which last from about March to October for me.

During the former part of the year we do borrow some clouds from neighbouring Countries so it seems, probably loaned out to us by ‘ze Germans‘ judging by the regular attacks on Pappas post and a few other online ‘rantstands‘.

Otherwise like me, when you see one you take a photo of it like a keepsake, a lover never to be forgotten as you wave it goodbye, gone for another month at least…


You know when it is raining here because EVERYONE in Greece is on facebook posting youtube videos with the word ‘rain’ in the title within the first few droplets hitting the pavement. That’s a fact of life i chuckle at still.

Thunder & Lightning.

Very very frightening. Often without rain though which I find strange.

Probably not strictly true either, last time I joked about that just over the hills suffered extreme flooding and a few people were injured so, wherever I am, no rain… It just taunts me with a few drops, gets me ready to step out to door and bask in it’s mighty moistness, and… Stopped.

The only sign of it ever raining was my rapidly shared out Ian Brown video for ‘Reign’…

So there’s that.

Otherwise it’s pretty much the same as everywhere else really. It can excel in its ferosity and I suppose the humidity here helps it get to the levels it does, but in the confines of a non flamable place of safety, I do love to watch it.

Social dynamic :


What can I say about the ‘family’ over here that is safe to say… Hmmm, not a lot. So, if you want to find out more about that, search online, I’m saying nothing… 🙂

Well, it’s nice to see families as a close to be honest, mine use to be a lot closer than it is now but life happens and things show you a different side to them as you grow, some stay loyal to what you thought and knew whilst others morph into their own form, the same is happening here with the advent of the crisis in some ways, difficulties, financial and emotional, the adapting world we live in and the changes which Greece now faces all shaping the family landscape into something few may struggle to retain as life goes on.

For foreigners here integrating with the ‘family’ of those you know isn’t always so easy, so just be prepared, where as in the UK people bolt at Christmas and Easter and all flock to their friends and suchlike, here the family unit becomes one mass of Chicken, Goat and anything else too slow to make it from the spit as relatives feast on anything in or on, or near a plate, sing and dance and then drink copious amounts of Aviation fuel whilst the rest of the night tends to be made up of a lot of ‘Opa‘ and hell of a lot of ‘Malaka‘.

If you are to get close you’ll never starve, that’s a fact…

Name days.

I still don’t know so much about namedays really, how can you, it’s tied to the madness surrounding the Orthodox Religion and as Religions are not my favourite choice of brainwashed Theologies, they’ve since become something I’ve deliberately long avoided.

I prefer to step out the shadow of that debate too really, not because I don’t want to, but because I’d be writing all week covering a subject which would no doubt engulf the whole point of the post.

So, I’ll probably dive headfirst into that nightmare soon enough, after all, it’s what I do and people expect a certain continuity.


Meanwhile, religion, lack of it or too much of it stands to be a large factor in what is a core Orthodox part of the world, all I can say is enjoy what can of it when you’re here, don’t try and force you own and remember where you are.

It’s about respect and whilst I don’t choose to follow it, I admire the effort the Church and those involved in it goto to preserve their beliefs, no matter at times how absurd.

Nun, nuntastic, religion, orthodox, priest, god, sexy

You just don’t mess with a Greek Orthodox Priest…

But that’s as covered, in a long and overdue subject I look forward to tackling shortly.

The System :

Apparently it does exist… That’s all I know. Probably hidden away with that odd sock you lost years ago.

Greek system, parliament, Greece, austerity, IMF, EU, crisis

If only they’d realised that the building behind them is what should be burning…Θ)

Well, consumerism isn’t doing so well here so too boost the Economy people took to burning benches and anything else lying around to help kickstart it.

After all nothing defines Government Policy like a mob of angry citizens burning furniture outside Parliament…


And that folks is sarcasm… Not voting in the same Economically challenged halfwits would be a good start, but hey, what do I know.

Back in the day I had a plan, we all did, everyone except the Politicians had a plan, including my cats. But sadly none of us ran for Government. Now we know, we should have.


Well, I’ve been in a few banks around the world and I still can’t even get my head around what use to happen in the National Bank of Greece near where I use to live in Galatsi…

Like seriously, WTF!? It’s a family outing for at least a third of the people who use to go there, a chance to go and ask Kostas behind the counter how his family were and as for the other third, I don’t even know.

I’m assuming that maybe when the bank shuts at 2pm, a secret doorway to the underworld opened up and the whole sordid ‘Banking’ thing happened somehow…

I once went with a friend, keen to show me that her words weren’t in fact the stuff of nightmares, but real, happening everyday in this mysterious thing they called a ‘Bank’.

I knew the name, just not the concept.

So we went, an hour and half queuing with half the people of Athens who somehow appeared outside the door, we eventually made it through the security door, together despite the rules, because rules are meant for breaking, especially here it seems, and so it began.

I was instantly transported into that mangling machine you see in Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’. There were people who’d been in there so long they no longer knew why they were there, where they were or who they were, and my guess was that if we weren’t careful we were soon to become the same.

The ticket machine was on number 625 and the one lit up on the counter wall was for about 128… This did not bode well.

By the time the number had gotten to 1 34 my balls had dropped again and I randomly went through a midlife crisis/puberty change over, it was like the passing of the Olympic torch I swear.

Thankfully most of the people who came into the bank previously just came in to get a ticket and then leave!? Common practice apparently…

Meanwhile we watched the number crawl painfully up to the mid 140’s before someone jumped up, awoken from their coma by the misplaced hope that the Bank had any money, the cashier knew what the hell he was supposed to be doing and that the end result would be satisfactory to at least someone in the Bank.

That folks, is Optimism…And foolhardy. I know now.

20 minutes past and we waited, three more cashiers were ploughing through people like slugs on a copper lined salt path and the numbers without explanation rocketed up to the mid 150’s in less than an hour.

I naturally assumed that there was some sort of trapdoor in front of the counter.

The moral of the story is if you want to get to the Bank, go the day before, nail the doors shut, sleep overnight on the doorstep and only let the staff in if you go with them.

After about three hours we left, two generations of cashier lived and died before our very eyes and from what I could see people were only in to see how the credit debarcle affected them.

I’d have told them myself : “it doesn’t, we’re all f*cked anyway, so, know anywhere we can go for the best Frappe in town…?”

So, that was nice.

Since and fortunately, I’m with the Pireaus Bank on Leof. Alexandros, and the guy who helped me transfer my details should be running the Country as far as I’m concerned, the single most helpful, friendly and dedicated person I’ve met since being here… If only he’d have filled my account with ilicit 100 euro notes, I’d have adopted him right then and there.

Previously when I was with Marfin bank in Galatsi before they were consumed by the crisis, I also had a great rapport and respect for them too, friendly, helpful and the assistant I always tried to ensure served me was just f*cking edible as you like…

Which was nice…


Again, this shall be covered very soon in a dedicated post having been caught in this nightmare here for my 8 years in Greece. I can’t do it justice by even starting so I won’t but f*ck do I want to…

If you want to learn more, browse a few posts on the blog, you’ll soon see why I’m so p*ssed with it, and as afore mentioned, I’ll be unleashing the hounds on this subject REAL soon.

The Police.

Well, tread lightly , that’s what can be said. I’ve been stopped and harrassed probably nearly a dozen times now when just walking about, to think it’s not still a Police state is a wonder but one I shall only go into more detail with when I’m comfortably sat on a Plane looking down on this fair Country, safe in International waters.

Greek Police, feds, fuzz, malaka, riot, brutality

Got to love their dedication to whatever it is they do…

However, there were two particularly memorable and one not so memorable day which stood out and which were worthy of note.

Me and the Feds.

Me and the Feds, part 2.


Contrary to what I hear, I personally really rate the Greek transport system here. I’ve been around a bit and apart from when the damned things on strike because the driver’s not getting his ‘turning up to work‘ bonus or their ‘sitting in a seat‘ bonus, it’s pretty damned good.

Can’t see why more people here don’t use it, sure as hell beats trying to find a parking space in the center of Athens, or does it…?

Well, some days, like everywhere, a 40+ degree bus or train with someones boner in your pocket, and armpit for company and sweat dripping from person to person might make that parking spot seem a little more worth while, but on the whole and considering there is a crisis here and things have suffered, you can still get everywhere around Athens exceptionally well, and often in good spirits, unlike my experiences on British transport previously…

Summary :

Can you survive in Greece?

Who knows, truth is life everywhere at the minute is difficult and no matter where you go you have to adapt, get use to change and deal whith losing what you’re familiar with and coping with what might not be something you understand or grasp easily.

Greece isn’t an easy Country at the minute for reasons I don’t need to spell out on here, we all read and watch the news and so surviving as with those here anyway is a challenge.

You’ll only ever now if you try, but it’s fair to say that no matter what happens when you come to Greece, you’ll leave apart of yourself behind. probably you’re sanity, but you don’t need that after living here anyway…


Legitimate urban survival in Greece.

Everyone’s looking to survive the crisis here in Greece and it’s only fair I enlighten you all to a new alternative way of ‘beating’ those economy blues, literally.

Having spent somewhat of an already distressed experience here in Greece struggling due to one thing or another, it dawned on me that due to a prehistoric legal system and laws which are enforced to protect the rich, and yes, (I use ‘enforced’ in the loosest sense of the word), that there is a way for the average citizen to earn money, legitimately and in light of the current situation here, it’s in abundance too.

‘Beating off’ the Blues…

I found out recently through misfortune obviously. There’s seldom the opportunity for the word ‘fortune’ here at present and unless you believe in Unicorns and your parents work for the State, you’ve got as much chance of finding it as you do Alexander’s Tomb.

Meanwhile, it costs the average citizen 100 to have the Police actually act upon a crime against an individual. So, to my way of thinking we have several options now available to us to help us survive the crisis.

Option 1

Firstly, it goes without saying, mugging the poor.

Let’s face it, it’ll be open season here thanks to previous Governments.

Obviously a special thanks needs to go out to Varoufakis and the clusterf*ck which was Syriza’s opening gambit in Europe, and luckily for us now more than half the population probably qualify including myself, so game on.

Anyone technically who has less than €199.99 is now fair game and qualifies immediately and we don’t discriminate either.

Poor, elderly, immigrants, refugee’s, and the homeless. That’s right, you’re all eligible and unlike most bureaucratic experiences here, we’ll cater to all.

Lets say you only take the €100, there’s still f*ck all they can do about it anyway. It’s genius.

Obviously you’d take the lot just in case they found a cent or two on the way to the station, (unlikely I know, even if the streets were paved with gold, that would have been ripped up and hurled at the Police during the last riots), and then there’s the station experience in itself.

Trust me, you have to be committed to the cause if you want to endure that nightmare, and I’m guessing that for most people, a few hundred Euro’s isn’t going to do it either.

If they have less than a hundred Euro’s, consider it travelling expenses, it all goes in the kitty. It’s like spamming, the more you target, the better the profit.

Technically you could argue that you’re in fact helping lower the crime rate too.

The majority of these kind of crimes clearly go unnoticed for this reason anyway, plus a possible beating and a good mugging not getting reported has to be classed as almost ‘prevention’ by definition. Preventing the crime being reported surely has to count for something…

Suffering a crime and expecting the law to do it’s job… LOL, it just showed how naive my grasp of Greek ‘law was and I’ve been here long enough to have known better. You’d have thought!

Option 2

My favourite option would be this one as it somewhat equals out the current divide between the rich and the poor, and again would not only also help lower the crime rate, but also distribute much needed wealth around the nation as a result.

Robbing the Rich.

Now the core strategy in this case for it to succeed is being thorough. You can’t half-measure you’re way into Papandreou’s house and leave him with a p*ss pot to p*ss in, you have to take the p*ss pot and everything else with it. And I DO mean everything.

Make him sign over the deeds to the property, have a few friends help empty it and ensure that everything from clothes to cleaning products are all gone too.

Ensuring the sum of his value when you leave him out on the street doesn’t exceed €100, you’re in business. What’s he gonna do!?

To help maximise on this opportunity I’m thinking of setting up a legitimate ‘Financial Distribution’ network based in Athens. Hell I reckon you could even turn it into an NGO while you’re at it and get the Government to help fund you so you could then rob them afterwards!

It’s not just genius, it’s legal too!

First we gather up all the hard working people here who have unwillingly helped these cretins stay in power or position as they fleeced us all for years, and then we go house to house en masse.

Tazer, pepper spray and a few metres of rope should do it as far as expenses go for each crew, hire a lorry or two and pick up a couple of  Souvlaki’s on the way home and before you know it, the nations thriving, the Economy’s booming and I’m sat in Tsipras armchair reading Varoufakis’ house deeds as I explain on Papandreou’s mobile to Merkel how we transformed the Nation into the Country it deserves to be.

Then, the fact that people deserving of the money taken have it ensures that they no doubt go out and buy things they’ve been denied for so long, thus reinvigorating the Economy further at the same time.

They don’t call me the ‘Saviour of the Nation’ for nothing you know! Well, actually, they haven’t called it me at all, yet.

‘Enemy of the state’, probably, ‘Interfering foreigner’, I’m guessing, ‘Malaka’, well to be honest, I’d be very disappointed if they haven’t, but still, I have hope yet.

Not to be called Malaka, obviously… I just need to step out my house to assume it’s going out live somewhere, but to hope that in fact the Justice this Nation once had returns to it for it to ‘Protect and Serve’ the public it presently fails to do.

Other ‘great’ ideas to help rejuvenate the Country can be found here :

Insomnia – I can’t get no sheep.

It’s been a very long hard week. 8 years of misery and none the wiser. One more week of complication, doubt and endless worry for no reason too only to find out the illusion never ends.

The shock of what happened when I first came to Greece still cuts deep, it affected my health, my sanity and my trust in not just people but the state, the ‘system’ and the people who so readily abuse it.

The corruption and the ongoing fight to expose the criminal scum who for over a decade profited at the expense of those they pretended to help never seemed to end, their lies, threats and parasitic behaviour in trying to falsify a truth from their lies ate away at me and those who stood up to them and the fact that we achieved our goal, stood proud and did the right thing still weighs heavy.

This week is the ‘anniversary’ of me being here 8 years, when once full of hope and inspiration, I now sit worn, tired and sick of the low life parasites who feel it their right to abuse those who attempt to do the right thing.

My desire to have some inner peace at some point in my life prevented me from exacting my own revenge, something that on a day may run tired of restraint.

For years I fantasized about the many ways to dispose of such parasites and whilst being highly creative, fantasized about many of my own. These dreams still linger like happy thoughts, caressed into sight by the foolish thought that I’d be free for once of the misery I held back to allow them to still breathe.

Sometimes you spend so much time burying your demons so deep I can only assume I’m on the flipside of hell, looking up at them, trapped and destined to forever torment them, as they now torment me.

Raped by the damned and left to live out the night knowing that the day will never end.

You try to do the right thing and can’t always, you try to do what people hope you to be able to do but they don’t let you, and so you hope to do what you can when you’re denied the ability to do anything and it’s still never enough.

Sleep sometimes is the only place I am free of them. Death being the only other choice available, one I longed for these years.

A darkness so tainted would never leave, beckoning me forth into its midst, wishing me clear of mind and soul.

I resisted, time and time again only to question the purpose, family, friends and my dear cats keeping me strong, often blind to the hatred and pain tearing me apart inside.

Those who helped tried where many knew not as the spectacle played itself out, week after week, year after year.

The charade ran on, the circus grew large and the effort to keep focused ravaged me and those close.

Somewhere within burnt a fire forged from those who raised me to be better than those I fought, the crippling cost eased by the slow satisfaction of the truth being set free and yet no solace ever came, no peace helped shed the weight nor did the shackles fall away.

Then came the hurt, the loss to all I knew, what I had and what I hoped for and the pieces of my spirit ripped apart long to heal.

When that is taken from you, life eats away at you, slowly like the seconds on the clock, echoing out in the night as you lie awaiting the dawn.

If you could just rest, be at peace and relax, to in some way hide away the turmoil, the worries and the pain would be some consolation but it never comes.

To have them torture your mind, hour after hour is beyond cruel. Day after day, week after week and so forth pushes you to places feared.

There is no medication to give you back what is lost, there are no words, no feelings to replace or to reaffirm yourself to who you once were and only now when you see beyond where you started, the end flicker into view.

Our mind is capable of much greatness until we lose control of what we thought we knew.

Life evolves, people come and go and so we dance the dance again.

Faith once flowed freely as did a joy I know I had. Unrecognisable now for the scar I have in it’s place but healing slowly with each day, with each moment I try to enjoy a little more, knowing how quickly it may fade.

Enjoy the comfort of the bed while you can, as it either wraps it’s heavenly arms around you or suffocates you as you wrestle with your mind, flitting restlessly from thought to thought.

Inspiration gives us fight, a cause to the effect, as do the people we seek to unite with on the path we chose to walk.

Some days the path is lonely, not a footprint to be seen, other days may come a figure, one we hope share our route.

To each one we chose to hold dear, we leave a piece of ourselves.

Some treasure what we give, others break without due thought.

Where one sweet dream may end, a nightmare may begin…

We all tackle our pain in ways we may not understand, hoping that in whatever way it comes, it comes. Anything as long as it comes.


Two years ago the tunnel finally showed its light, a distant glow drawing near and such despite the rope hanging round my neck, slowly but surely I managed to step free.

Focus shifted and the pain slowly ebbed, just the thoughts still catching me unaware, less and less, but still aware.

Creativity if you have it is like a beacon in the gloom, lighting all before.

You can never control this, never predict when it comes and how long it will last, what triggers it or anything else to drive you from your shadows, but when it comes embrace it, long for it and feel in throughout for it may not come again.

I awoke a while back, but now I can see once more.


2008 – 2016 : Fighting to expose *ACTUP in Greece.

Nearly 20 years of state sponsored abuse, malpractice, theft, bullying and treating people like filth to exploit the HIV/Aids sector and illegally pretend to be Doctors and then persecuting myself and those who stood up to their fucking diabolical tyranny.

*You only still draw breath for I was too weak to do what I should have.

Writers block, British Rail and streaking around London with a sausage up your bottom!

Ever have a day where you just can’t write. I have, it’s the main reason for writing this.

Not sure where or why, what the subject might be because that’s what happens some days. One word follows another and before you know it you have a sort of alphabet train forming, one word from the next, stopping intermittently as it gains momentum, or derails.

Obviously on days when you get creative block you can associate that with a ‘British Rail’ sort of mindset. Thoughts all patiently queued up and going nowhere fast. Thankfully your mind doesn’t then charge you £2.50 for a cup of hot p*ss, but the principles very much the same.

A few times I was unfortunate enough to get something they referred to as ‘Tea’. Honestly, I can’t prove it but I’m not so sure they don’t just pipe it straight from the Urinals, and some days it wasn’t even that appetizing. They should maybe just sell hot rain. It’s not like there’ll be a shortage either.

Most of the time it’s the rain that stops the actual service anyway so the least they could do is give you a mug full of the stuff while you’re wondering why you even hoped to get anywhere nearer your destination on what is clearly a water soluble means of transport.

I’m not kidding either. In the UK we are gifted with a weather system so cunning it can bring a whole nation to it’s knees, several times a day and without effort too.

To assist us in our plight to moan daily, we also have the worlds most expensive and sh*ttest train service in existence to reinforce out commitment to the cause, ‘British Rail’.

For years I honestly thought it did run on one f*cking rail, but that actually implies that it runs.

After years of being a commuter and travelling by telepathy I did see that it did have what roughly looked like two tracks running in parallel, one would assume to get you to the other f*cking end at least…

I remember fondly one glorious summer day, standing in the ranks of other p*ssed off, wet, cold and miserable commuters, all hoping that Aliens would turn up having taken pity on us, and ask us why we’d been stood idly, bitching to ourselves about something that might or might not appear at any given time and take us possibly somewhere roughly near where we want to go.

“It’s called a train, we get on them to go from A – B, sometimes.” – we reply in Unison, all hopeful that the Aliens will at least share their technology with us and spirit us away.

Meanwhile, back on the platform we waited for the ‘train’… If you were lucky it might even be the train you want too.

More often than not, so many trains had been delayed or cancelled that by the time one did turn up people would just throw themselves on regardless of where it was going.

Sometimes it was just easier to turn up for work 3 hours late having walked 20 km from f*ck knows where because you couldn’t stand the excitement of hoping your train would actually turn up.

I know it’s harsh but a lot of people do use the trains to commit suicide, there were quite a few times when for a change, the train would be delayed due to someone hurling themselves in front of the train but it does get you like that some days.

Not that it’s a laughing matter either, it’s not. The trauma for the Driver and those unlucky enough to bear witness is quite tragic never mind the personal loss to those yet to be informed.

Plus you have to be committed. Some people are probably more likely to die of old age well before a train were to come along. Plus, it’d be quite an ordeal if you were all geared up to throw yourself under the next train and it was delayed due to someone beating you to it… Bloody Typical.

Since privatization though, costs have gotten so bad I’m surprised British Rail don’t charge you extra for it.

I must admit it has been a while since I was last in the UK, so I suspect that they might by now.

I remember once being on a tube train when it had to stop on my way back from a conference in London, on what must have been the hottest day that year, everyone trapped like canned sardines with at least two armpits in your face and someone else’s boner in your pocket.

It wasn’t pretty. After half an hour the boner would ease off and you’d get an armpit change which was nice but other than that I can just remember thinking about all the times I’d chuckled at the films where in parts of the world people all sit on the tops of the trains.

How I envied them this day.

Even to be sat on the roof in the rain would be nice, it the damned thing actually moved in any particular direction, then our prayers would surely have been answered.

They weren’t. Thankfully it was so hot no one needed to go to the bathroom as the days fluids were now already steaming from everyone’s nether regions and places where sweat shouldn’t sweat. If you were really unlucky, the person who’s armpit was being slowly fed to you would have already quenched your need for more secondhand sweat as it trickled down their matted heads and dripped of their nose onto your shirt.

Don’t thank me for the mental picture, you really had to be there to appreciate what true misery was that day. I suspect there were probably quite a few people who were violated without knowing it. I know I was.

Thankfully we don’t get unintentionally groped in the confines of our own minds, sure, we might be busy elsewhere in our deepest and wildest thoughts, but for all intents and purposes we often have to pretend we’re actually listening to someone prattle away about something you’d only ever care about at gun point.

Lately I do it a lot. It’s not all bad, and I lovingly use the term ‘bad’ in a deviantly good way, as some is very delicious, some is just outrageous, and then (if my mums reading this), some is of course angelic…Nice puppies… Θ)

So how can we get creative block? Just follow these simple steps…

Like we know!? Like we want it? Like we could stop it…

Haven’t suffered much myself thankfully, partly I feel because my mind is easily ruined and prone to wandering quite free, abstraction often leading it by the hand on a quest to find mischief, and partly because creativity sometimes features more than other times in your life.

Whatever the reason, you have to just roll with it when it comes.

Sometimes I look for signs which may have inspired me or which have lead me to a ‘higher plane of conscious thought’, or some other less pretentious cliché whereby you feel in the zone. But there is none.

It come’th and it go’eth as it f*cking feel’eth somedays…

It comes down to this really.

How dare your mind not do as it’s told?

Mine it appears, has sporadic outbreaks, (so I’m told). Not sure how they come about, not sure when, but if I’m lucky something will trickle down and tickle my fancy.

And give me an idea or two.

I knew one guy who used to insist on wearing nothing but ladies undercrackers and wore a trilby before he wrote anything of note. Of course he is a fictional character and something that we can always exploit when needed. The surreal, fiction, and or in some case, reality, always ever present and awaiting invitation from our minds.

There may well be a man somewhere wearing a trilby and a pair of knickers and in fact the more I think about it, there will be.

Definitely. But does he write, good question? Yes, of course he does as I mentioned that before. The devil is in the detail so I’m told.

The new trend is the Dead Celebrity thing, quite popular this last year or so from what social media would have us believe. Can’t see it catching on but what do I know.

While Keith Richards still defies science and nature it’s too tempting to think that we’ll all live forever, but until that day comes, there is hope for the rest of us mere mortals.

Seems like stopping smoking and giving up drugs will be the death of him. Probably why unlike the others who all relied on sleeping pills and medicinal drugs to ebb away when they least expected to, a full compliment of all the bad sh*t your dealer can lay hands on, pumped vigourously into his system 24 hours a day is the key to his longevity.

Prince was this year’s shock. A true musical genius, versatile, powerful, and looked great in Purple.

Not a word from the Queen either.

I always knew she was a hard bitch.

All that waving to strangers has turned her into an emotional void. She’s like a pale shrunken version of a fairytale Elvira, heartless through and through. Those Corgi’s just remind me of Mr.Burns from the Simpsons when he threatens to release the hounds.

Runs in the family too, all those beheadings and suspicious French motor ‘accidents’ turn you that way after a while I suppose.

I don’t suppose Fergie helped either, ever since she left the Black Eyed Peas Will I.AM and HAR.R.1E have never been the same.

That’s Royals for you though. Thankfully they must have gagged Prince Andrew because you rarely see that useless scrounger much these days. All those Theatre productions and no tights, and not that it matters being gay’s much more common these days but I feel ‘we’ the public would like to know one way or another as the debate never seems to end.

It will be a sad day for the treasury when the old dear pops it. Boy will those f*ckers suddenly earn their wages..

Commemorative EVERYTHING’s.

It’ll be like Jesus rising from the dead – Queen on a rope, inflatable Queens, a million different stamp collections and of course the freshly revitalised Royalist fanfare all scrambling desperately for their 15 minutes of fame.

It will literally be like the worlds gone mad.

Who can write the best Eulogy, who can narrate the best Royal anecdote, and who’s got the biggest royal joke… Even people who can’t stand them will be rushing out to top up their fake tears and gleefully recount how there’ll never be another just like… What’s her name? Ah yes, Elizabeth, I only know because I have a few coins from the UK still scattered about the house otherwise you just tend to know her as Queenie, or the Queen, or Ma’am I suppose.

Personally I have her down as Liz, only when we text each other or she emails me obviously, you know we keep it low key.

When we first exchanged details back in the day, I had her down as ‘the Queen’ but this only led to confusion if Elton John or Freddie Mercury were to call, so to make it easy I just changed them all.

Now if Liz, Kermit or Nancy ring I know who’s who. Sadly, Kermit is no longer with us but I did take the liberty to upgrade Kermit, back to Kermit. Slight oversight at the time when I renamed Freddie. (lol)…

But you know what, I bet if Prince were alive on the day, he’d say a few nice words for the old battleaxe. Probably bang out a tune or two as well…

To be fair to Prince Charles though, he must have the patience of a god damned Saint not to have pushed her off the royal balcony for so long. Watching his legacy crawl further away from his grasp as each new year passes. Tragic. But funny.

Still, it’s not like he went mad or anything obvious at least… Prince Philip setting the bar quite high in all fairness with the crazy stakes, bless him so you’d have to go some to top that lunatic.

He’s like our own Royal Donald Trump. We should parachute him into troubled parts of the world with an endless supply of buckshot… There’s no nationality he can’t sort out with a blunderbuss and a foghorn.

If Ethnic cleansing were a household brand, you can guarantee it’d have his face on the logo…

If Royals have taught us anything, it’s that if you can get away with it for long enough then you’re clearly doing something right for people not to hang you in the streets or part your head from your shoulders like the French used to do.

Back then the French had backbone.

Back in the UK they go and vote in Bin Laden as Mayor of London and everyone’s losing their sh*t. His first act was to outlaw Pork and introduce a new freshly minted Popadum as currency whilst declaring the M25 be converted to Europe’s largest Mosque and Big Ben face East.

Well, he might as well have from how people are carrying on. I saw a great piece covering everyone most hated internet troll, Katie Watkins and how she said she’d streak through London with a Sausage up her bottom if he the current Mayor was voted in.

I’m not saying that’s what swung the vote in his favour, but you can only look at the evidence before you.

I hope it’s one of those huge German sausages too. Hopefully shut her up for a while at the very least. Seems she’s not only intent on grabbing the headlines at any cost but she tries to put us off the humble sausage as well, the bitch is relentless.

In keeping with everyone’s stereotypical racial hatred, fuelled by the ‘now’ imminent Terrorist threat induced by this Politically correct nonsense, I suppose it only fair that the unfortunate sausage be one rigged to blow. A nice touch would be the Mayor flicking the switch…

Lighten up people. If anyone wants to stand up for London and take that job on board, good luck, the fact that he’s a Muslim or a Buddhist, or a Christian should make no difference whatsoever.

Across the pond, people are voting in droves for Donald Trump so put this sh*t into perspective for God’s sake!!!

The fact he got Katie Watkins to feel the need to stick a sausage up her bottom is one more reason to like the guy!


That’s kudos…